ok, I finally sat down to try and come up with an opening. This is the first attempt at a possible opening of about three I've been considering. My thoughts right now is that it seems kinda, well, cliche. Does it ring that way to anyone else? anyways, the open:
“Do you have a location yet?”
“Yes; the city of XXXX, Northern sector, third quadrant. We should have more precise information before you clear the docks.”
“Opposition?”
“Confirmed. At least two Koraachin, plus the city garrison.”
“I'll handle them, is my backup in orbit?”
“Do you really need to ask?”
“I suppose not.” The comm clicked off and his ship dropped into the atmosphere of Skyyl.
Posted by yanos (Member # 1831) on :
It is the sort of opening I used to remember from those computer games. You know the mission based ones. So I guess then I would find it rather cliched, which is not to mean it cannot be made to work, just depends how it fits into what follows. Personally I would be tempted to steer away from an opening that gives me nothing but dialogue.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
I could hear the computer simulated voices as I read.
But that's not to say it is bad....just wanted you to know what I was thinking. If your target audience includes video game players and military scifi lovers, you're probably ok.
But I'm afraid it did come across as a little cliche, and probably a bit childish, too. Is there any way you can open with something other than pure dialogue? I think throwin in asome description would counteract both the clicheness and the childishness. (If clicheness a word?...oh well, is now. )
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
A dialogue vignette can work well, but opening your text with dialogue can be quite problematic. This could be taken for such a vignette, but then you say "The comm clicked off and his ship dropped into the atmosphere of Skyyl." See, we don't know who "he" is. We also don't know whether "he" is the POV character. But we do know that this is no longer a dialogue vignette...it is text, and confusing text.
Also, some bits of this dialogue just seem odd.
quote:"Do you really need to ask?”
“I suppose not.”
What? Of course, this is in response to the preceding question.
quote:“I'll handle them, is my backup in orbit?”
"Oh, did I get a weapons loadout?" "Say, where's the control stick on this thing?" "I forget, is this craft capable of atmospheric flight?"
Maybe the guy is just kidding, but there are some times you just don't joke around. From the general form and subject matter of the dialogue, I would tend to guess that this would be such a time (pre-drop checks for a combat mission).
Posted by kinglear (Member # 1932) on :
Thanks for the comments, you have reinforced the thoughts I had immediately after I wrote that. I think I'm gonna have to develop one of the other opens I had in mind... thanks!
-jon-
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
I should also point out that dialogue vignettes are best used when two characters are interacting in a more conversational setting, so that individual character or surprising revelations can show through the dialogue.
A pre-drop/flight/launch check is not an idea candidate simply because so much of what is said is going to be scripted...unless a real surprise turns up during the check, which would usually imply an abort.
Posted by JBShearer (Member # 9434) on :
I don't agree. Not with any of you. Not a bit. Not a smidgen, a little thingy, nor a parsnip.
It draws you into the action. It squeezes you tight with tension. It . . . well, I liked it.
Two things. One, being in the military myself, I understand the "are they in orbit?". The first voice is doing his job, double-checking to make sure everything is ready. The second is being slightly snide, like "of course, buddy, would I let you down?" There is no prob.
When "he" drops down onto the planet, I would throw in a name and a slight descriptive word or phrase, like the "red giant" Skylararar(whatever, I'm not gonna go back and look.
)