Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Man Who Moved the Moon

This is topic The Man Who Moved the Moon in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

First 13 lines of a short story called "The Man Who Moved the Moon." I'm planning to submit to Phobos next Thursday. Let me know if you'd like to read the whole thing (about 6500 words.)

Darryl Harrison had his doubts about the whole idea of "realistic" movies. After all, the movie would have to be converted to digital eventually because that's where the audience was. Twelve billion people had uploaded to digital, leaving the Earth and its problems behind. The twenty million people still living on the real Earth — probably technophobes or religious types who didn't like movies anyway — weren't a demographic worth pursuing. A hundred thousand more scattered between Mars, the asteroids, and the Jovian satellites added little at the box office. The audience was digital, so why not make the movie digitally in the first place?

But Philippe Duvall had three Oscars for Best Director, and if he wanted to make a "realistic" film, who was Darryl to argue? The chance to work with one of the big-name directors was too good to pass up, so he ignored his doubts and took the job as second assistant.

The rapid-cloning from his DNA record and the mind download went off without...

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

Care to Trade? I just finished the first draft of mine. Its roughly 6600 words.

Either way if you would like me to look at yours I will.

thayes@medjet.com

Posted by pygmy_goat (Member # 1709) on :

Oh, yes. It sounds quite good (at least you've done a good job of pulling me in!).

Please send it.

Don't know who I am? I'm new! Well, okay, so I've been here before, but in the under 18 part (now I'm back, as an adult, several years later. Hopefully my writing is better).

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

It sounds like a kind of interesting concept. It might be a better hook if you could express a key difference between the virtual world inhabited by Earth's billions and the old reality, preferably the key difference in terms of perceptual frame of reference.

I'd be willing to critique it.

Posted by Doc Brown (Member # 1118) on :

Interesting concept, but it didn't grab me. Too much infodump and not enough conflict in the opening paragraphs.

Instead of having the issue of what demographic to pursue already resolved, you might consider having the story open with an argument on the subject.

Posted by EricJamesStone (Member # 1681) on :

I've already submitted the story to Phobos, so I'm not touching it again for a while.

But thanks for taking the time to give feedback, Doc.