Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Shield Mage

This is topic Shield Mage in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by RillSoji (Member # 1920) on :

I've been given several suggestions to start my novel earlier in the story so here goes the first 13.

I just need to know your first general impressions and whether or not you're interested in reading further. Don't worry about grammar and such unless you think it's really really bad. Just the first draft here. THANKS!!

quote:
Nathan smiled. It was going to be a perfect day for traveling. The sky was just starting to turn pink with the predawn light and there was not a cloud in sight. Closing his eyes, he sucked in the crisp, springtime air. There were no flowers to perfume the air yet, but they’d be blooming soon enough. Nathan welcomed the coming of spring after the long, cold winter. He opened his eyes, gazing at the road ahead. In a few more days, he’d be home. There, he would be able to enjoy the fullness of spring for the first time in years. The Baron had promised him that much and it lightened his heart to hear it.
Nathan had been up for an hour already. He enjoyed watching as the world awakened around him. The sleeping village slowly came to life, starting with the baker then moving onward to the town’s only Inn. Smoke rose from chimneys in thin wisps that faded quickly in the slight morning breeze. People began to stir and move about, dark shadows against dark buildings. Then, just as the sun burst into the sky and lit the Whisper Mountains on fire, the town came alive with movement. Nathan loved it. All of the sudden, everyone was up and moving. Bustling to and fro, making ready for the trade caravan to move out and another to move in later that day. Hungry animals were quickly fed and watered then hooked up to the laden wagons. Teamsters shouted to one another and the air started to be tainted with the scent of dust.

Gah...sorry for all the editing...for some reason it's not posting my last couple lines. lol...*restarts computer*

[This message has been edited by RillSoji (edited April 25, 2004).]

Posted by RillSoji (Member # 1920) on :

There we go! The whole chapter isn't finished yet but if you want to read it as soon as it's done just post here and I'll get it to you. (Should only take a few days

)

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

When it's ready, post, and I'll let you know then whether I can read it.

One thing I can say already, though. Nathan is almost entirely absent from the second paragraph. Only

quote:
He enjoyed watching as the world awakened around him.

and

quote:
Nathan loved it.

What are his reactions to all this? Okay, obviously he "loved it." But could he really see everything that happened here? It sounds pretty busy for a one-street village, but in a bigger village things would be happening where he couldn't see them. What about the passage of time? Is Nathan just standing in the road for an hour while all this goes on? It sounds like this paragraph was written as pure description, with Nathan tossed in at the last moment to keep the POV consistent. I'm glad you're keeping that in mind--but if he's there, have him be there.

Posted by kagome (Member # 2001) on :

First of all I want to tell you that I loved your description, it was very poetic and detailed in the right ways. However, I must agree with rickfisher. That paragraph is sole and pure description, Nathan's presence there is rushed. I'd suggest to rewrite it making it sound as if Nathan was descrybing it

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

Ditto.

In addition, "It was a perfect day for travelling..." is setting up the sense that the exact opposite is going to happen very soon. Is this something that you fulfill later? Does all heck break loose shortly?

Yours,
Mary Robinette

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

I've been concentrating on short stories recently and so my first thought was, "Hurry up, man! Get into it." Such description is acceptable in novel form, though, and it is handled really well. I liked the visuals. Watch some cliche terms (e.g. "all of a sudden") and try to keep the story moving -- even when you're describing things.

Over all, very good. Keep it going!

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I'm in a bit of a non-commital mood myself.

One general rule that I like to follow is that the description should flow from most to least important. And you should avoid creating impressions that directly contradict the "facts" you have yet to introduce.

Look at your entire first paragraph, and ask yourself if anything in that paragraph suggests that Nathan might be near or in a town. Then count off a number of things that suggest that, on the contrary, he is on a quiet road through open pasture or fields.

Remember, this rule is important at every scale in the text, both from sentance to sentance and from chapter to chapter. Even when you are planning to suprise the reader, it should be something where the reader can look back and find all the necessary clues in the text leading up to the suprise (like a murder mystery, where the solution makes sense out of all the clues that came before).

Also, everyone else is right about Nathan's inaction during this entire description. He doesn't do or decide anything at all. Okay, he moves his eyes and seems to be breathing, so we figure he isn't dead.

Anyway, I think that I am interested in finally entering the world of Nathan and the Baron. I'll let you know when I'm ready.

Posted by RillSoji (Member # 1920) on :

quote:
Is this something that you fulfill later? Does all heck break loose shortly?

Yes, in a manner of speaking.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'll tweak some things a bit and see how it works out.