Hatrack River Writers Workshop: "Revealed"

This is topic "Revealed" - Total rewrite in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Sci-fi, 2740 words. This is a ground up rewrite which I've been looking at too long. I need a fresh eye or two on the whole before I get heavily into fine-tuning. I'd also like comments about the initial 1st 13 lines here.

Thanks,
Mary

----
REVEALED

Tom bounced with the music blaring on the studio’s CD player, trying to use its rhythm to stay awake. Pulling all-nighters gave him a certain masochistic joy, but there had been too many this semester and he had teetered over the edge of exhaustion at about four a.m.

Ari looked up from the mat she was cutting. “So the secret to getting you to dance is sleep deprivation?” One strand of her hair had escaped its bun and hung like dark silk across her face.

Tom wanted to tuck it back for her. “Dancing! Don’t you wish.” He grinned and repositioned his ruler, holding it in place with his left hand. After double-checked that the ruler rested cleanly against his marks, he pressed hard on his matknife, pulling down the length of the cut. His finger turned white as he bore down on the shaft of the knife. “When I’m a wealthy artist -”

“Ha!”

He glanced across the table at her and continued, “When I’m a wealthy artist, someone else will cut all of my mats.”

“Someone else is cutting your mats for you.”

“But not all of them.”

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

I'll look at the whole thing.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Thanks. It's on its way.

Mary

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

Send it over.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Lovely. I just sent two emails to you. Only one of which has an actual attachment. Mental note:remember to attach before hitting send.

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

LOL...no problem! I've done worse before...back when I was sending off resumes and looking for a job I forgot to attach my resume twice...now that was embarassing!

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

I would be happy to read the whole thing for you.

About the first thirteen lines--I'm reading a lot of tension into the mat cutter. I've used one of those wicked little instruments many times before and that may be clouding my reaction, but the fact that it is mentioned either as an instrument or an act no less that six times in the first 13 gets my heart racing and wondering what role it will play in the rest of the story. Geez, I hope that's your intention.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

I might have overplayed it but, yes, the matcutter is about to go very wrong. Let me know if I've put too much emphasis on it.

The story is on its way.

Posted by TheoPhileo (Member # 1914) on :

That was the most goofy mis-read I've ever had. I pictured him driving, holding his (dislocated?) shoulder in place, while cutting (himself?) with a knife. I guess that's what happens when I'm sleep deprived.

(And no. It was all me; had nothing to do with how you wrote it.)

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Ha! That's brillant! What's even stranger is that a friend of mine did almost exactly that after falling off the roof.

Posted by Eric Sherman (Member # 2007) on :

I'll take a look at this, if you please.

esherman@wideopenwest.com

Posted by cvgurau (Member # 1345) on :

I'm intrigued. Send it over.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

I sent the story over to you two.

I'll just say, that it was not easy from Italy. For instance: If I just touch type without looking, then <i end up with strange things. <i took me fifteen minutes to find the @ symbol. The £ sign is in itàs spot. Extra keys and punctuation in strange places. Whee. (Poor me, in Venice. Iàm not expecting sympathy.)

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Typing on another country's keyboard can be a real challenge.

I've sent email from Germany, and from Belgium, and it was an adventure, to be sure.

I don't remember what was different on the Belgian keyboard, but the German one has "z" where the "y" goes on the English keyboard, and other nonalphabetical keys are in different places as well.

Even though you're in Venice, MaryRobinette, you have my sympathy. (Though I only got to spend part of a day there. It would be so cool to be able to stay longer than that.)

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

And now I'm in Croatia, where the z is in the y spot and a č is where the ' should be. Getting an @ requires a modification key that I've never seen before.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

One more try!

---

Tom bounced with the music that blared on the art studio’s CD player, trying to use its rhythm to stay awake. Pulling all-nighters gave him a certain masochistic joy, but he had reached the point of diminishing returns at about four a.m. His attention had narrowed until it was like a vanishing point with all the perspective lines receding away from intelligent thought.

Ari looked up from the mat she was cutting. “So the secret to getting you to dance is sleep deprivation?” One strand of her hair had escaped its bun and hung like dark silk across her face.

Tom wanted to tuck it back for her. “Dancing! Don’t you wish.” He grinned and repositioned his ruler, holding it in place with his left hand.

He is placing a ruler and laughing with Ari. The florescent lights hum at the edge of his hearing, insistent and irritating. It is late. She leans across the table to kiss him and her eyes seem to glow with an inner fire.

“Whoa.” Tom shook his head.

Ari frowned. “You okay?”

“Just déjà vu.”

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited June 16, 2004).]

Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :

Hey! Yeah! I think I could go for this, with the deja vu segments italicized I assume?

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

I'm waffling on the italics. If I can get away with just setting them off with double-spaces then I think I'd prefer that, though I don't have a clear reason.

Does the tense change work?

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

The tense change works for me in this case, but as much as I hate italics, I'm going to have to agree that it would be better in italics. Kind of goes to the dreaminess of the situation, IMO.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

After all the attention that my struggle with the verb "lying" got, here's the whole chunk of the memory. I've included the text that frames it as well.
---
Looking toward the ceiling, Ari raised her arms as if she were Michelangelo’s Notre Dame Pieta. “See the unjustness?” Her raised arms stretched her T-shirt across her body pressing it against her small, high breasts. He tried to capture the gesture with his eyes so he could hold onto the moment longer.

Tom pulled his knife across the matboard.

#

He is in his dorm room. Ari is lying on his bed with the sheets draped over her. The early morning light caresses her like a study in chiaroscuro.

“Let me draw you.”

Ari’s brow creases as she shakes her head. “No.”

“Why not?” Tom gets out of bed and hunts for his sketchpad. When he finds it Ari is dressed and sitting demurely on the edge of his bed.

She takes his hand.

Tom choked on a cry and jerked away from the art on the table, dropping the knife. The mat knife had bitten deeply into his thumb where it lay across the ruler.

[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited June 18, 2004).]