Here is an example:

quote:

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Michael screwed up his courage as he approached the burly ‘man’ at the bar. He’d done it all, he thought. Gone through an intermediary, a ‘matchmaker’ for God’s sake, and then notified the bookie and put up a purse, all nice and proper the ‘Bridgetown way’. The Gruff should be expecting him, and it wasn’t a full moon.

It should be all right. He shouldn’t have to run again. Dear God, he thought, please don’t put me on the run again. The last time, I barely made it out alive, and they weren’t even really mad at me; they were just having ‘fun’. Please!

“Yo, Gruff!” he said. “I’m here, like I said I’d be. Let’s get this over with. I got better things to do.”

As Michael settled himself down at the bar, Willy slowly turned to look at him.

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[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited September 02, 2004).]
 

I hope this doesn't sound like a cop-out, but I think it works the way you've written it. This is a small sample, but in it you've got deep penetration and a consistent voice. I think it's fine.
 

Thank you!

[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited September 03, 2004).]
 

quote:

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...the burly ‘man’ at the bar. He’d... Gone through an intermediary, a ‘matchmaker’... the ‘Bridgetown way’.

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Mike, do these terms solely represent Michael's thoughts, or do most, if not all, of the Bridgetown residents think of themselves as "men"? If not, then what do they call themselves? Do most residents refer to intermediaries as "matchmakers"? Do the residents of Bridgetown all know what "the Bridgetown way" is? Is this a phrase that is commonly used by all?

If these are terms that are commonly thought of and used by most of the residents of Bridgetown, I would say that the use of the single quotes is inappropriate. Michael would no more think of them as unusal than would any Bridgetown resident, whereas the use of the single quotes implies that these are terms solely used by Michael in his head.

I think it would be more clever to have those as reflective of the Bridgetown culture in general. If so, then Michael wouldn't think of them as unusual, and it wouldn't be appropriate to single them out this way.

So if this is solely the way Michael thinks of things, then the way you have handled it is perfect!

Susan

 

Michael is a human journalist who heard about Bridgetown and found his way there. Now he is trapped and is trying to convince the editor of the local newspaper (an ogre, of course) to hire him. It is the way, he believes, to survive and eventually find his way back.

This is Michael's first writing assignment, and if he completes it well, he will be hired and given some small measure of protection from the other Bridgetowners who (quite reasonably) don't want to run afoul of the Editor. Even in Bridgetown, the pen is mightier than the sword.

Does that make sense?

[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited September 03, 2004).]
 

Since all of this is Michael's take on it, from a foreigner's perspective, as it were, then yes, this is appropriate and the format works well.

I really like this concept (Bridgetown) the whacky inhabitants and your ideas. I hope you'll be writing more stories set here!

And I do like the segment from this version better than the original, though in general I liked that too. It was just a first draft, and this version is already feeling more polished.

Keep up the good work!

Susan

 

thanks!
 

This is just a start. I will eventually add theme music, and a means to get inside. If you really want to...

I am not an artist, I just manipulated a photo I found of a tavern in the GB, using Photoshop Elements. The web page and flash effects were created in Swishmax.

Comments are appreciated. Does the image look suitable given the story and setting of Bridgetown?

Mike
 

Robyn_Hood is very bored,
and wishes she were not.
 

She visited the Bridgetown inn,
and we all took a shot.

She thought she should feel insulted,
INsulted,
inSULted!

She thought she should feel insulted,
but verily was not.