"Nothing Left But Dry Bones"

My sister Annie believed in angels. She started seeing them when she was six, a few months before she died. It was about the time that our neighbor started to invite us over to his house. He was an old widower who volunteered at a nursing home on weekends. It didn’t take the detectives long to find Annie’s remains in his fireplace.

I was only two years older than Annie and didn’t see the signs. It seems so obvious now.

and...

"The Damned of Heaven"

When Lapier died, all the angels of heaven wept. It was not out of sadness, but great joy.

They watched as his body was taken from the throne room -- blood still warm in his veins, growing stiff with hemlock -- and dragged through the streets behind a team of workhorses. His skull bounced off of cobblestone after cobblestone, stripped raw to the bone by the bumpy, jagged protrusions of the road.

The mob accused him of witchcraft, murder, and devilry, their voiced choked with ecstasy at the sight of their fallen monarch and the trail of his blood leading back to the castle.

Thanks!

(edit: sorry, old version)

[This message has been edited by Rahl22 (edited September 11, 2004).]
 

The second is a bit lacking in terms of establishing a POV and a sense of the story. There is something inconstant about the narrative, a sense that the narrator approved of Lapier or at least disapproved of the manner of his death. But it isn't clear enough to prevent the reader from feeling cheated by the narrator if this does turn out to be the case. Either way, the opening sets the narrator up as a bit of a liar.

If you read that spoiler, don't blame me.

[This message has been edited by Survivor (edited September 11, 2004).]
 

The second one had a better first line. After that, though, I kind of lost interest. I don't know about lack of POV, but lack of a character to clearly identify with hurt the opening.
 

If you feel the need to have a number of introductory paragraphs then you should consider whether you started the story in the right place. Either that, or you need to consider whether you are giving the reader enough credit to follow what's going on until you do have a more opportune moment to fill us in.

Just some suggestions .
 

I also think that a story can survive a weak opening just as well as it can survive any other weakness. But generally, it is better to write a strong opening.
 

About the second one:
Did you edit the second opening? Survivor and Christine viewed it as an intro with no real POV character.

I didn't read it that way, but maybe because you edited it already. When I read it, I saw it as being from the POV of angels who were watching the events on earth. No specific angel was named, so I came to the conclusion that your angels are watching the events as a collective whole. As if they have a collective mind. Do your angels possess a collective mind? Or was that just a byproduct of the POV being vague.
Angels with a collective mind would be interesting. I've never seen angels portrayed like that before.
If that is not the case, it might be better to use a specific POV character (specific angel) for clarity.

Like:
Gabriel and his angels cried with joy as they watched Lapier being pulled from his throne.

It didn't bother me that it was Omni-ish. Angels would see all angles of the action from an omni-ish POV, because they are omnipresent beings, being heavenly and all that.

One other thing. Would angels, as servants of a benevolent god, like the Christian God, be happy to see suffering, even if it is the suffering of a villainous person? It's still suffering. But I guess that is really a theological question. You can have your angels do whatever you want. It's your world.

Anyway, I wouldn't mind reading that one also, when you are ready.
 

Oh, and as for slightly-malicious angels -- that's the theme of that particular story.
 

Glad to see you writing, sir.

I found the first sentence of the first opening to be very intriguing with the line about Annie believing in angels. Then you wandered off in so many different directions I didn't know what to make of it anymore.

With the second opening, I didn't mind giving you two free paragrapghs since the first paragraph was only a single sentence. But by paragraph three I needed to get into somebody's POV. I like the image of Lapier's skull bouncing off of cobblestone after cobblestone - very evocative stuff.

If you want someone to read the entirety of either piece, you know where to find me. Send 'em on.