Thanks.
quote:
When May woke up on a cold summer day, she knew she was about to die. A painful truth for her to accept, sure, but May saw no point in hiding from it. Denial and fools' gold were the same—they made people happy, while being utterly worthless. And the fact was that May was sick: every several minutes she would start coughing uncontrollably, hacking up blood."Silvia," she called, her voice a weak shadow of what it once was.
Her young sister, Silvia, peeked into May's room from behind an empty doorframe. Their small house, which only had three rooms, didn't have doors inside of it, that was too expensive. Instead, they had holes in the walls.
"Yes?" Silvia curled a strand of her frizzy red hair around a finger, trying to hide her obvious nervousness. "Do you want me to get you anything? Are you feeling better?"
May smiled faintly, almost breaking into
laughter. Silvia really loved her. "I'm feeling a little better," May lied, forcing herself not to cough. "Don't come any closer—I don't want you catching it."
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited March 12, 2004).]
The only possible negative thing I can see is the "cold summer's day." Unless there is a significance to the fact that a summer day is cold, it's otherwise a bit of unexpected color that is just a little too disconcerting all up front like that. Perhaps simply say a cold day, and save "Summer" for a paragraph when some context will take away the "What the . . ." factor.
BTW, I like this much better than "Deleted."
[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited March 12, 2004).]
quote:
Their small house, which only had three rooms, didn't have doors inside of it, that was too expensive. Instead, they had holes in the walls.
I'll try reading the rest, but I probably won't be able to respond with in a particularly prompt manner.
quote:this could be changed. Make it a cool summer day or oddly cold for summer or cold because she is ill.
When May woke up on a cold summer day
I know that with all the discussion of "showing" something, it is redundant and overused, but I will use it anyway.
quote:Instead of telling us this in a couple of sentances, give some description of what it looked like. Maybe even describe the wall color or the way the sunlight filters through and highlights Silvia's red hair, or something to that effect. It wouldn't take but a few words added in to paint a clearer picture.
Their small house, which only had three rooms, didn't have doors inside of it, that was too expensive. Instead, they had holes in the walls.
I think this is your best start so far,(really). Definately better than the deep expanse of nothingness that was symbolized in your "Deleted" post earlier
Can I get Away With This...?
Hehe.
Anyway, thanks for the feedback. What I am most interested in is, do you feel character empathy? Or do you just feel observing interest?