Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "Return of the lost"

This is topic "Return of the lost" in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000314

Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :

Those are the first thirteen lines of a novel. I know that the POV is omniscient, but it's deliberate. Any feedback much appreciated.

In the first year of the War, a woman came to the village.
It was late and she was shrouded in a headgear that hid everything but her eyes, and no children played in the streets when she passed. She stopped at a house on the outskirts of the village and went in to talk to the miller. Once inside, she removed the cloth that had covered her face, and her long black hair fell in her back. She looked to be about twenty, with stunning blue eyes that would have made many a man attempt impossible tasks in order to win her hand, but there was a harshness in the irises that belied the youthful mien.
‘They’re after me,’ she said, laying the cloth on the wooden table. Blood had dried on her sleeves. She swayed as she spoke, gripping the back of the chair for support.
The miller said nothing for a while. He looked unusually preoccupied. Then he managed, ‘You knew what the stakes were, Aliantha. Why did you come here of all places? We’re watched.’
‘I had nowhere else to go,’ Aliantha said, simply, sitting in the chair. She was shaking.

[This message has been edited by Silver6 (edited June 15, 2004).]

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

First, a grammar nit: "It was late and she was shrouded in a headgear that hid everything but her eyes, and no children played in the streets when she passed" -- This is a comma splice.

Other than that, my biggest issue was the lack of tension. A bloodied woman walks into a bar and the blood is fresh enough on her that it begins dripping and she just calmly says, "They're after me." I'm torn between this attitude being an incredible hook and just incredibly unbelievable, but to be honest, I'm leaning towards unbelievable. Now, if the owman ran in in a panic and the barman acted nonchalant, then it would be the former.

Good opening, though. If found in a published format, I would certainly not have stopped reading. I want to know what's after her, and I want to know if there is something up with the attittudes that I'm missing.

Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :

Oops. Sorry. I copied the wrong version. There is no blood dripping from her sleeve; it's dry (I've edited it now). The lack of tension is supposed to be normal, but the explanation for it comes only later (in about three or four paragraphs). Should I do something about that, or will the reader be carried along a little more?
And stupid question, but what is a comma splice?...

[This message has been edited by Silver6 (edited June 15, 2004).]

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

Not stupid.

"It was late and she was shrouded in a headgear that hid everything but her eyes, and no children played in the streets when she passed" Actually, let me just put this another way. This sentence is about three different things. It was late. She was shrouded in headgear that hid everything but her eyes. No children played in the streets. These concepts do not all belong in the same sentence without some serious rethinking of the structure. I might have misnamed this problem, I don't know the internet is acting funny on me and I'm having trouble looking up the exact definition of "comma splice" In any case, make sure each sentence is all about one thing. Adding more clauses with a comma is what I think is referred to as a comma splice.

Oh yeah, and this works better. The fact that the blood is not fresh makes a world of difference.

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 15, 2004).]

Posted by Silver6 (Member # 1415) on :

I'm learning new ways of calling mistakes every day :-)
Thanks for the comments.