posted
This is the opening of a light-hearted adventure(ish) short story in a fantasy setting. The full work is around 5700 words and I would appreciate it if anybody could take a look at the whole thing. Thanks.
quote:A year had passed since the Ale Wars in which Bunge and Silk had single-handedly, along with a few friends and a betrothed goblin who’d had a few problems on his stag night, prevented the impending worldwide catastrophe of an alcohol famine. Oh, and they had also prevented the evil, mad warlock and arch-nemesis of Silk, Slinky, from taking over the world. Unfortunately, they had been forced to kill Slinky in order to do this and after a year spent without one, Silk was beginning to miss the fun of having an evil arch-nemesis around plotting his demise.
“It’s not that he was constantly trying to kill me all the time,” he had explained to Bunge one drunken evening. “It’s the knowing that he was there and trying to think of ways to kill me that I miss.”
posted
I think it seems like its trying a little too hard to be funny. The first line of dialouge feels like something from a Saturday Night Live skit. Try to be...less subtle, I guess.
Read some Terry Pratchet if your looking for very good and inspiring fantasy humor.
posted
It's also a way over-explicated opening. If the narrator is supposed to be funny, he has to be clever. Dullard narrators aren't really funny (at least, not in the page turning sense), they're merely dull. The characters can be dull as long as the narrator is sharp or the situation inherently comic.
But I think that this would be simply improved by using Silk's POV, he seems like a sharp enough fellow that even his drunken musings should be rather better fare.
I could read it, I suppose. If you really meant that you would appreciate anybody....
posted
One minor nit: the names of Silk and Slinky are too close phonetically, especially so near the beginning of the story; I kept confusing them.
Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Dammit, I meant to type anybody except Survivor. Ah well, I suppose I'd best send it along now since you asked so nicely.
Copy on its way to you too, Gen.
Thanks for the advice so far. Silver6, Slinky is supposed to resemble Silk because he is his evil twin brother. He doesn't appear anywhere else in the story though because he's dead so hopefully it won't matter. Now when I introduce Silk's other evil twin in a later story however. . . .
[This message has been edited by Gwalchmai (edited April 30, 2004).]
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