posted
Here is another attempt at starting my novel. I know I just posted another first thirteen, but that was a short I was planning on working on during this novel (it just sort of finished itself). I want to know two things, a) does this seem like a good starting place, and b) does it actually work.
The novel is a fantasy-lite story that take place in a world with similar rules but different history. So far I've been telling the story sort of as a biography.
Thanks, Jon
Here goes:
Michael DeLeah tended to be a skittish boy. Some would say that this was due to the abuse that he suffered at the hands of his master, Liam Warren. However, later in his life Michael was heard to say, “Liam never needed to abuse me, the world can do that well enough on its own. All he had to do was neglect me.” Michael learned soon after his sixteenth birthday that this was unequivocally true. For thirteen years Liam Warren had made it his life’s calling to systematically neglect Michael in such a way that Michael would learn to fend for himself as few men ever learn to do. As a result he would be faster, hardier, and more decisively violent than any of the warriors who were brought up in a more ‘conventional’ manner.
While Warren failed at his objective, some say that in the end he created something far better. His failure is usually attributed to his decision to take on a second apprentice. Many of us know this man to be the infamous Ishmael Frayne.
posted
I like the premis, but unfortunatly I'm not too pleased with the POV. Biography is an interesting idea, but it distances me from the character and the world he lives in--especially in a fantasy.
Also by the time you hinted that he was a warrior it threw me off. This is an important fact and it's kind of just brushed over. I don't know, but it just seems strange when I read it. Maybe that's just the POV also.
Just a side note: when he says, “Liam never needed to abuse me, the world can do that well enough on its own. All he had to do was neglect me.” Abuse seems the wrong word. Kind of modern--unless this fantasy takes place more presant day style than past.
Like: "Liam never needed to beat me, the world can do that well enough on its own. It was the silence. The neglect. It stole more from me than his fist ever could."
Something like that. You get the idea.
This sounds like a good character. I'd be interested to read more.
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Would you now? After I finish writing the first chapter (probably around 2000 words) would you be willing to do a quick read through and tell me if you think the voice/pov is workable or if I should totally scrap it all together? Feel free to say no.
posted
I'm not sure the suggested changes maintain the sense of humor in the original.
"Abuse" is hardly a modern word, though you can replace it easily enough with "mistreat" if there's a serious objection.
Of course, I'm assuming that the story is supposed to be a bit funny, the juxtaposition of biography with fantasy and the general tone indicated that to me. If this isn't going to be somewhat lighter in tone (it can be a bit dry rather than side splitting, I mean), then your narrative voice definitely needs to be rethought.
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