The first half or so of this piece has been critiqued once. I've incorporated those critiques and finished the piece. I now need readers to help prepare this for submission. Word count 5500 words. I'd prefer some fresh eyes, but those who critiqued it before are more than welcome to it as well.
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Gramps had two obsessions: World War II and King Arthur. The War because he served in it. Arthur because he met him.
I had a few hours before shipping out to Afghanistan for eighteen months and wanted to see Gramps once more, so I went to the care center. That’s when he told me.
“Morning, Gramps,” I said, like I did every time. I didn’t expect an answer. He was walled in by Alzheimer’s and hadn’t recognized me in more than a year. But that day he looked right at me--not through me like he usually did--and smiled.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
I'll give it a look over. Please tell me what type of critique you are looking for. Posted by TruHero (Member # 1766) on :
I remember this one, and I liked it the first time. Since I have already read the first part, I'll wait and see how many bites you get. But I would be glad to take a look if you'd like. Plus, I wouldn't mind seeing how it turns out .rtf or .doc format if you do send it.
[This message has been edited by TruHero (edited October 06, 2004).]
Posted by Beth (Member # 2192) on :
Sounds like a fun story - I'll take a look at it. Fresh eyes!
Posted by Jeraliey (Member # 2147) on :
I'd like to see it.
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
A grandfather... a pair of subjects... I was worried for a bit...
Posted by Robyn_Hood (Member # 2083) on :
I'll take a look. Sounds pretty good.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
I remember this story...it was pretty good but I do have a policy not to read a story twice...it never works.
But *when* you sell this you'd better let me know so I can go read the finished version!
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Clarify, ChrisOwens. Worried about what? And, are you volunteering to read?
For the rest of you, It's on it's way.
Anyone else up for it?
Christine, I tend to have the same policy...most of the time. Anyway, I'll definitely be posting a thread when (if?) I ever find a market for it.
[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited October 06, 2004).]
Posted by Warbric (Member # 2178) on :
If you want to risk casting pearls before mine, here's another pair of eyes. I'm new, but I need to get my feet wet sooner or later. A modern servicemember deploying to SW Asia, WWII, AND King Arthur? Too much to resist.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Please send it my way. Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :
I'm interested in taking a look, if you still need readers.
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
When I saw the opening line with the phrase Grandpa, my story begins this way too. My attempt at humor...
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah, I thought DJ was being a bit obtuse on that one myself.
Anyway, even though I remember the story pretty well, I'm not against rereading it. I think I like the way you've picked up the pace in this version.
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
OK. OK. So I'm a bit dense sometimes. I'm a mother. It's allowed.
Sending it over Survivor. And thanks.
Posted by Braddock (Member # 2205) on :
This may be a little late and you may already have all the readers you want, but I can't resist. I looked it up because you gave me some great feedback and I wanted to see the kinds of things you wrote. I love your opening. Maybe I'm biased because I'm a soldier recently returned from SWA and I love the King Arthur legends. Count me in if it isn't too late...
Posted by opus_81a (Member # 2202) on :
Would also love to read it!
Posted by Minister (Member # 2213) on :
I hope I'm not too late to get in on this. I love the first paragraph. Would you send me the rest, please?
