(added May 12th) Hey guys! This is getting published! Scroll down to the bottom for details. Mary
---- (original text) I've been away for awhile, but I could use a fresh pair of eyes on this 1769-word short story. (I've done rewrites, it's now 2417 words)
Thanks, Mary Robinette
---- "Just Right"
"Why are you always so cynical?" Celia said as her husband came through the door again and headed for the toaster-oven.
Lou shook his head. "I'm not cynical." He checked the switch on the toaster-oven. "I'm cautious. I just wanted to make sure I turned it off after I toasted my bagel."
She laughed. "Which is fine, love, but you've checked it twice already."
He raised an eyebrow at her. "Do you know how many houses burn down each year because of toaster-ovens?"
"And this isn't cynicsm?"
"Not at all. A cynic believes in the worst of human nature. If I were cynical I would worry that you had turned it back on just to bother me."
"But it's not on."
"No." He looked at the dial and fiddled with it. "It's not."
She slid her arms around his waist and whispered, "The house isn't going to burn down."
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 13, 2004).]
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
Hmm...
Interesting. I think you could place the first dialog after the Celia watched her... to set the POV.
The He raised an eyebrow followed by the finger waggeling and the dialog slowed the story down for me, but the last line REALLY freaked me out. Which is good, I guess.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thanks for the speedy response. I should explain that this is for submission to the magazine "The First Line" and the story has to begin with the first line "Why are you always so cynical."
Yours, Mary
Posted by jpwriter (Member # 1987) on :
I thought the raised eyebrow was fine but the finger waggling seemed two strong. I like the last post thought the last line was terrific. It really hooked me and got an emotional response. I think it worked so well because it was totally unexpected. I really expected this to escalate into a fight. Very Cool. Jerry
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Looks pretty good from here. I don't usually like opening with a line of dialogue, but since the stricture here seems to require either dialogue or a second person story :shudders: I'd go with dialogue myself.
Minor point: since this is the first line of a dialogue, and we have no other way to know who is speaking, you should use a dialoge tag here. Only a minor point since there isn't any real ambiguity after Lou's first lines...if not for the fact that he shakes his head just before saying "I'm not" and so forth then it would be a more than minor point.
Anyway, I'm up to read it.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thanks. The finger waggling is gone and a dialogue tag is in. Both good thoughts.
Mary Robinette
Posted by Alias (Member # 1645) on :
I still see the finger waggling. And I agree that the word is ... not what I would have used.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Gee, thanks Alias, I edited the story and didn't think to edit my original post. If you can think of anything useful I'd love to hear it.
Mary
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
I don't know, thought the dialogue was really quite good -- sharp and intelligent. Nothing happened though. It seems that in a short story, and such a short one at that, you'd expect something to actually have happened in the first chunk of the story.
My (1/2)cent.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thanks Rahl22. I think the action that is happening in this excerpt has to be there, but it only makes sense with the rest of the story. I could be wrong.
I had hoped to have some folks read the whole thing. Part of what I need feedback on is whether the cause of the conflict in the story is clear and I don't want to bias any of my critiquers on the board.
Oh, heck. If I told you that one of the characters is displaying signs of a medical condition within those first thirteen lines, would you know what their problem was?
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 22, 2004).]
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
Paranoia.
Send me a copy to yos@gis.net with the title, Hatrack Writing.
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Good guess, but no. I've sent a copy off to you; thanks for offering to read it.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 22, 2004).]
Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :
Got it. Read it ASAP.
Posted by jpwriter (Member # 1987) on :
Send me a copy as well. It will be Monday before I will be able to read it. I will send comments by Tuesday. Jerry
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thanks Phanto, those were great notes. It means the story will have to double in length, but hey- I enjoy writing. Right?
Mary
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Looks to me like you enjoy writing...I enjoyed reading it. I don't usually feel much enjoyment of something the writer didn't enjoy writing...not that I have some kind of telepathic ability to know whether or not anyone enjoys writing :straight and serious and definitely not winking or smiling face:
Posted by Alias (Member # 1645) on :
I would have to agree, I notice it to.
It just seems to present itself in the flow of the story, right Survivor?
Posted by kagome (Member # 2001) on :
This first dialogue bit is interesting. I can't understand from these lines which is the medical problem one of the characters have, therefore I'd love to give the ful fiction a read. Please send it to kagome@tiscali.it
thank you And good luck!
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thanks Survivor and Alias, you guys make me blush. (I mean guys in the gender-neutral contemporary-American slang sense.)
I have done the rewrites and the story is now 2417 words long, so I didn't have to double it. Whew.
I also just sent it off to a doctor who specializes in this to make sure I'm not misrepresenting it in any way. I'll let you know.
Oh, and Kagoma? Don't worry if you don't know what the condition is in the first thirteen lines. From my reading, most of the family members who live with people who have this don't realize it, sometimes for years. This story is about the day Celia figures it out.
Yours, Mary Robinette
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 26, 2004).]
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
A moment of "Whew." This story is about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I sent it off to a doctor who specializes in OCD to check it for any places that I misrepresent the disorder. He only had one technical note (and caught two typos) but he also had this to say.
"Thanks so much for the opportunity to review "Just Right". Your writing poignantly captures the anguish frequently entailed in OCD and I look forward to its publication."
I'm one happy camper. Now, if I can just get it published.
Mary
Posted by Alias (Member # 1645) on :
Excellent!
Posted by MaryRobinette (Member # 1680) on :
Thank you all! I will you a surfeit of exclamation points because this little short story is being published! It's my first ever and is largely, largely due to the help I got here. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited May 13, 2004).]
Posted by djvdakota (Member # 2002) on :
Congratulations!!! You give us all hope. I wanted also to thank you for your kind critique of Neverking: first 13. It's still a while yet to being finished. I'm really just starting this short story thing, so I wanted to be sure I was getting a good start. But when it is finished I will definitely send it to you.
And good luck!