posted
I am in the process of changing this from third person to first person. It's as close as I come to writing science fiction but in my mind it's fantasy. It currently stands at 6200 words and I was hoping to find somebody willing to critique the entire story. For those unintersted in critiquing the whole thing is this beginning interesting enough to keep you reading. Thanks for any help.
The mountain of fresh turned earth, stands in the background of the photograph, a silent sentinel guarding the secrets of my past.
Where was this picture taken? Why can’t I remember it?
It is me, standing there waving at whoever took the picture. That much the mirror tells me.
I look at the man in the photograph. He stares back at me, his olive drab uniform, and piercing dark brown eyes staring out from under an olive drab cap, familiar yet somehow still unknown.
My hands clasp tightly around the black metal of a weapon. Beyond knowing that it is a weapon, memory fails me. I cannot identify the type or remember how it’s used. Dwelling on the weapon gives me a headache.
posted
Hum..One nitpick: be careful about 1st person and present tense. Lots of people don't like it.
It doesn't quite work for me. I don't much care for your narrator, and it's probably because I don't know why he is staring at that photograph right now. How did he discover it? How long has he been amnesiac? Give me something to hang on him.
You might want to start a little earlier than that.
And it's "freshly turned earth", not "fresh turned earth".
posted
I'm with Silver3 on first person present tense. I can take some of it, but I want there to be a good reason.
I'm not gripped because I don't know what MC *does* know. Does he know he was a soldier? Is there some place where he might have been in this picture -- that is, does he remember being in a war? Where is he now?
posted
If you can leave it with me for a couple of days I'll read the whole story. Send it. The peice you start with is OK, I'm assuming the reader will find out more about the MC very soon? Suggestion: Someone else in the room trying to jog his memory with the photo? I look forward to reading it! Best Wishes John Mc...
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think the problem that I have with what you've given us is that you could probably have said the same thing in only a few sentences and had a much cleaner and more gripping beginning.
Here's what I would do: Condense these thirteen lines into a single paragraph. In your first sentence describe the photograph including the uniform and weapon and the hand waving at the camera. Then reveal that the MC doesn't know when or where it was taken. Then put in a sentence suggesting that it is odd that the MC doesn't know or that it gives him a funny sensation to look at it. And then finally reveal the fact that the person in the photo is the MC.
What this will do is give all the same facts but then end the paragraph on a strong note of surprise.
posted
Question: How can he wave at the person taking the picture while clasping the weapon in his hands (plural)? Or is he holding the weapon while looking at the picture?
I liked the writing, and it made me want to read more. Send it to me if you wish.
[This message has been edited by thayerds (edited March 16, 2006).]
posted
Personally, I dont much enjoy that type of writing. Its A good story, but it doesnt make much sense to me.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
"My hands clasp tightly..." Don't you think you could use something more like; "The grip on" or "My hands tightly clasp" or something that would sound more appealing.
Isn't the character looking at a picture of him/herself? How wouldn't they know who they're looking at? That part is pretty confuzing, and you want to keep the readers focused on the more important facts instead of them trying to figure out what you mean in less important parts through-out the story. Come to ask, is there a reason s/he looks at this picture? Does this tie in with the rest of the story? Would you mind maybe telling us a little more about the main point in this story so we could help you make it even more appealing?
posted
Oh, and also, "the olive drab" kinda gets a little repetitive, and boring. If you still want to imply that, try taking a different approach at that.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2006
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
