Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Way of Things

This is topic The Way of Things in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Hildy9595 (Member # 1489) on :

Okay, here it goes. Please ready the slings and arrows of constructive criticism

I am seeking feedback on my book, The Way of Things. It is a long one, so I am not going to ask anyone to look at the whole thing in this forum. However, I would really love to get feedback on a few chapters, starting of course with number one. The setting is this: our modern world, the New Jersey shore. The genre I suppose is dark urban fantasy. I don't want to give too much away, so suffice it to say that Joey is my main character and that there is more to him than initially meets the eye. If after reading the lines below anyone is interested in critiquing my first chapter, please let me know. Thanks!

Here are my first chapter's first 13 lines:

After the kids were tucked into bed late Saturday night, Joey kissed his wife goodbye and headed to a club full of hookers.

At least, they were probably hookers. His tip was weak after all — the source only partially trustworthy. But, it was his responsibility to check it out, so he dutifully shrugged on his favorite black leather jacket and went out into the rainy night.

He consulted the folded piece of paper that had been tucked in the pocket of his jeans. “Milk, Golden Grahams, pea…whoops,” he muttered. Flipping the paper over, he read, JAMZ, The Hottest Spot at the Jersey Shore! “Cute.”

He drove along the Beach Street strip of clubs, until the red neon sign that read JAMZ caught his eye. Hoping he had brought along enough cash for parking, he pulled his Honda over, got out and turned the keys over to the valet.

The valet looked at him sideways.

“I know, I know, just park it,” Joey sighed, giving the guy way too big an incentive.

Posted by srhowen (Member # 462) on :

I'll look at some of it. Don't know how much of it I can get through, but I look at some.

Shawn

srhowen@hotmail.com

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Ditto for me.

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

I should have time to look at a chapter or two. I’ll send you an email so you have a contact.

[This message has been edited by GZ (edited August 14, 2002).]

Posted by Hildy9595 (Member # 1489) on :

Thank you, folks! SR, Kolona, I'll send to you later today. GZ, already on its way.

I really appreciate this folks, and of course I extend the same offer to read anything of yours and critique, if needed/desired.

Best wishes,

Hildy

Posted by Infyrno on :

Hey! New to the forum, but I've been at fresco for about a year, and never rally got around to coming over here. But... now I have, so here is some constuctive criticism for you. Whether it is a sling or and arrow is for you to decide.
I don't necessarily need any more of your story to come to this conclusion, but I would like a copy of it: FantomSky@aol.com

Your discription of what Joey is doing and what is going on is just that: a discription. There is no flare. No bright and shiny colors that will attract the reader. You need to say things like: "... he stepped out into the ebon night, the rain, pelting him like swarms of hornets." You have discription but you lack similies and metaphors that go arm-in-arm with the discription.
Thats just my opinion though. Other ones may be different.

"Insanity is your only escape..."

Vycye

Posted by Hildy9595 (Member # 1489) on :

Hello and welcome, Infyrno (cool name, btw). I'd be happy to send you a copy. I cop to frequently being overfocused on dialogue and plot, more than setting and mood. It is something I want and need to work on, so thanks for the advice.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I'm thinking that this story is headed for a cute twist...or a cynical one. Either way, I'm game to read it.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

My opinion is different than Infyrno's, Hildy. Your writing style is perfect for this piece. If you were to wax poetic here, it wouldn't work. There are many types of descriptive methods, but the last thing you need is an overabundance of adjectives and flowery metaphors in a story about a cut-to-the-chase kind of guy/being.

The opening line of the chapter is a hooker (Sorry, I couldn't resist), a great hook for the reader. The tongue-in-cheek humor lends an attitude of facetiousness that fits here. I'm not a vampire/fantasy person, but I was drawn into the chapter.

The long prologue is a necessary evil in order to establish the parameters of the world you've created. The conversation with the child made it possible for you to "talk down" to the reader without insulting him, the talking down a clever way to inform even the most obtuse reader. I know there's a whole argument against prologues, but I generally don't have a problem with them. Although I'm not a reader of this genre, I'm guessing longer prologues are de rigueur for it.

A few nit-picky things:

quote:
He was immediately distracted by a blur of movement, tearing the girl away from him.

"Immediately" is unecessary. It adds nothing. Rather than "tearing the girl away from him," which confused me into thinking Joey tore the girl away from himself, perhaps it would read better "...movement that tore the girl away from him."

quote:
The vampire's red eyes were locked onto Joey's. The red orbs widened, clearly not liking what he saw in them.

The second sentence here needs revamping. "He" seems to refer to the orbs, but "he" should not refer to inanimate objects; even if it did, the singular/plural aspect is a problem. But I'm not completely certain if "he" refers to the vampire, either, because Joey could be seeing the orbs and not liking what he sees. Similarly, "them" could refer to either Joey's or the vampire's eyes. You get the picture. Also, you could easily drop the first "red."

Ellipses at the end of sentences still require periods, so the three dots should be four.

All in all, the story reads well. It's entertaining. Your credentials serve you well.

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited August 16, 2002).]

Posted by Hildy9595 (Member # 1489) on :

Thank you very much, Kolona, for taking the time to give me your feedback. I really appreciate your impressions and suggestions (and the puns, especially the puns). Please let me know if I can return the favor!