Current Version:

The counterdemons had mastered the sacred art of decapitation. Bearing totem poles of severed heads, Angekok, Cephalomancer, Weremessiah, Carnifex, Executioner, Thuggee, Headhuntress, and the Decapitron converged upon the Plateaus of Cisluna. From all eight ends of the world they came, like the arrows of a compass shriveling and rising and transforming into the legs of a black widow, or the severed limbs of Anansi the Spider God being summoned back to the mutilated torso of their master, or the spokes of a dharma wheel collapsing inwards upon themselves and forming a black hole, or an eightfold path made labyrinth reversing directions and leading straight down into antinirvana. Beneath the etiolated moon they reformed their cabal, staking their gruesome staffs

As in the adventures of Chariah, you sure know how to stuff a scene with passionate description. I think a little action needs to leaven the prose. As a reader, I would just skim most of that and look for something to happen. Put somebody in the scene to breakup all the geographical references and sensory overload.

For example, if a priest, or better yet a victim is there, he might not be aware of the West Pole pulling him into place. I especially like the West Pole.

A little fear in the front, would set your story up nicely.

Owasm.

Revision One:

The eight counterdemons had mastered the sacred art of decapitation, and from all eight points of the compass they now converged, bearing eight severed heads apiece, upon the hidden and cabalistic Plateaus of Chipophis. The counterdemons were versed in the Yama-yana and the Necro-sutras alike, and, having completed the quests detailed within those eldritch tomes, Angekok, Cephalomancer, Weremessiah, Carnifex, Executioner, Thuggee, Headhuntress, and the Decapitron reconvened at the black and cratered badlands of Earth's nexus to perform their abominable, moonlit ritual. The Plateaus of Chipophis lay at the exact convergence of equator and meridian, and were equidistant not only from the North and South Poles, but the twin netherabysses of the West and East Poles as well, those

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 12, 2009).]

Versed in the eldritch and forbidden tomes of the Yama-yana and the Necro-sutras, the Counterdemons had mastered the sacred art of decapitation. Their individual headhunting quests now complete, the eight Counterdemons converged, from all eight points of the compass and bearing eight severed heads apiece, upon the Plateaus of Chipophis. Beneath the midnight skies Angekok, Cephalomancer, Weremessiah, Carnifex, Executioner, Thuggee, Headhuntress, and the Decapitron reformed their cabal. Upon the black and cratered badlands they began arranging the severed heads in a spiral pattern. As they prepared their moonlit ritual, the Counterdemons could feel the magnetic, gravitational, and psychometric forces of the Earth pulling their flesh and souls in four different directions at once, for

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 12, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 12, 2009).]

The action gives your opening the sense of anticipation your very first try lacked.

I've gone ahead and tried a rearrangement of the sentence structures, and this is what I've come up with for Version Four:

The eight Counterdemons had mastered the sacred art of decapitation, and from all eight points of the compass they converged, bearing eight severed heads apiece, upon the Plateaus of Chipophis. The Counterdemons were versed in the Yama-yana and the Necro-sutras alike, and, having completed the quests detailed within those eldritch and forbidden tomes, Angekok, Cephalomancer, Weremessiah, Carnifex, Executioner, Thuggee, Headhuntress, and the Decapitron now reconvened beneath the midnight skies to perform their moonlit ritual. As they arranged the sixty-four heads in a spiral pattern upon the black and cratered badlands, they could feel the magnetic, gravitational, and psychometric forces of the Earth's energy fields pulling their flesh and souls in four directions at

Best regards,

Brant

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 12, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited March 12, 2009).]

The style is unmistakeably yours, which admittedly isn't to my taste, so I won't make comment on it in any length. If flows well in the voice you use.

Decapitron In my defense, he is a robot, and I do love the Transformers, and I do like to give my characters comic book/cartoon sounding names. I don't know; maybe I'm missing something. I went ahead and changed his name to Decapitator, although I would like some further opinions on the name Decapitron, if anyone were so inclined

Latest revision now reads:

The eight Counterdemons had mastered the sacred art of decapitation, and from all eight points of the compass they converged, bearing eight severed heads apiece, upon the Plateaus of Chipophis. The Counterdemons were versed in the Yama-yana and the Necro-sutras alike, and, having completed the quests detailed within those eldritch and forbidden tomes, Angekok, Cephalomancer, Weremessiah, Carnifex, Executioner, Thuggee, Headhuntress, and Decapitator now reconvened beneath the midnight skies to summon the Cislunar Serpent. As they arranged the sixty-four heads in a spiral pattern upon the black and cratered badlands, the magnetic, gravitational, and psychometric forces of Earth's energy fields pulled their flesh and souls in four directions at once, for the Plateaus of

Best regards,

Brant

(That's a tribute to Masters of the Universe... a joke, a joke)

You're making progress Brant.

He always was "the" Decapitron! Read the original post, it's in there!

Thanks, guys. Best regards,

Brant

The counterdemons had mastered the sacred art of decapitation. Bearing totem poles of severed heads, Angekok, Cephalomancer, Weremessiah, Carnifex, Executioner, Thuggee, Headhuntress, and the Decapitron converged upon the Plateaus of Cisluna. From all eight ends of the world they came, like the arrows of a compass shriveling and rising and transforming into the legs of a black widow, or the severed limbs of Anansi the Spider God being summoned back to the mutilated torso of their master, or the spokes of a dharma wheel collapsing inwards upon themselves and forming a black hole, or an eightfold path made labyrinth reversing directions and leading straight down into antinirvana. Beneath the etiolated moon they reformed their cabal, staking their gruesome staffs

I need to know specifically if the first two sentences in this latest version are too short and/or choppy and if they seem somehow...abbreviated or incomplete. All other comments and feedback will be appreciated, as well. Best regards,

Brant