quote:
If I pretended that, deep down, I didn’t know why I took the job that day, or what made me say, "Yes Brent, I'll do it," I would be a liar. I knew it was dangerous, I knew that people had gotten badly burned before ... but somehow that didn't bother me. Like I was invincible I passed the fire-suit to the next pair of arms and said, "You light, I'll run," the stranger nodded and thanked me with a relieved half-smile and softly whispered,"Good luck,"
I waved it off, "OK, whatever," I said. I'd been part of Arial-Lighting Team (“A Team”) for the Patriot Skies Fireworks display for years, and I'd always escaped un-scorched, Ground Team ("G Team") couldn't be any more dangerous, right?
I remember grabbing a light jacket and a pair of squashed ear-plugs as the only special equipment I required. After all, as a runner I only had to kick off the dispatched fireworks and replace them with an unlit set. Run in, replace, run out. The others would light them, that's why they had the large-puffy suits.
I wish I had paid more attention to the man I so easily passed the suit and torch to that year ...
That "softly whispered" bit seems odd too. Why would anyone bother with whispering during a fire-works display? Let alone whispering softly?
Still, it's hard to find much wrong with this.
quote:
Like I was invincible I passed the fire-suit to the next pair of arms and said, "You light, I'll run," the stranger nodded and thanked me with a relieved half-smile and softly whispered,
"Good luck,"
Some punctuation changes would help me with this. 'Like I was invincible, I passed the fire-suit to the next pair of arms and said, "You light, I'll run." The stranger...'
I think you mean Aerial.
I'm not sure, but I think your transition to present is going to bother me. It's hard to tell with just the one line, but it feels like it's about to be a little too pat.
Otherwise, very compelling.
Mary
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 14, 2004).]