2500 words. If I had to pick a genre, I guess it's slice-of-life. Readers?
-----
There are days when I hate being a puppeteer. Tuesday was one of those days. At least, I think it was Tuesday because we were in Fayetteville. Time runs together on tour and events seem to repeat themselves. Jules and I usually just say "the other day" when we're talking about anything further than five minutes in the past.
So the other day, we'd gotten to the school late because the idiots who ran it couldn’t give directions out of a wet paper bag with a hole in it.
It was the same with every school; these educators, these grown-ups, these fools always left out a crucial step. Or said things like, “Turn after the place where the Dairy Queen used to be.” Like that’s going to help! We’re from out of town. Hello? We perform all over the U.S. and you expect us to know where the DQ used to be in your stinking little town?
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
Please send it. I like this character's intense attitude.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
I'd like to read it, also. Remind me to steer clear of you the next time we're on tour together! Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
I don't really have time to do a crit, but I really liked this opening. It is subtle and smooth and I want more!
If you can wait a few days for a crit, please send it over.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Heck, your submission for this week was so short anyway I wouldn't have minded if you'd sent this along with it so go right ahead...probably won't get quite the turnaround of that last one tho. Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
A crit from me probably wouldn't be too useful (second read and all that), but I'd like to see it, if you wouldn't mind!
Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I like this opening, and have time to read more.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Ah, this one still. I like it. But if you send it, I'll probably read it last of everything I've got right now.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Ah, I've missed you guys. Jeraliey, I don't mind second reads. I often find them helpful in different ways the blind reads. Anyway, there's no time crush on this because it takes forever for things to get out of Iceland anyway. I've been in a bit of a slump since getting here, I think because I was a bit shellshocked for the first month.
Anyway, all comments are helpful. Thanks!
Posted by xarius (Member # 2168) on :
I'd like to read it. I finally have some time, so go ahead and send it over.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Oh, if there is no rush, then I'd like to read it!
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
My dear Mrs. Kowal,
I have no time for this at all. But for you, I make exceptions. Please forgive me if the time period over which I complete my critique is protracted beyond the usual bounds of expectation.
Sincerely, Mr. Fisher
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
If you still need readers, please send it over. I finally have the time on the computer to critique.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thanks all! I've gotten some very good feedback on this and want to tweak it a little before sending it out again. However--my world is currently raining parents. My parents and my husband's parents have all come to Iceland to visit me at the same time. Will next week be alright to read this little story?
Everyone else, thank you for the critiques; I'll try to do individual thanks after I survive the rain of parents.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Sure, next week's ok for me to read. Or the week after, or however long it takes you to recover from your parents. (I had my parents visit me for TWO WEEKS at CHRISTMAS one year. It was challenging.) But if the space in your schedule coincides with a busy spot in mine, it might take me days to get back to you.
Posted by Keeley (Member # 2088) on :
Next week should be fine. It may take me a while to get back to you though. Hope that's okay.
Posted by xarius (Member # 2168) on :
Next week is fine with me as well.
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
My dear Mrs. Kowal,
Bless you! I know you made up that story just to give me some extra time.
Sincerely, Mr. Fisher
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
My dear Mr. Fisher,
How could you accuse me of dissembling? Nonetheless, I am gratefully relieved that my relations visit has allowed me to have my story considered by you. I will be sending it to you and the other kind volunteers on the morrow.
In the meantime, I have a question about a clarification that people have asked for. Several people asked about the word proscenium, which I use frequently but is apparently more obscure theater jargon than I had supposed.
If I add these lines, do people know what it is? --- Jules was standing next to me, and without speaking we headed for the proscenium canvas. The mass of cloth lay on the gym floor, attached to a long wooden batten like a sail waiting for wind. As one, we hoisted it on poles, letting the cloth unfurl and define the front of our stage. Behind me I heard one of the kids gasp as Sleeping Beauty’s palace suddenly appeared in their gym. --- I am loathe to give up the word entirely, but even more loathe to create an info-dump in the middle of the story merely to define it.
Would my gentle readers care to comment?
Sincerely yours, MaryRobinette (Mrs. R.A. Kowal)
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
MaryRobinette
I think your rewrite is informative and gives the reader just enough information to figure it out, without being an information dump. Nicely done.
Doesn't it depend upon your intent, and the audience you present to, for which version you use?
Mike
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Actually, this description really confused me. I thought you were saying that the proscenium was the canvas that was getting hoisted, but my dictionary tells me it's the space between the curtain and the stage - where you're putting the canvas, not the canvas itself.
It sounded ok, not an expository dump, but when I tried to think it through and see what you were saying, it confused me.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
If you need any more readers I'd be delighted to read. I had no problems with the canvas thing. I thing your description made it fairly obvious what it was.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
I've just sent it off to the latest round of victi--I mean, volunteers. Thanks.
Beth, If I changed the first line to read, "Jules was standing next to me, and without speaking we headed for the canvas that made up our proscenium arch." Would that help?
I hit dictionary.com and it has the same definition, which isn't really in line with conventional theater use. Proscenium usually refers to the front wall of the stage, and is sometimes called the proscenium arch. You know when you go to an old movie house, or opera and there's a really ornate arched wall around the front of the stage? That's the proscenium. It literally means "front scene". I can see where it's confusing if you are trying to fit a fixed stage definition to a touring stage. It's the same thing, its just that for a tour its made of canvas as opposed to lathe and plaster.
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
sure, that's clear. The other version was pretty clear, too, though- I definitely got that it was something you were hoisting to define the front of the scene. That just didn't match up with the definition I read.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
I didn't really notice the word when I read your story. I guess I was really into the scene and just got the meaning from the context of the scene.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I didn't have a problem with the word, so I can't help all that much. Nor is it a plot critical word, it is simply a somewhat technical/specialized term used in stage-craft.
My instinct is that you shouldn't bother to explain it at all. Just use the term the way an experienced puppeteer would use it. Since for purposes of this story, your narrator is just such an one, that would be the most accessible thing to do.
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
It looks like I am a little late to the party (one of the dangers of being new to a group) for this story, but if you are still sending it out, I'll take a look. The problem with directions for out-of-towners read delightfully true (in a painful sort of way). I like the narrative voice and would like to read some more.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Oooh goody! I just did a revision on this. I'd love a fresh eye.
Posted by Lorien (Member # 2037) on :
Hey Mary, I'm interested in having a look if you would like another. Send it over!
Posted by RunningBish (Member # 2210) on :
Hey, if you still need fresh eyes, send it over my way.
