Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Do the first 13 work?

This is topic Do the first 13 work? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Louis Wu (Member # 1830) on :

Hey. Does this work as the opening of a story for you? If not, why? Thanks.

Jim Dunne was not a member of the academia. He was a neutral observer, and in his eyes it was a blessing. He was not bound by the conflicts between the various scientific disciplines. When the inevitable debates took place, he was able to stand aside and not get involved. He was the one person who was essential for any escape attempt; he was the pilot.

"Not," he said aloud, dryly, "that I have anything to fly."

The wide, gargantuan hulk of the Lockheed Martin STR-73 lay half-submerged in swampy waters. He stood on the shore nearby and watched it. Such violent crosswinds. Who could have known? It certainly wasn't his fault. But he was honest enough to admit that, in hindsight, a little more flaps would have been a good idea on the initial approach.

He stirred from his silent vigil, turned, and began walking back up the slope, toward what civilization remained.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Oops. Too soon...too soon.

This seemed like two different stories -- and I liked them both. The outsider story and the one about airplanes. However, the last sentence in the first paragraph seemed too cryptic. I needed to know better how the two stories fit together. You might consider starting with the third paragraph and go into the first in the fourth. (Did that make sense? )

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited March 06, 2004).]

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

I didn't really feel like the first paragraph was giving Jim's actual thoughts; it felt more like a narrative description.

So I found it jarring for him to say something in response to the narration.

In the third paragraph, where we are definitely getting his thoughts, those thoughts seem too superficial for a pilot looking at a plane he had crashed. And, although I'm no pilot, I don't know that more flaps would do any good if the problem were violent crosswinds. Maybe it would, but to me it sounds like you're trying to fake it here.

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

My only advice...start on paragraph 3. Gets us right into the action without the jarring transition between narration and what followed. Actually, saying that, I'm not sure the third paragraph is exactly where to begin. I can't tell from 13 lines, but if his plane has already gotten stuck in a swamp, then you are going to have to put a flasbhack in here very soon to tell us how it go there....so you might actually want to start when he starts having whatever trouble got him there, but that's not something I can call with an certainty with the snippet we have here.

On a positive note, I did find this to be interesting and wuold probably read for a few more paragraphs at least to find out what's going on.

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

I'll second Christine's notion. Replace "he" with the guy's name in the first sentence and the thing may flow better.

Posted by grendelkahn (Member # 1937) on :

Maybe all the information in the first paragraph could be stuck into other parts of the story. Just a thought.

I think Christine is right also about maybe starting a bit earlier. It may go more smoothly.

But I defnitly am interested enough to read farther and see what kind of situation Jim is in.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Eric has a good point there, more flaps means less airspeed and a greater cross section of the wing from the side. It would make the plane far more vulnerable to an unexpected crosswind.

The POV character should start by observing the scene before mulling things over.

"Jim stood on the shore and looked at the gargantuan hulk of the STR-73, lying half-submerged in the swampy water only a few [i]dozen/hundred] meters away."

Then you have something for him to think about, and the reader has a basic scene that can be elaborated by the following text and a blank character to fill out at the same time

As above, this seems like an interesting story. But I'll wait for another version

Posted by JBShearer (Member # 9434) on :

The only gripe I have, it's good mind you, is that the first paragraph is all "he's not on anybody's side, they need him, he's a pilot", and then the tense/timeframe jumps. NO, they don't need a pilot anymore. They DID need one, but not now. "He had BEEN the one person. . . ." See?

Well, and a few of the sentences were choppy, but that's not a bad thing, just recognize you're doing it. I saw a few places where you could'a compounded the sentences and it would'a flowed better. ". . . toward what civilization remained. . . ." No, really, great hook. You don't even need to follow up immediately. Leave 'em hanging.

Oh, and I thought the switch between narrative and introspective dialogue (first and second p-graphs) was sweet. Very Douglas Adams.

Posted by Louis Wu (Member # 1830) on :

Thanks for the replies. There were a lot of good points about the POV switch in the first paragraph, and the flaps-in-violent-crosswinds issue, so I fixed it. Is it any better?

Jim Dunne was not a member of the academic councils. He was a neutral observer, one of the "technical people" -- he was a pilot. The pilot, actually, because Morgan had tripped over a rock and broke his neck.

"Not," he said aloud, dryly, "that I have anything to fly."

The wide, gargantuan hulk of the Lockheed Martin STR-73 lay half-submerged in swampy waters. He stood on the shore nearby and watched it, reflecting, as he always did, on the moments before the crash. And, like always, he could not think of any other course of action that would have prevented it. But, rightly or wrongly, he still felt guilty.

He stirred from his silent vigil, turned, and began walking back up the slope, toward what civilization remained. He made the trip to the crash site every few days to keep his spirits up. To remind himself that some hope still existed. Thunder rumbled in the distance, and he looked at the sky with a grimace. The rain was what he hated the most, above all. He had grown up in Arizona, for Christ's sake.

[This message has been edited by Louis Wu (edited March 15, 2004).]