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This is a short story that is about a quater of the way done. It is intended to be a supernatural mystery with a definite flair for the absurd. The main character is a vampire who thinks that vampires are being exploited by the media, and so begins his own movement to counteract the humans. So check out my first thirteen, and help me get the hook in!
p.s. The name of the letter's recipient is hyphenated because I have not named her yet.
Aelianus affixed the stamp to the letter, and dropped the sealed envelope into the mailbox. The contents of the letter would not be met with pleasure, he knew, but someone needed to speak out for the oppressed and exploited. He had appointed himself as the spokesman for his own misunderstood race. Smiling slightly - careful not to show teeth - his perfect memory allowed him to review the exact wording of his protest:
Dear Ms.___ I have read your books, and while you are a very talented writer, I feel it is necessary to inform you of a very serious problem I have with your work.
posted
Nice. I thought it was 'the' heavy. If anything can be... I'll show you what I mean.
Aelianus affixed the stamp to the letter('a stamp' would do and not make the stamp more important than it need be.), and dropped the sealed envelope into the mailbox. The contents of the letter would not be met with pleasure, he knew, but someone needed to speak out for the oppressed and exploited. He had appointed himself (as the)(cut) spokesman for his own misunderstood race. Smiling slightly - careful not to show teeth - his perfect memory allowed him to review the exact wording of his protest:
'The' is probably the most invisible word in writing, but it jumped out at me in this. Mostly because it was used four times in the first sentence, the second sentence began with it and used it three times. Remove a couple of them and I wouldn't be bothered by them(My Personal Nit, MPN(tm).)
The fact that he is a vampire being mentioned in the first thirteen would make it more hooky. May I suggest:
I have read your books on vampires, and while you are a very talented writer, I feel it is necessary to inform you of some inaccuracies in your work.
We now know he has inside information on vampires, we still don't know he is one, so this is far from the best possible adjustment to be made be I am sure you can think of something better.
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Thanks. I know what you mean about "The." I had a teacher once who would fail a story if you used "is" more than once or twice a page. I learned to rephrase really quickly!
Posts: 72 | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
hiyas///I'm not trying to be profane but I stumbled on your vampire's name and got tossed out of story ( it came across as alien anus) before I got my dyslexia sorted out/// I think another thing that stopped me was your MC trying to be careful not to show his teeth when no one else was indicated as being there/ unless he is in an all night post office? why would he need to be careful? trying to reinforce and cultivate a habit?///having said what I have///I would still read on, your writing comes across nicely descriptive and I think a dear abby for vampires could be funny hope this helps
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"Aelianus affixed the stamp to the letter, and dropped the sealed envelope into the mailbox."
-You could add some forward momentum easily here by changing and dropped to read dropping. "...to the letter, dropping the sealed ..."
"The contents of the letter would not be met with pleasure, he knew, but someone needed to speak out for the oppressed and exploited."
-I like this sentence. It gets your point across without slamming it into the reader's face. Nicely done. (Maybe move He knew to the front)
"Smiling slightly - careful not to show teeth - his perfect memory allowed him to review the exact wording of his protest:
Dear Ms.___ I have read your books, and while you are a very talented writer, I feel it is necessary to inform you of a very serious problem I have with your work."
-I think using his perfect memory as a vehicle for displaying an entire letter to the reader may expose your intentions as a writer a bit too obviously. As a reader, I'd prefer to see one of two things here: 1. Rewrite the scene so the vampire is reviewing the letter *before putting it in the envelope. 2. Don't show the letter at all, simply have him remember the good parts. Unless the memory ability is a key element of the story later on, in which case I could see it being a nice tactic. That way it would add credential to his later use of the ability. I just want to say - careful here - seeing the " his perfect memory allowed him to review the exact wording of his protest:" made me think "okay, the writer wants to lecture about some crucial details, but doesn't want to do it through the character" -- I am constantly cleaning up after myself when it comes to that mistake (I'm always lecturing the readers )
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Thanks for the advice so far. honu, I'm always willing to flex a little on names. My vampire is Roman, and I think he would maintain an obviously outdated Latin name, so if you have suggestions i would love it. Also ( I say, a bit tongue in cheek, you only assume he is skulking around at night because the media has created that image for you. It is late afternoon. We learn that almost immediately after the letter, because he hurries home to watch Oprah. DO you think it's important to establish time of day within the first 13 lines? It really doesn't seem to be immediately important, but if i need to establish it, I will.
Andrew, excellent advice. I haven't decided yet wether his recall will be important later, although it may. Begining with his letter was my origional instinct. It sounds like posting a couple of versions would be well worth my time.
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