posted
Radin knew his life was about to change when the two men dressed in clean cloths walked into the ally he had been sleeping in. Not only were they clean, but they had the look of trained soldiers to them, tough neither of them was armed save for a long knife at the waist. As they scanned the ally, Radin stood up, knowing he was too well concealed within the trash heaps and not wanting to waist time, or the opportunity. ‘You are Radin, the book merchant?’ the taller one asked, while the other pulled out of his belt pouch a short stick of clay with a tiny bird skull on one end. Radin wasn’t thinking clearly, so his mind didn’t make the connection to magic right away. ‘I was once,’ he said, and then of course, the realization hit
OK, So I want some feed back on weather or not this hooked any of you. Then I can give you the premise of the story.
Looking forward to feedback.
ok, I was hoping to critique a bit before posting my own stuff, but I'm lacking some computer time lately, and I want to get this story done.
quote:Radin knew his life was about to change when the two men dressed in clean cloths walked into the ally he had been sleeping in. Not only were they clean, but they had the look of trained soldiers to them, tough neither of them was armed save for a long knife at the waist
I assume you meant clothes. It also sounds like the clothes had a look of being soldiers, not the men.
I also think that Radin would suspect his life would change, but not know it.
quote:You are Radin, the book merchant?’ the taller one asked, while the other pulled out of his belt pouch a short stick of clay with a tiny bird skull on one end.
I'd like to see 'the taller one asked' and 'while the other pulled out of...' in seperate sentances.
quote:Radin wasn’t thinking clearly, so his mind didn’t make the connection to magic right away.
Why wasn't he thinking clearly. He was thinking clearly when he first saw the men.
I think more about Radin than the two other men would help with more of a hook.
From here: ‘You are Radin, the book merchant?’ would be a better place to start.
That will all be taken into advisement, and I will try to re-work it.
Good catch on the waist=waste too.
I also looked at the first 13 on their own, and as stories go, without the premise, it seems like just another simple magic story to me. I want to find a way of slipping some of the background into the forfront in the first 13.
posted
"Radin knew his life was about to change" is a weak beginning. It sounds like the beginning of too many stories that students turn in to creative writing teachers. A better beginning would be
"Two men wearing clean clothes walked into the alley where Radin lay. They looked like soldiers."
Then tell us why they looked like soldiers to Radin, keeping things from Radin's POV, looking up at them, even though you are writing in the third person. Does he have a clear view of them? Is he afraid of them or glad to see them or puzzled by their presence?
Someone earlier suggested less about the men. I would like to see more. I would also like to smell the alley, taste the taste in Radin's mouth, hear the traffic noises from the nearby throughfare.
"Radin wasn’t thinking clearly, so his mind didn’t make the connection to magic right away."
This doesn't work. Either Radin knows about magic, in which case he does make the connection instantly, or he doesn't know about magic, in which case he doesn't make the connection at all.
But my main advice is: use words carefully. They mean something.
posted
Radin had been living in this gutter for a few months, when the two soldiers, dressed in plain clean cloths came looking for him. At that moment he sensed his life was about to change, but he dared not hope. Almost ten years prior, he’d sacrificed his own daughter, along with everything else he loved, and now these men came, and he felt hope creeping in. Suddenly, he saw the blade in his hand again, as he forced it between her ribs; the image flashed in his mind as he thought of a new beginning, denying him any hope of redemption. I had to do it, he screamed into his own mind. ‘You are Radin, the book merchant?’ the taller soldier asked, when they got to him. The other was pulling a short clay rod
OK, a second attempt today. This one focusing more on the main character and revealing some of his past. Things become more clear as the story continues, but maybe this is a better hook.
A.
[This message has been edited by BetterThenYouKnew (edited August 21, 2007).]
posted
The first attempt was a better hook for me than the second, because in the first there was the juxtaposition of the soldiers and the magic, which was intruiging. In the second it seems he killed his daughter and that's for me not an attractive opening concept. It doesn't make me immediately sympathise with the character, rather the opposite, even though he thinks he had good reason. (Later in a story it might be ok if the conditions warrant it and after I've decided to like him enough to read his story.)
If they're dressed in plain clothes (not cloths, I guess) how does he know they're soldiers?
This sentence was troublesome, I thought:
"Suddenly, he saw the blade in his hand again, as he forced it between her ribs; the image flashed in his mind as he thought of a new beginning, denying him any hope of redemption. "
Is he thinking about his the blade or the new beginning?
If you're killing someone with a knife in the ribs, do you see the blade? Surely you're too close; I speak without the benefit of this particular experience, so I'm not an expert.
I assume it's his daughter he was killing - would he have used a knife? Surely he'd have found a less painful way? And wouldn't he look her in the eyes, if only to distract her from the knife?
And how does a new beginning deny him hope of redemption?
I think you may be trying to pack too much into too few words.
Hope this helps, Pat
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited August 21, 2007).]
Yes it helps, Pat. Everybody's words have been helping and I think at this point I'm overwhelmed with two thoughts.
first of all, everybody's taste is different, and one hook will be better for some where the other will be better for others.
Secondly, I think I'll leave both of these beginings up here for now, and wait to get some more responses before I try self editing again. That way I will hopefully have a bit of a clearer picture of what's missing and what's good.
I thank you all for taking the time. Keep the advice coming, please. I only hope I can help in return at some point.
2] How does he know the soldiers are looking for him?
3] Is it in some less-obvious way that he senses soldiers looking for him is going to change his life? Why -- with soldiers approaching -- does he feel new hope?
4] What does Radin feel about killing his daughter? You tell us that he remembers it, but not how he feels about it, or why he'd felt it was necessary. In this, I think it clutters more than hooks. I think the actual hook is in why two (plain-clothed) soldiers would be hunting the gutters for a long-retired book merchant.
5] Why would seeing the two soldiers make him remember that atrocious act in the first place?
6] What's the significance of him being a book merchant?
7] "Cloths" is actually "clothes".
8] I'm totally thrown by:
quote: the image flashed in his mind as he thought of a new beginning, denying him any hope of redemption.
9] As it sits, there is nothing to show any magic involved in version 2.0.
If you clean this up a bit, solidify the hook and why you're bringing us in at this point, it will have sold me enough to read on. I'm interested in a book dealer that is wanted by the army, but I want to know why. Is he a leading researcher of some arcane magic? Did he steal someone's spellbook and resell it? I don't need to know about his daughter, unless it's relevant to what is happening. But, if you do introduce it, don't do it for the purpose of shocking us (it violates PoV. If he already knew it all along, it wouldn't serve as a shock to him, unless he's had his memory wiped or stolen.) I do need the question of era (future, past, alternate dimension, alien planet) cleared up, too.
posted
OK, here is a third attempt, trying to incorporate some more logic, magic, timeframe while not violating POV, and at the same time, adding to the hook:
Radin woke to the sound of his name. Two men, soldiers by their demeanor if not their plain, clean cloths, were shaking awake the other beggars in the trash and feces strewn ally, looking for him. His mind reeled. Why would they be after him, after so many years? He’d left humanity behind after sacrificing his daughter, and his fortune to save her life. He’d abandoned books, his only other passion and trade, to try and atone for the magical rite he’d conducted on her. Nobody else was even supposed to know he, or she was alive; he’d killed to eliminate all traces of the act, and returned all the artifacts. The Box! The thought made him bolt upright and run, startling the soldiers enough that he managed to brush past one before
This I think this is already a great improvement on what I started with this morning. I hope some if not all of you will agree. And still, I would love to recieve more advice and thoughts.
posted
BTYK, respectfully, if it's a work in progress, why not finish it? Then, what you've written over the course of 5000 or 10000 or 130000 words will influence the direction you want to take on the first 13 lines. You may even decide to start in a different place.
You can ask everyone for all the advice you can get, but that would be a waste of time if you end up throwing these 13 lines out and starting at a different point, or discovering that you have to plant one crucial detail that can be discovered later, or whatever.
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