I'll stop now.
*************************
Zoie knew she looked shriveled and old. She did not need the exuberant stares of the descendents attending her birthday party to tell her that she had begun to look every one of her 283 years. She could feel those years all by herself.
She had lost count of how many greats preceded this generation’s grandchildren. Not that it mattered, none of them saw her as anything more than a piggy bank that was just about to pay off. Her descendents had been waiting for her to die for over a hundred years. Many of them had died themselves in the wait, disappointed and penniless.
“You’re looking well, Grams,” one of them said with a twinkle in his piggy eyes.
“I’m dying.” She could not remember his name, but she bet he would slide it in. After all, he had about 10,000 distant cousins to beat out in her will.
Sure enough, “Come now, Grams, this is Thomas you’re talking to. Tell me what’s troubling you.”
“Selfish descendents who think I owe them money,” Zoie snapped.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 22, 2004).]
Curious as to why she lives longer than the rest.
etc . . . :-)
I can't say I was really hooked, although I'm not really sure why since I can't point to anything obvious. I'd give it a Line by the standard we were using over in the other section. Maybe the 283 year thing just wasn't enough of a draw for me to get over my general uninterest in people swarming about waiting for old people to die. <shrug>
If you want to send what you've got, I'd even be willing to read more than one draft.
Mary
In this case, the obvious bet is Thomas. Have him not mention his name. Better yet, have him give her a straightforward solution to her problem of selfish descendents.
For mentioning what got her that way, go ahead and one-line whether her case is unique or merely unusual, along with a name for the life extension.
But I'm going to point out that this story is starting with an unusually bored, jaded, cynical, and self-pitying character. The fact that none of her thousands of descendents has offed her yet tells me that they are all either quite decent sorts or too humble to think they could get away with it. If I had that many decent or at least humble descendents (who hadn't offed me), I would be quite grateful.
Anyway, starting with a bored, jaded character is a pretty big handicap. I'll assume that you want to keep her as she is. But that means that you need to give us a little extra jazz in your opening.
#############
It had been 282 years since Zoie had last seen her childhood home. The decrepit old mansion buried deep in the heart of the verdant Ozark Mountains required four-wheel drive ground vehicles to approach. No actual road or airway had ventured near the house in almost two centuries. It had been condemned until a year ago, when Zoie commissioned its restoration just in time for her 300th birthday.
She had been born in that house. It was only fitting that she die there.
“They say this place is haunted,” said the driver as they first observed the lights of the extravagant party.
“Who says that?” Zoie asked.
“The construction boys,” he said. “They wouldn’t stay past dark.”
“Is that why it took them so long?” Zoie asked.
The driver had no answer, which suited Zoie fine. She had mixed feelings about her decision to return to her childhood home, to the place where her parents had experimented on her and turned her into the Forever Girl, as the media had coined it.
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 22, 2004).]
[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 23, 2004).]
Two things that caught me.
quote:
“They say this place is haunted,” said her driver as they first observed the lights of the extravagant party.“Who says that?” Zoie asked.
“The construction boys,” he said. “They wouldn’t stay past dark.”
Thing two. If they've been doing any significant renovation, then there's an actual road there now or no equipment could get in.
One more random note. What about "It had been 282 years..." so that Zoie left home when she was 18?
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited June 23, 2004).]
Again, I understand why you want to grab attention, but why does it have to be "action"
Isn't the point of writing something to be unique in some way? Well if everyone starts with action, that makes me want to start it differently.
Both are pretty much En Medias Res. The big difference, as someone already put it, is history versus character.
I love character. History can come out in peices any time. Character is constant. And that's why I like the first one.
But I'm odd, so you don't have to listen to m e :-)
Strange, Spencer, because there was no actual action in either beginning. The biggest difference is that in the first one she's at the party already and in the second she's driving up to the party, reminiscing about things. If anything, I'd say the second version had *less* action, but maybe some more suspense?
A wider amount of people respond to stuff like Davincie Code which starts of with action...moving around..getting stuff together....a bit of history explaining he's in the louvre and what he's doing.
Your second one is similar...the car is moving.....she talking to someone and mentioning the house is haunted. It starts off on the go.
The first one is more for someone like me. I'm in someone's head, and the action is all mental. I'm getting a sense of the woman and not just what her ancestors are doing but how she thinks about them, her bias.
Are they as fickle as she makes them out to be? Or are some actually concerned and she's misenterpreting them. I mean she's 283, who wouldn't say "This is me gran, david" or whatever.
To me all the haunted stuff is a great background to this Character.....
The other makes the character just someone in this great world that promises intrigue.
That's why I like number one.
of course i've already said that, just over explaining I'll stop now.
PS...not big on the acronyms yet...what's WOTF stand for?
[This message has been edited by Speaker (edited June 23, 2004).]
They have a contest every quarter.....let me just show you the web site. it tell you all you need to know....
http://www.illustratorsoffuture.com/index2.htm
So, I liked the first one better. It seemed darker and more interesting. So she seemed jaded and cynical. Why not after 300 years? I felt the second one made her seem more self pittying than the first. Maybe do a mix of the two? What are these "mixed feelings" she's having? Maybe she could have them internally but still respond to people externally in a cynical way giving her more depth. (?)
What if you put one of the great+ grandchildren in the car with her? Like he was the one assigned to pick her up from wherever she came from, or he had been the one in charge of the renovation?
I was wondering...I've got a draft that I think is ok, about 4700 words. I know it needs smoothing; I'll be doing that over the next few days, but if anyone has time before the end of the wekend, would you be willing to give me some advice? (The sooner the better, since I intend to mail this Tuesday.) I don't expect an outpouring of offers for help on this one, since I've got a tight tiem frame, but if even one or two people can make some suggestions, it would help.
speaker(at)geekgasm.net
[This message has been edited by Speaker (edited June 23, 2004).]
Mary
)
After reading it, I'll say that the first opening doesn't capture her character as it appears in the rest of the story.
Feel free to send me further drafts.
After receving feedback from two wonderfully helpful people, I am now up to version 5.0. I like it a lot better. Aside from being almost 1,000 words shorter, I think it gets to the punchline faster and wraps up in a more satisfactory way. I took Mary's advice and then some by cutting the entire party. The story now takes place a week in advance of the party and barely mentions the money-hungry great-grandchildren.
hope i was actually helpful and not just...i dunno..dumb :-)
-me