ALL MY OPINION...Second Try (longer)
Brull rode into Hosteton as the sky began to purple just after the setting of the sun.
Okay, I will explain more clearly whay I think this sentence can be improved. Brull rides as the sky does something after the sun had already done something. Your chronology seems off. As a general rule (mine?) if something happened earlier, then mention it before the thing that happens later. So the sun went down earlier, then Brull rides in as the sky purples. So using your words as much as possible:
After the sun set, Brull rode into Hosteton beneath a purple sky.
Now, the above could be improved, but the chronolgy is right which makes it flow better. Also avoid the word 'just' where possible--you can't always avoid it but you can here. 'Just'could mean anything (one second or ten minutes) in this situation and is therefore quite unspecific.
He looked to the west and saw the dark silhouettes of the mountains that held the mines, keeping the town in business.
When you are writing from a specific POV you don't need
mention things like 'he saw' as the reader infers this as it is the POV character. By removing instances of this type attribution it allows you more words to strengthen your hook. An exception to this would be when you need to specifically establish the POV is Jim and not, say, Jack.
The ride through the dry land had mantled him with a fine layer of pale dust making him look spectral in the gloom.
I commented on this sentence in my first crit and withdraw part of that comment now. The first bit is fine. Althought the POV issue is still evident.
He rode up to the only inn that seemed to be open in town, tied his horse to a post, and walked into an empty room. “Service!” he said, walking up to the bar.
Why did it seem open? Why miss out a chance to add a detail for only a few words more? Instead you have telling rather than showing.
He rode up to the only inn with lights still on, tied his horse to the post, and walked into an empty room. “Service!” he said, walking up to the bar.
A skinny old man poked his head around a corner with fear on his face.
Fear on his face? How do you know? Tell us what Brull is actually seeing.e.g.
A skinny old man poked his head around a corner, his face white and eyes wide.
“I’m not going to bite you!” Brull said.
The innkeeper said with a quivering voice, “They told me an angry god was headed to my inn.
What about showing us his quiver/quaver? e.g.
“They t...told me an angry god was headed to m..my inn."
It's more immersive.
I hope this helps and is more explainatory than my first post was--
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 05, 2009).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 05, 2009).]