Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Denizens of the Night

This is topic Denizens of the Night in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by jpwriter (Member # 1987) on :

Took a break from writing my Sci-Fi and wrote a little flash. This is the first part of 750 words. If anyone wishes to read the rest and comment, let me know.

quote:
Mama looked around the corner of the kitchen door and said to me. "Jerry, run out to the cellar and get me a jar of those peaches."
I sprang to the screen door and almost opened it when I saw them against the background of night. Mosquitoes. Almost as big as crows. Musta been at least a dozen and all crouched down ready to spring off the outside of the screen door. Each one of them had razor sharp black syringes for sucking blood from their victims and every eye was on me, evil desires coursing through their wicked minds.
I squatted down and tried to stare them down. Maybe if I look hard enough I could read their minds and figure out how to defeat their evil plan to suck all my blood out and replace it with green scum blood.
"Jerry Dale, stop just standing around and do what your mother told you!" daddy yelled from the kitchen table.

Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :

I'll give it a read. My email is in my profile.

Mary

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

yos@gis.net

Posted by kagome (Member # 2001) on :

It's interesting, but I think there are a couple of errors in the punctuation:

quote:
Mama looked around the corner of the kitchen door and said to me, "Jerry, run out to the cellar and get me a jar of those peaches."

and:

quote:
Maybe if I look hard enough, I could read their minds and figure out how to defeat their evil plan to suck all my blood out and replace it with green scum blood.

I'm not happy of using slang in the narrative, but since it's a first person POV I accept it. Don't use it too much!

Oh, and you can send the rest of it at kagome@tiscali.it, I'd be glad to give a look at it.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

I vote for this one.

Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :

Send it.