Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Mushrooms are Alive!

This is topic The Mushrooms are Alive! in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

I drastically changed my short story. It's so different that I don't feel I have the right to send it to the people who posted in my other thread. As such, I've made this thread.

Any help is welcome, but I'd especially like if you offered to look at the entire story, which is around 1.5k words.

quote:

Walking home from a day's hunt in the Endless Forest, Sam couldn't stop humming the tune that the jester had been singing. It was a strange song—something about how the only way to solve a dispute was to be more caring and more loving. Not that Sam had anything against empathy, but empathy didn't get the fields plowed, didn't herd the cattle, or do much of anything at all.
When Sam reached his small house, he was shocked almost out of his wits. Someone had broken down the door. Pulling out a long knife, he hurried in. The first thing he saw was a cluster of gigantic mushrooms. What the…?
One of them turned and looked at Sam with beady green eyes. In fact, it had arms, legs, and a head—it was alive! And it spoke: "Get out, fat human."

[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited July 07, 2004).]

Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :

Feel free to post it to me. I'm free this weekend for a change.

Posted by Monolith (Member # 2034) on :

This is much better than the 1st. Except on tiny little thing: I think that you should've shown the house ( or at least said he was approaching it or whatnot ).

I think it would've worked better like this:

"As he approached his house, he noticed something wrong with his house. To his astonishment, somebody had broken down the door to his house.
He rushed to see what was wrong and along the way he grabbed a large, rotting tree branch to deal with the intruders.
After crossing the threshold to his house, he say a cluster of gigantic mushrooms."

Or something like that you know.

Just my thought. ( Oh yeah, you can ust that if you want. )

-BHJr-

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Yeah, I noticed that too.

Posted by Lorien (Member # 2037) on :

I've got time if you want to send it over.

Posted by goatboy (Member # 2062) on :

quote:
He gasped. Someone had broken down the door to his house. Grabbing a large, rotting tree branch lying on the ground, he hurried in. The first thing he saw was a cluster of gigantic mushrooms. What the……?

First paragraph is pretty good. Third is okay, too. The above transitions rather quickly, but 1.5k is awful short. You can only put so much in that small of a space. You might try messing with the first two sentences. You could add “As he entered his yard,” to the first one. The second one could become “Someone had broken down his door.” I think the word and line count would be about the same.

I don’t know about the rotting tree branch. Might change it to a more sturdy weapon. Maybe a block of firewood or something. The mushrooms sound cool.

I’m waiting on one from MaryRobinette, but this weekend looks like time is going to open up. You can send it if you want, and I’ll take a look.

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Updated the sample + sent out

Thanks!

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

Sent to Yanos, Monolith, Lorien, and goatboy. If any of you didn't recieve, please lmk.

Posted by goatboy (Member # 2062) on :

Got it Phanto. Already started on it.