posted
This is the opening to a short story that will become the first in a series. I'm mostly worried about the scene... is it believable?.. is it too grotesque? If you want to read more let me know.
He crawled as best he could with the broken limb. The old gravel of the road clung to the leg of his blood soaked blue jeans. Smoke rose behind him as the forest burned; trees cracked loudly in the heat. Pulling with his arms and good leg, he beat the flames over the ridge into safety. This side of the hill was still home, though it would not be for long. He rolled himself off the road and tumbled a bit too far, bashing his shoulder into a log. He winced and drew his leg up to inspect its damage. The sniper had either been a poor shot, or a sadistic rag who liked to make men suffer. The slug had ripped through his knee cap. Nothing to do about it until he found a surgeon and then amputation would be the only answer. He dragged himself farther from the road, into the dense wood.
[This message has been edited by Stucky (edited April 13, 2008).]
quote:He crawled as best he could with the broken limb
Did he know which limb was broken?
quote:The old gravel of the road clung to the leg of his blood soaked blue jeans
It is hard for me to imaging how gravel clung to his pant leg unless he bled epoxy.
quote:He rolled himself off the road and tumbled a bit to[too] far, bashing his shoulder into a log
"He rolled himself" makes me imagine him standing over himself, rolling himself.
quote:He drug[dragged] himself farther[Further] from the road
This wasn't a strong opening to me. I did not feel what the MC felt or should be feeling. It seemed detached from his POV. The hook appears to be that he got shot be a sniper who was a poor shot, which seems redundant. Seemingly the only other speculative option I thought of was the siper might come to torture this poor fellow after watching him crawl through fire.
This is his home now, but it won't be for long? Is it because it will soon burn? is it a war? There was much left to wonder, but I wasn;t hooked.
I think this has potential. Try delving a little more into the POV character. He knows what is going on. It would help us if we knew at least some of what he knows. It seems you are luring the readers with questions. It does the opposite for me. Being straight forward is the best approach.
Hope this helps.
Welcome to F&F
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 12, 2008).]
posted
Thanks for the input... I've edited a couple type-os out. I realized that the grotesque moments are not in the first 13 lines.... so ignore that part of my request.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2008
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I think that could be a fantastic opening sentence, immediately drawing the reader into the heart of the story but you lose all of the power by not mentioning which limb is broken. Doing that keeps the reader distant from the story, stops all sense of involvement and I found I couldn't even picture the scene properly, how is he crawling? Struggling to drag himself along with only one good arm or dragging a bloody and broken leg behind him?
he beat the flames over the ridge into safety. Here I found myself wondering how far the flames were behind him and why this ridge represented safety to him...surely a ridge wouldn't stop a rampaging fire?
He rolled himself off the road and tumbled a bit too far, bashing his shoulder into a log. He winced and drew his leg up to inspect its damage. "bit" always sounds weak and there is always a stronger word you could use instead. I also found the sudden shift from banging his shoulder to inspecting his leg a little jarring, I'd either prefer a new paragraph there or at least a mention of the pain in his leg causing him to inspect the damage. You mention the broken limb and the blood but I never really get a sense of the pain he is going through.
I think you've chosen a good starting point for the story, nice and immediate. Good luck with it!
posted
("Farther" is correct here since you are referring to distance).
It's believable to me. I don't think it's grotesque. I'm not hooked, though. He got hit by a sniper. Okay, but why do I care? Lots of heroes get hit by sniper fire. If I had some sense of who he was, what he wants, then I might read on.