Grandpa said that when it comes to fate, there are two groups of people. Most own their own fate. Only a few are marked from the very start. And for those, Murphy's Law wears iron boots. I never understood what Grandpa meant until he passed away.
We carried him to his final resting place, each step sinking our Sunday-best shoes deeper in the mud. Cold rain poured upon the mountaintop and drenched our dark suits. Little by little we approached the blue tent.
My cousins did their best, bless them, nevertheless their young muscles assigned me the lion’s share of the load. We set the casket in its place and stood near the edge of the temporary shelter. ------------------------------- This is the second opening, the first was pegged too melodramatic.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
I almost like this...The first paragraph almost grabbed me. The thing is that when you say there are two groups of people you have to follow with something that clearly says "group 1 and group 2." You did, but you didn't at the same time. You said, "Most own their own fate." I guess this is supposed to be group one, but it's just the reading of it isn't smooth and it took me a couple of reads to figure out who group 1 and gruop 2 were. I guess group 2 is "Only a few are marked from the very start." I would suggest saying something like, "Those who own their own fate and those who are marked from the very start." At that point, you can say whatever you want about the two groups. You can talk about how most are in group one and that Murphy's Law applies to group 2, but as long as you open with something that says there are so many kinds of anything, the next step is to list them.
Other than that this was a gripping start. I guess in the end it's just rephrasing I suggested.
Posted by NewsBys (Member # 1950) on :
This one is better than the original (posted in the other thread) in my opinion.
I agree with Christine's point about your promise of "two groups". Just make sure we can see immediately which two groups they are.
My favorite line is about them assigning the character a lion's share.
I would like to read more.
Posted by ChrisOwens (Member # 1955) on :
Thanks to the both of you. Hopefully I'll get a few more.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yes, this is better than the other. Most of that comes from better pacing. There are some things that seem a bit underexplained in this version, though.
Posted by Magic Beans (Member # 2183) on :
Very tight prose. It sets a mood, an atmosphere of gravitas. I feel somehwat unsure about the last sentence of the first paragraph. Was the lesson learned directly at the time of the grandfather's death? Was it the death itself that caused this? Or was it something learned after the grandfather died? A nearly negligible difference, but you seem so precise in your prose I thought it might matter to you. Generally, if a person said what your narrator is saying, I would assume the lesson was learned after the death.
Also, I tripped a little over the phrase "young muscles." I understand what you are saying, here, but it read oddly to me.
This is good--very precise and packed. You convey a lot with very few words and allow the reader's imagination to construct the scene.
