Hatrack River Writers Workshop: I try again, from earlier in the story

This is topic I try again, from earlier in the story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by dbzff_more (Member # 1917) on :

Here is a new try at opening.

---->

“Crispin?”

Crispin looked over at Myanth. “Yes?”

“Are we going to go in?”

Crispin thought a few moments. Visions of drooling creatures with large teeth danced through his imagination. He shivered.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Crispin replied, a little too quickly. “Just a little chilly here is all.”
Here happened to be halfway up a sheer cliff at the mouth of a gigantic cave. After a short pause he added, “I guess we can camp here for the night and proceed into the cavern tomorrow. I don’t look forward to leaving the sky behind.”

---->

I have about a full .doc page done. Let me know if you would like to read it via post or e-mail please.

Posted by PE_Sharp (Member # 1654) on :

I will read your page if you send it as part of an email. I don't download .doc files though. Suffice it to say I am resonably interesedt, though first, two quick notes on the text presented.

quote:
"Nothing.” Crispin replied, a little too quickly. “Just a little chilly here is all.”

I think this would read better without the comma after 'replied.'

quote:
“I guess we can camp here for the night and proceed into the cavern tomorrow. I don’t look forward to leaving the sky behind.”

I think you should borrow a word from spelunking instead of saying 'proceed' in this sentence, or just some how make it sound a bit more casual, or even authoritarian if the speaker is indeed in a position of authority. I don't want to recommend the words, that is your choice, but here are some spelunking terminology links that might be useful.

http://werple.net.au/~gah/speleology/glossary.htm

http://home.mira.net/~gnb/caving/glossary/]http://home.mira.net/~gnb/caving/glossary/

http://wasg.iinet.net.au/terminol.html

Edited to fix garbled thinking and writing (and then mangled links .)

[This message has been edited by PE_Sharp (edited February 17, 2004).]

Posted by Phanto (Member # 1619) on :

It was fantastic until Here happened to be halfway up a sheer cliff at the mouth of a gigantic cave.

That really jarred me.

I liked the part with the visions.
You have good sentence structure, overall, combining short with long.

Posted by TheoPhileo (Member # 1914) on :

I agree with Phanto on the "Here happened to be" part. I also agree with Sharp about using proceed like that in dialogue; it sounds too formal. Overall, though, this is much better than your first version.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Reads like a fantasy, but I can handle a page of one. Email it, please.

Just a few quick comments:
<“Are we going to go in?”> might flow better as "Are we going in?"
<leaving the sky behind> is a nice way to put that.