posted
This actually started as an assignment for one of my high school English classes, but I kinda liked where it was going, so I added to it, and now it's about a 4 page long short story. Let me know what you think...
There is a saying among the native islanders of Elnd that claims "He has the right to criticize, who has first overcome himself," and this is so. For who would know this truth better than the islanders themselves? It is they who have been tested – they who understand; it is they who have seen the Inner Place. --- Fear is the true mind-killer. Nothing is to be feared, but only understood. Seek to understand. His father's wise sayings kept coming back to him as Kyan tried to force down the waves of unsettling thoughts that kept filling his mind. He tried to concentrate on what the Reidan was saying, but he could not pull his eyes from the Door. There will be pain. The Inner Place awaited. There was nothing immediately frightening about the Door – it consisted of nothing more than a simple
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 03, 2007).]
quote:"He has the right to criticize, who has first overcome himself,"
Why invert the grammar? Better: "He who has overcome himself, may criticise others" or smth, because the phrase isn't as clear as it should.
quote:Fear is the true mind-killer.
This is very Dune-ish. Even if there isn't a copyright problem (which I don't think there is), fans of Dune are going to recognize this phrase. Think of something else.
The rest is interesting but I think it'd help if you'd give us more setting details. It feels as if you're with-holding info. If he's going to be tested, say it up front. After all, you imply it in so many ways. Why not just start with: "The day of Kyan's testing, he stood in front of the non-descript door remembering his father's sayings..." Ok, crappy rewrite (and sorry for rewriting BTW) but something along those lines might help clarify this beginning.
Otherwise: interesting idea and I think you've chosen a good place to start your story.
posted
Agree with the previous post. I'd like to understand more about Kyan's setting. Is he in a classroom of some type? Is the Reidan an instructor? Add a bit more sensory description.
I will say that I was intrigued and wanted to read further about what's going to happen beyond that door...BTW, where is it in relation to where Kyan is?
I think with just these few tweaks, you've got a pretty good opening.
posted
Not without interest, and I'd read on, but I have to echo the point about "Fear is the true mind-killer". That HAS to go or millions of people will assume youre writing de facto Dune fan-fic.
I'm also not convinced about "Elnd" - there are very few languages where that particular set of letters could work, and be pronounced without at least a default schwa-style vowel wandering in.
But there's just enough to intrigue, here - the Door, his clear fears about it - that I would conitinue, for the moment.
posted
In paragraph 2, where your story starts -- I say start with the situation (the Door) and then give us the thoughts about it. We can't share the thoughts until we know what he's having those thoughts _about_.
There's a cost to starting with paragraph 1 and then changing the subject. It may be worth it.
I'm on the fence as to whether I would keep reading. The difficulties I cited made it hard to follow, so no. But once I *got* to the Door, I was interested. "He may criticize others, who has overcome himself" also interested me -- I want to see how it works in.
haha, I laughed when I saw your comments about the Dune thing -- I was kinda in a hurry when I first wrote the story, and that's the idea I wanted to capture, but I didn't have time to come up with a new saying, so I just used that one to get the assignment done on time. lol. I will DEFFINITELY take that out. :-)
As to where the Door is, that's actually the very next sentence after I left off there. And alot of the other background stuff (what the Door is, who the Reiban is, etc) is revealed in the next 3 or 4 sentences, actually -- what I posted is about only half of the "first" paragraph (not including the intro bit)...
Anyway, I really appreciate the feedback. :-) Thanks again!
posted
You wrote "Fear is the mind-killer" in a story for English class?
Nothing against Herbert, but this sentiment has been expressed so much more eloquently in so many different traditions that the only possible reason for anyone to quote it, ever, is in reference to Dune.
On another note, you need to pay attention to how scene elements affect the POV. For instance, these "wise sayings" probably don't come back to Kyan on their own, he would be the one bringing them to mind as a way of combating his anxiety. You don't make this clear, it's easy to think that "Fear is the true mind-killer" is one of the unsettling thoughts that invade his mind against his will. Or your description of "the Door" as not being immediately frightening. But, immediately, it is frightening to your POV. Kyan would have to force his recognition that "the Door" doesn't really look all that terrifying. But there's no sense of that in the text. "I'm scared, probably by my dad's sayings about how scary fear is, but whatever's scaring me, it certainly isn't this plain looking door, even if it is capitalized."
posted
I like how quickly you jump to the subject of suspense.
But, even apart from the "Fear is the mind-killer" statement, this is WAY too overtly Dune-ish. It jumped right out and bit me. And I've only read the first book in the series.
You can go on and use all of the ideas you've come up with here, but you'll have to find a way to tress them up and make them original.
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