posted
OK, so here it is: my first post! Most likely, I should try to stick my toe in the water to feel the temperature and look around for sharks before I dive, but that just wouldn't be me. Here am I, then, ready to perform the best cannonball ever. Up to you to decide whether it is successful or whether I slip on the wet dock and crack my head open.
A few words of explanation: I have already wroteded (don't you hate trying to figure out which past tense version of that word to use? Me too, so I've come up with my own universal past tense form of "to write") about 28 pages. The story is one that members of the LDS Church will recognize as the story of Alma (with a few made up characters) from the Book of Mormon, and hopefully it is one that even those who are not LDS will be able to appreciate the complexity of character and universality of theme.
I play a dangerous game here, though, in introducing Anirimna, who, at this stage in my story planning, will not be a major character. But I do so with my eyes wide open. My goal is to create in the reader's mind an impression of Alma that is not favorable before we actually meet him, and are forced to make up our own minds.
Yes, I read Character and Viewpoint, and I know that this will not be easy, but life is no fun if it is easy.
So without further ado, here is my first first 13; here is my head on the block; here is the axe. Please either chop or pardon.
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Anirimna awoke with a start, his head pounding. He resisted opening his eyes and turned onto his side. It couldn’t have been long since he had fallen asleep, and reality was much too hostile next to the peace of sleep. His hand bumped something cold and hard. The plates. Why were they next to him? Oh, Alma. He pushed them aside. “What time is it?” Had he spoken that aloud? No matter, nobody would be in the room with him.
A voice spoke. “You have only been asleep for a few minutes.”
Was this a dream? No, she really had responded.
He forced his eyes open, squinting against the bright afternoon light that flooded into the room from the window above him. He wished that he could feel as bright and happy. Maybe he going outside to bathe in the brilliant light would bring some measure of happiness to him. The breeze would feel good against his sweaty skin. Anirimna wiped at his eyes, forcing himself to focus. He looked around to find her. Walls, door, there she was, standing haloed by the light.
She wasn’t moving. She just stood with her hands behind her back and her brow furrowed. Probably reminiscing again.
posted
Beginning with a character waking up is a little cliche. That doesn't mean you should never begin with a character waking up, just that you should have a good reason for choosing that as a starting point.
quote:A voice spoke. “You have only been asleep for a few minutes.”
If he knows who the voice belongs to, then to him it is not a voice, it is Sarah's voice (or whatever her name is.)
Which brings us to her. If he knows her name, then give it to us.
quote:The plates. Why were they next to him? Oh, Alma. He pushed them aside.
"Oh, Alma," is not an explanation of why the plates were next to him. Even if that's all he consciously thinks, the only way it becomes a valid explanation is if you include the subconscious thoughts that go with it. "Oh, Alma must have left the plates for safekeeping while he went out hunting" or something like that. Posts: 1517 | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Beginning with a character waking up is a cliche...but not in this case. It seems obvious already that the waking here is unusual, that something out of the ordinary roused him when he had only been asleep for a few minutes, and thus we begin in a perfectly good spot -- with action. In fact, I would not have mentioned it if Eric had not brought it up.
Aside from that, I pretty much agree with what Eric already said. I have a sense, from your explanation, that there is some religious significance here that maybe we would understand if we had read that particular tale. But I haven't, and you probalby should right is as if we had not. I did not even understand whether Alma was the name of the woman in the room or not. I also did not understand anything about the plates...are we talking about dirty dinner dishes or some other kind of plate? And I did not understand if being alone in the room was a usual thing, a new thing (ie his wife had just died) or something else. These are questions that require oontext up front.
Other than that, you've got an easy style and I wish you luck on this piece. Welcome to the site, sit down and make youseelf comfy. Take a look at some of the other stories and bestow your wisdom upon us. We can always use a fresh perspective.
posted
Let me expand a bit on what I said about beginning with a character waking up. As Christine pointed out, the waking up is due to something out of the ordinary, which makes it less of a cliche.
But what I was really getting at (and I should have been more clear about this) is that I wonder whether you have chosen the right point to begin this story. You may have, but there are some warning signs.
If what woke Anirimna was the beginning of the unusual events, then this probably is right about where you want to start. But I got the impression that the chain of events for this story started happening before he went to sleep.
There's a fairly easy way to check whether my impression is on target. If at any point you have a flashback to the events that ocurred just before he went to sleep, then you're probably starting in the wrong place: you should almost certainly start with those events.
posted
I agree with Eric. <ironic grin> The 'waking up' was an instant turn-off for me, and im usualy a pretty forgiving reader.
Im sure en editor whose reading through hundreds of submissions would be turned off even faster. Trust me, I've judged compositions before for publication.
It's a very tiring procces and your writing needs to really stand out so it isn't tossed. "Anirimna awoke with a start, his head pounding" Is begging for the no pile.
Another thought is that while reading, I was curios about the plates. But you never describe them? Are they dinner plates? Plating for a ship? Plates of metal with words written on them?
I'm with Eric. If you have a flashback, then waking is the wrong place to start the story.
I only start with a character waking up when that is the way he enters the first important scene. It is a natural place to start, most of us wake up at least once a day, and we enter the first scene of our day with that action. Just like walking into a bar (okay, I'm not sure I've ever actually done that, but some people do it pretty much every day) or into work/class/other, it is a natural way to start a story.
Which is why you have to be so careful to only use it when it really is where the story begins.
Likewise on the name of this personage who calls him from slumber. Name, right up front. If he doesn't know the name, use a unique mental identifier.
"Anirimna" skirts perilously close to being pentasyllabic, the touch of death for a POV character's name. Right now it is merely the touch of stumble over it and wonder why on Earth the author would give his character such an unusual name.
People may disagree with this, but Anirimna doesn't sound terribly Book of Mormony, either. Hmmm...Amnirimna, Antirimna, Ammorimna...nothing sounds good with so many syllables. Lose one or two.
And the reference to plates...neither Alma was entrusted with any plates until much later in life, as I read things. You might want to check on that.
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