Here is the first 13 lines:
Richard Kurt was angry. He had one serious problem and there didn't seem to be an easy way out. Staring down the barrel of the gun, he looked into the eyes of the bounty hunter, I should have taken a left, why the hell did I turn right? He asked himself. As Kurt felt the solid wall of metal press against his back, he realized with a sinking sensation in his gut, he was finished running. At least for today.
The bounty hunter, Jon Rauland watched in amusement as the anger simmered in the criminal's eyes. Rauland was the happiest he had ever been in his line of work. For seven months this criminal had been eluding him. Always one step ahead of him, but today January 1, 2095 Kurt, tripped himself up!
Rauland would never admit to anyone, but he was extremely lucky seeing Kurt first. The criminal stepped out of the Oasis Bar as Rauland turned the corner. Rauland stopped, startled by Kurt's presence but before Kurt made him, Rauland dove into an alley way. His boots slapped the ground as he raced to beat him, he slid to a stop in the middle of an empty lane and pulled his gun from its holster. Rauland tried to hold it steady as he panted for breath. Blinking sweat from his eyes, he waited for the criminal to come around the corner.
[This message has been edited by mahukey (edited March 28, 2004).]
LDS
Forget everything you've actually written, and figure out which character's story you're telling, and what span of time the action of the story actually covers. Start with that character's POV, as that character enters the first scene of the story and prepares to begin the action. Your writing about the other character's thoughts and actions should only enter the story as your POV character becomes aware of them, by which I mean no POV shifts or flashbacks.
After you've told the story that way, you can start thinking about whether to use POV shifts and flashbacks.
Why not offer the first chapter? One chapter would be more easily to read and review. Also if the first chapter is not easy to read then the person reading it has the option to quit after one chapter.
If the first 13 lines are in anyway confusing, has POV problems, or isn't very interesting, then not many people will be willing to volunteer their time.
You must also remember some of us here are quite picky about POV issues. I personally have problems reading stories that are not rooted in a POV. I know some people feel their writing is in omnipresent when it is more lack of understanding. 3rd person limited is a good POV to work with. It forces a writer to write based on one person, and what that person can see or know.
I don't want to be harsh, but working full time while doing night contracting...and trying to write myself, leaves me very limited reading time. I like to help out but over 10K words is more than I personally can commit to. I would bet other people here have hectic lives as well.
Fix your first chapter in one POV character and I'd be happy to give it a look.
LDS
[This message has been edited by Lord Darkstorm (edited March 30, 2004).]
The very first sentence turned me off. The other concerns aside, I do not believe that this sentence alone would get to an editor's desk, let alone past it. When writing emotions the *worst* thing you can do is to straight out tell someone that so and so is angry. In fact, if your story never stated emotions in such black and white terms your book would automatically go up 10 notches in my estimation.
And then, even worse, your follow-up sentences lead me to believe that your character should be more afraid than angry. There is no context for this anger. You have it simmering in his eyes, but why?
SHOW DON't TELL
Wait, did I just say a bad word? Ooops...but I think this is a perfect example. Your very first scene should involve almost no telling whatsoever. While it is ok to just give us some background later, we don't have any foreground so what good is background going to do us?
I'm done now.
Frankly, from the excerpt, I'm not sure the flashback adds anything. It sounds like this apprehension may be enough of a starting point, but if you're really attached to the arrest, lead with the chase.
Note from Kathleen:
Sorry. Remember the title of this topic?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 30, 2004).]
AHA I noticed it was shorter than before....sorry.
[This message has been edited by mahukey (edited March 31, 2004).]
First, it's jarring that Jon Rauland is first referred to as "the bounty hunter" and then, with no introduction, becomes "Jon Rauland."
"Kurt's mind races [RACED] as he measured..."
Most of this paragraph is a run-on sentence. Most (all?) of those commas should be periods.
I also don't think that "he started running as the bounty hunter ..." is quite right. That means that they happened at the same time (insert plea for grammar-gurus to correct me here), but it seems that one or the other should happen first. Either he starts running, so the bounty hunter flicks off the safety, or the bounty hunter flicks off the safety, which scares Kurt, so he runs. (Then, of course, it would be odd that he would freeze, so I think you meant the first one.)
The right-left thing doesn't work IMHO because I have no clue about why going left was bad and why right would have been good.
I don't get why Kurt is smirking, either. This seems like a shift from being scared and planning to run.
I do think that it's much stronger than the previous version, so you're definitely on the right track. It looks like this will be an exciting story.
LDS
Our man here isn't the sharpest pencil in the drawer, sabe? But then, neither is our guy.
That said, this version is much better. Avoid using the present tense in narration, deepen the POV a bit, visualize your description for continuity and things that just don't make any sense. You know, standard stuff. But this is much better. I'll take a look at the re-written first chapter.
P.S. in case your lurking hasn't been very through, I warn you that I'm far from the kindest critic on this forum...
P.S. it's actually possible that I don't live all that far from the kindest critic (depending on who that is), I meant that in a metaphorical sense...
Only thing...you seem to keep attaching more and more information at the end of a sentence and separate it by commas:
"Richard Kurt stood with his hands clenched behind his head, a drop of sweat slid down across his brow stinging his eyes."
These are two different sentences; they either need to be separated by a period or a semicolon. I wish I had the grammar tools to explain exactly why, but let me just try with my simple understanding. "a drop of sweat" is a noun, "slid" is a verb, it just begins a new sentence, or a semicolon separated sentence if you prefer.
[This message has been edited by mahukey (edited March 31, 2004).]