She ran a hand through her sweat-soaked hair and grimaced. “Grace, if you’ll just give me a minute to explain…” The voice at the other end of the speaker box cut through her words with ear-piercing quality. “Explain what? Explain why you didn’t arrive two weeks ago when I expected you? Explain why you’re using a public booth instead of your own implant – that I paid for – like some deviant skulking around? You don’t even have the vision on! I’ve been worried sick about you and the children.” Worried sick about her own appearance, more like it. She suppressed a sigh. “Grace, I’ll be there.” “I was just telling Charles the other day that we were going to have to call the Squad if you didn’t contact me soon. I thought something dreadful had happened!”
posted
This is sort of plunging into the story a bit fast for me.
I'm getting a very good (if not too flattering) picture of Grace, but no image at all about you POV character. She doesn't even have a name, which is odd when the other characters do.
IMO You need to introduce your POV character first. Give her a sense of identity because at the moment she's swamped by Grace's dialogue.
posted
Yeah, don't kick off with an unreferenced pronoun.
Also, you do seem to be hurrying into the story too fast. We don't even get the start of this conversation...maybe you could begin when "she" enters this public booth, get a feel for the location and her reasons for calling Grace before we're forced to listen to her (Grace, not unreferenced pronoun character woman ).
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