posted
Please see the revised first 13 in my third post. Thanks.
I never thought I'd do a vampire story....
----------------------------- You know the kind of neighborhood: we don't want a soup kitchen here. And we don't want a halfway-house for runaways, either. Somewhere else is always a better choice. With righteous indignation, I sneered at such people, until Nachtmahr Village applied for a building permit in my neighborhood.
I'm as liberal has the next guy, but I'm a little nervous about a nursing home for retiring vampires in a neighborhood with so many children . . . and so many adults.
I thought the vampires were bad enough, until I saw Nachtmahr's employment ad: veinal wet nurses, blood transformers, canine dental surgeons, toxic waste technicians, unsleep therapists, antediluvian chefs. And those are just the jobs that I thought I understood. What's a bone seer? At least the vampires are in -----------------------------
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 21, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 23, 2007).]
quote:You know the kind of neighborhood: we don't want a soup kitchen here. And we don't want a halfway-house for runaways, either.
I think I would like this opening more without the "You know the kind of neighborhood." It seems a little impersonal.
It also seems a little condescending towards the narrator's own attitude.
quote: Somewhere else is always a better choice. With righteous indignation, I sneered at such people, until Nachtmahr Village applied for a building permit in my neighborhood.
"Righteous indignation" seems a little trite, and it seems repetitive with sneered, to me.
quote:I'm as liberal has the next guy, but I'm a little nervous about a nursing home for retiring vampires in a neighborhood with so many children . . . and so many adults.
I'm not too political, but I wasn't seeing the narrator as political. He or she sounded more conservative to me.
In addition, I felt this sentence would create better flow attached to the paragraph before it.
quote:I thought the vampires were bad enough, until I saw Nachtmahr's employment ad: veinal wet nurses, blood transformers, canine dental surgeons, toxic waste technicians, unsleep therapists, antediluvian chefs. And those are just the jobs that I thought I understood. What's a bone seer? At least the vampires are in wheelchairs; it's the help I'm afraid of, now.
Of course, they want blood donors, too.
I'm a little bored by this last paragraph, I think. I like some of things listed, but I felt the list is a little long. You have six elements listed, all together, so it felt a bit heavy for me.
Also, some elements of the list weren't very clear to me. "Canine" could mean dog or werewolf. In this context, I think it means werewolf. I'm not sure what "veinal" means, and I'm confused how a wet nurse fits into a nursing home--I can see a possible connection since it is vampires, though. That's interesting, but it might be saved for later when it can be more clear. An antediluvian would be over 5,000 years old, if I get the term right. The tone of the story seems a bit light, but I felt someone that old would have better things to do than play chef. Honestly, chef and nursing home didn't go together so well in my mind.
That all aside, there were things I liked.
I don't read a lot of vampire stuff, but the idea of nursing home seems nice to me. The conflict seems to be the neighborhood not wanting this place to be built, which has potential. A lot of characters could be introduced. Perhaps it could be that the protagonist is really the antagonist? It's enough of a hook that I'd keep reading. I only would want to feel like the writing was tighter, and I had a clear image of the setting, characters and conflict very soon. If you went from here into a scene with interesting characters, I would keep reading. If I went past this to find more of the same, I'm afraid I might stop.
posted
It's a lively start. I don't normally like vampire stories but the light-hearted tone makes it more attractive to me. And there's definitely a hook with 'it's the help I'm afraid of, now.'
"You know the kind of neighborhood"
I didn't like this opening. The narrator doesn't know me and can't know what I know, I thought. Sorry, I can be a picky reader!
"I sneered at such people"
There weren't any people mentioned, I think you mean 'people with such attitudes' or perhaps 'such attitudes.'
I think the story really starts on the next line:
"I'm as liberal has the next guy,"
Are you aware that the word 'liberal' carries different connotations in England and America? In England it's not necessarily political, it can be just an attitude. In America there are people who use it as a pejorative. (Did I just noun an adjective?!)
I think it would be a nursing home for 'retired', not 'retiring' vampires. And since it wasn't there yet, I think 'At least the vampires are in wheelchairs' should be 'At least the vampires would be in wheelchairs' which would match the 'I thought' at the beginning of the para.
posted
Talespinner, yes I forgot about the 'cross-the-pond meaning. The US meaning is rather nuanced. If you say, We liberals, it means, We geniuses/you idiots. Similarly, We conservatives means, We geniuses/you idiots.
In Congress, the terms are even more nuanced. We liberals means, We geniuses/you jackbooted, slave-trading morons. We conservatives means, We geniuses/you Godless, child-hating, tree-worshipping spendthrifts. Conveniently for discourse, the terms are both nouns and adjectives. One other nuance: if you say, I'm an ultra-liberal, it means, I'm not the President.
I wasn't trying to add a political edge to it; I wanted the appearance of a retirement home to seem as-matter-of-factly as possible. But I don't think that worked; your points were well-taken.
To be fair to the other parties: We greens/libertarians/etc means We geniuses/you lost souls. It also means, I'm not in office.
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 21, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by WouldBe (edited August 21, 2007).]
posted
Ah, this would explain why I never properly understood what 'liberal' meant in America. I only heard one nuance, which I think was: You liberals means, We geniuses/you Godless, child-hating, tree-worshipping spendthrifts!
For the record, in England being 'liberal' means wearing sandles, a beard and a cardigan, sporting real or imagined intellect, and caring deeply about pretty much anything especially if it can be related to freedom. 'Liberal' with a capital 'L' means voting for our third political party.
Cheers, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited August 21, 2007).]
posted
I'm not an alarmist, but I was a little nervous when Nachtmahr Village applied for a building permit in my neighborhood. It seems just wrong to locate a nursing home for retired vampires near so many children . . . and adults.
I thought the vampires were bad enough, until I saw Nachtmahr's employment ad: veinal wet nurses, blood transformers, canine dental surgeons, toxic waste technicians, unsleep therapists and antediluvian chefs. And those were just the jobs that I thought I understood. What's a bone seer? At least the vampires would be in wheelchairs. It's the help I'm afraid of, now.
Of course, they want blood donors, too.
Vampires in wheelchairs are not like zombies. One zombie is not
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 23, 2007).]
posted
Actually, I liked the first version better. It even got a bit of a laugh on the 13th line. I was definately reading more because I liked the MC's arrogance and wanted to see him taken down several pegs by a retired vamp or the help.
You've lost a bit of the voice in the new version. The last few lines of the new version didn't do it for me. I think this is because his attitude/arrogance doesn't come through as well in the rest of the text.
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