Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Novel anyone?

This is topic Novel anyone? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Ergoface (Member # 1429) on :

Back in March I finished my first draft. It has taken me this long complete my first blush copy edit and fix some problems seen by early reviewers.

This is fantasy. It involves an apprentice wizard (and yes I did start writing it before I read Harry Potter). This looks to be volume one of a trilogy. Any comments are welcome. If you want to look at it, tell me how much you want at a time. Thanks. Dave

quote:
Jashoc ran. He headed down the narrow alleyway trying to avoid the three older boys who were chasing him. He knew that if one of them caught up with him that the game would be up. He would have to face whatever Murdoc, the slave owner, his master, wanted. It couldn’t be good.
Jashoc was a slave. He had not been born to it, and the many beatings he’d received from Murdoc had not broken him. They only made him more resourceful at finding ways to avoid being put to work and better about finding ways to make himself scarce when he had finished a job he could not avoid.
Avoiding Murdoc meant that Jashoc didn’t eat as regularly as he liked or sleep in much comfort either. Not that he would have eaten or slept all that well if he had been the perfect slave. Murdoc concerned himself with such things as little as possible, just enough to keep his property healthy and working.

Posted by revmachine21 (Member # 1732) on :

Postive feedback:
- I immediately liked it

Things I questioned:
- Slaves aren't normally allowed to do want they want. Who / what watched over Jashoc and kept him and others in line?

Things that didn't seem plausible:
- That the slave master wouldn't keep close track of his property and that Jaschoc could "avoid" his master. Maybe a low profile possible but avoidance doesn't seem a tactic that a slave could employ successfully.

[This message has been edited by revmachine21 (edited September 24, 2003).]

Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :

I'm afraid I don't have time to critique a novel length work at this time. If you would sent me the first couple of chapters, though, I'll give them a look and give you some feedback. Your opening is good.

revmachine21--not all slavery is like the slavery we are familiar with in the southern U.S. Slaves are not always constantly watched over and in many cultures they have been well educated, trusted members of society. Slaveery has not always been a mark of shame, and often people could buy their way out. Try reading ancient history, it's got much better versions of slavery than U.S. history, and frankly, if you're going to have a system of slavery, it's got systems that would work better.

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited September 24, 2003).]

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

well, I can't say I could critique the whole thing very quickly. But I would be more than happy to read it and I can do some critiques chapter by chapter.

Fantasy and magic is one of my passions so I would love to help as much as I can. If you would like to send it: lorddarkstorm@adelphia.net

Posted by Ergoface (Member # 1429) on :

Ah the joys of only posting a snippet!

Revmachine, some of your questions are answered in the next few paragraphs, but Christine is right about the slavery system here, and the fact (explained in the next paragraph) that Jashoc isn't technically a slave.

At any rate, Revmachine, do you want more?

Christine, I'll send you a couple of chapters.

To anyone who wants to ask for any part, know that I will be most patient with feedback. I know a novel of over 109,000 words is a big chunk, so let me know what, if anything, you want to see.
Thanks,
Dave

Posted by cvgurau (Member # 1345) on :

You can send me the whole hulk of a thing, if it won't crash my semi-primitive computer.

Or, in parts, if you want.

Chris

PS--I like what I read, so far, and coulcd find nothing wrong with it. Good job.

Posted by revmachine21 (Member # 1732) on :

If you send it I will try to read it.

Posted by punahougirl84 (Member # 1731) on :

I can't offer to read it just now, though it sounds interesting. Your beginning certainly pulls the reader in.

One comment. You show that Jashoc is a slave in the second to last sentence of the first paragraph:

"He would have to face whatever Murdoc, the slave owner, his master, wanted."

Therefore, you don't really need to restate that as the first sentence of the second paragraph. Maybe something like:

Jashoc had not been born to slavery, and the many beatings he’d received from Murdoc had not broken him.

Just a thought. Good Luck!
Lee