Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13 of Short story

This is topic First 13 of Short story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by grendelkahn (Member # 1937) on :

This is the first two line of one of my short stories. It's called "Sabotage" If anyone would be willing to give me inputon the rest I'd appreciate it. Thanks.
___________________________________________
She’d been waiting three days for her chance to complete her assignment. The moon cast its pale glow on the guards that she was watching across the valley. She knew their names to be Wu and Shang and they were the normal third shift guards. Wu was sitting outside next to the gate and Shang was standing just inside the guard shack. She knew all of the guard’s names and more information about all of them than she cared to. She knew the times for shift change and when all the technicians came in. She new the code for both the outer and inner gate. She knew everything that happened at the gate.

Three times since she’d been lying in wait sentries pasted within two meters of her, but left none the wiser. Other than the sentries she hadn’t felt that her assignment was ever in jeopardy. She spent most of the time thinking about what kind of effect her task would have on the world.

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

Hey - pretty good. Just three things you may want to consider:

[1] Unless her anonymity is integral to the story, don't be afraid to give her a name right out of the gate. Otherwise, I'm thinking there must be a reason for not naming her, and I'll be a little annoyed when I learn her name and see there was no good reason not to have known it in the first place.

[2] I assume that "was ever in jeopardy" should have read "was [n]ever in jeopardy."

[3] Those last few words may possibly have set too large a hook. I mean, it's a heck of a concept with which to end 13 rather innocuous lines about some moonlight sneakin' around, so one hopes that the next paragraph backs up her worry a bit. On the other hand, sometimes you need to really tug that line before your fish have a chance to nibble and run away. On the other hand, sometimes we fish prefer an appetizer of cheeseballs before going for the ol' bloodworms. On the other hand [ad infinitum]

So, pretty good, overall, but that last bit makes me a little wary, probably for no good reason.

[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited March 06, 2004).]

Posted by grendelkahn (Member # 1937) on :

Thanks for the input, I really appreciate it.

That "ever" should be "never"

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

I liked the dramatic hook and, unsophisticate that I am, you could string it out throughout the story and I wouldn't mind, especially if that's the maguffin of the tale. But CW's point is valid. I guess it depends on the rest of the story.

First paragraph has too much non-essential stuff. After the mention of the guards, drum it home for the reader. As is too often the case, showing is the best way of telling:
<She knew their names. Wu and Shang, the normal third shift guards. She knew all the guards'names. She knew the times for shift change and when all the technicians came in. She new the code for both the outer and inner gate. She knew everything that happened at the gate.>
I'm assuming the exact position of the two guards isn't really important, at least not in this paragraph. With a short story, words are especially at a premium.

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

No, "ever" is right. "Never" would make the sentence a double negative, and I haven't never considered that to be good.

Interesting start. I just hope you're going to tell us almost immediately what effect her task would have on the world, rather than leave that to a surprise ending. Knowing what's at stake heightens the suspense regarding whether she will succeed.

I assume that by "pasted" you mean "passed." (Unless the sentries are going around with glue guns.)

Posted by grendelkahn (Member # 1937) on :

Ok so ever that should be never should really be ever and pasted should be passed.

Yes I do tell why her task is so important right away. Would anyone like to read the whole thing? It's two pages.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

quote:
Ok so ever that should be never should really be ever and pasted should be passed.

Don't you just love this site?

Posted by ccwbass (Member # 1850) on :

What hath God wrought?

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

I'd be willing take a look at the whole thing.

Posted by somnambulous (Member # 1849) on :

I thought "pasted" was supposed to be "posted."

Posted by grendelkahn (Member # 1937) on :

Ok ok. So now the pasted that should be passed would also work as posted. But it is suppose to be passed; like they were on a patrol and passed near her.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

"Pasted" and "posted" would both work, but need objects. They could have pasted posters or posted pasters...I'm not sure what a paster would be, perhaps a person assigned to paste posters. Or they could have pasted poster pasters, in the sense of beating up guys assigned to paste posters.

Anyway, there is no good reason for hiding her name (not even if she turns out to be Adolf Hitler).

Start by giving us her relative position to something important, like the guards or perhaps the gate. After reading this pretty carefully, I can guess (but only guess) that she is somewhere pretty close to the gate (she could easily be a mile away using a telescope, though--or perhaps a sniper rifle).

Which is another problem, you've gone on about this gate and the guards for this long and I have no idea whether this is set in the past, present, or future. None whatsoever, I mean I don't have a clue. Given the Chinese setting (and the title of the piece), I can't even make anything out of the word "technicians" here.

I'll check back with you later.