Wow.
*blinks some more*
I got mental freeze just from the first sentence alone. Far too much is going on, and far too little is explained clearly.
Also, this should probably be split into more paragraphs. And finally, you start almost EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE the same exact way! (With the word "the.")
Using "the" too many times distracts from the whole story of some man that is too callous to own puppies, so he decides to drown them.
It also feels a little rushed.
-BHJr-
Overall, I think you're doing a fair job of describing the scene, but as has been said before it's all a bit rushed and overfull of adjectives and needs to be broken up. Try to use more description in fewer words. That sounds confusing, doesn't it. What I mean is, we all want you to give us more detail about what is happening, but we want it stated in fewer words than you might be inclined to give it in.
However, I'm certainly drawn in, anxious to find out what comes next.
I think the use of the puppies' POV is an interesting one and you do a good job of sticking to that. But I hope the whole story isn't going to rely on that POV. I would tire of it quickly.
I'm going to pick specifically at the last line. We heard the sound of water in the previous line, we're close to water, so you don't need to tell us that they knew it too. We can assume that. We also don't need to be told the obvious--that they are going to tossed into the river. Simply say:
"Several cried of thirst."
To answer a few questions that were brought up, or address a few points:
If one planned to kill a litter right from the start, then yes, it would make the most sense to do so immediately. Why wait? In the next paragraph, though, the reader learns that an attempt was made to sell or give pups away and these are the "left overs".
As for POV, it begins with the pups, shifts for one paragraph to the man then back to the pups. Finally it becomes and remains that of the one pup that survives, for this is her story.
The market for this tale is probably Young Adult. I'm honestly not sure what genre to even call it! It is speculative fiction, to be sure, but certainly not sci-fi nor the classic idea of fantasy either. I've heard the phrase "interpretive lives of animals" before but my impression is that would be of mundane creatures given voice and living very natural lives. The characters in this story lead very un-natural lives, for animals.
Again, my thanks to all for the feedback. I shall see if I can put to it to good use and post my rewrite later!
Susan
How then could I entice you to continue reading? That is the very theme which this tale tackles, and the heros are the dogs! If I could get you to keep reading you would probably like the story immensely. *g*
Susan
I would also recommend finding other words to use other than "pups." Once or twice is okay in the same paragraph... any more than that is redundant.
Lastly, what kind of dogs are these? Labs? Rottweilers? Inquiring minds and all that...
They are Border Collies. Their parents are described as "good working stock". These are the "extras" so the rancher has already kept the one or ones he wanted. Unfortunately, here in ranch country, this sort of thing really does happen. Often unwanted puppies are "disposed of" in even more cruel fashion.
That, of course, is the source of my inspiration for this. That, and having had the privilege of owning some rather exceptional rescue animals.
And no, I am NOT an animal rights activist (HATE those people with a passion). But I do advocate animal welfare. =)
Susan
You could write it as: One screamed, then fell silent.
Just skip the blood part. We know what's happening.
Or if you must...
One pup screamed, then fell silent and a small patch of blood began to seep through the sack.
That's slight more tolerable.
However, if you truly want the "King-effect," then by all means describe the act of smashing a helpless, just-weaned puppy's head with a rock. I just think that starting off a story with that much graphic detail is risky...
On the other hand, I'm certainly intrigued. Beware of your POV, tho'... writing from a dog's perspective could be severely limiting. I would choose an omniscient POV, and maybe for certain scenes, switch to the dog's POV, when necessary.
As far as taking this story from the dog's POV and the difficulties that might entail, consider (if you haven't already) taking a look at "The Plague Dogs" by Richard Adams.
If you insist sticking with it as-is, consider focusing the POV more on the surviving pup whose story this is.
I also gather that with my rather vivid descriptions I might at some point want to consider trying my hand at horror!! *g*
I do want to rewrite just a bit of the second paragraph, though, before posting it.
Thanks, all, and I shall endeavour to improve before posting again!
Susan