Looking for comments and critiques for the whole piece on this final post for this story.

JB Skaggs

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Julie Wells sat in the offices of Sunny Companions holding a sales flyer. She looked out a broad window overlooking a playground were dogs, puppies, and children frolicked. She imagined watching her own son playing with those kids. Her little Bobby, dead now these eight months. He should have been out there. He should have been playing on the slides-.

“Mrs. Wells?” A thin, well dressed, dark-haired woman entered the office.

Julie rose from her chair and extended her hand. “Yes I’m Julie Wells.”

The other woman took it. “Please have a seat. I am Margie Burns.”

Julie sat back down in the visitor chair, as Margie sat behind her desk. Margie opened up a manila folder on her desk. She smiled and folded her hands together.

“So tell me Mrs. Wells, what brings you here.”

I think one of your sentences is a bit wrong though. I think you need to replace the word 'where' with 'were' when you're talking about dogs and children frolicking in the playground. Sorry, I should have copied the text before doing a reply so I could let you know exactly where I mean. It took me a few tries to read that sentence & it's just because of a minor error.

Now, let me get nitpicky to see if we can turn this pretty doggone good opening into a GREAT opening.

"Julie Wells sat in the offices of Sunny Companions holding a sales flyer."

What did the sales flyer say? I find myself wanting to know this right away, both because it is in character and because it is crutial to the story, as I can see from a little ways down.

"She looked out a broad window overlooking a playground were dogs, puppies, and children frolicked."

dogs and puppies seemed repetitive.

"She imagined watching her own son playing with those kids. Her little Bobby, dead now these eight months. He should have been out there. He should have been playing on the slides-."

very nice

"“Mrs. Wells?” A thin, well dressed, dark-haired woman entered the office."

whew...I feel an onslaught of adjectives! I suggest picking the most important feature or two.

"The other woman took it. “Please have a seat. I am Margie Burns.”"

This confused me. At this poitn I imagined that Julie was in her own office and someone had come in to see her, I don't know why. I think it went back to the first line..."offices." Maybe if you described her in a waiting room or something this would all be a lot clearer.

"“Well I am little embarrassed, but I read your flyer and…and though my friends say it’s a scam. I want to see for myself if what you said is true.”"

benskia: If you hit reply and scroll down, you will see that the entire thread appears in its own window at the bottom. This way, you can find anything you want to quote and comment on in the future.

Beth: I had no problem with your short critique. Especially in an ongoing series of attempts, sometimes the answer simply is something like, "This is better, put some polish on it." If you go into too much detail on something like that you can often find yourself rewriting the psasage rather than critiquing, and that is truly unacceptable.

wbriggs: I kind of agree with you about that first sentence. After reading it again and looking at my own thoughts, I wonder if simply not mentioning the flyer would keep me from needing to know its contents right away. Then the dead child becomes the hook, the motivation, and the product that Sunny Corporations is selling can come later. I think we do still need to know where she is, though, when she looks out at the playground.

Along with that, though, comes the question of implicit promise. If this story is about a grieving mother trying to find some way through her son's death, then the second paragraph is the right start. On the other hand, if that is simply a motivating factor and this story is about whatever she's about to buy into that might be a scam, then that paragraph needs to come a little later as I first suggested and we need to see the flyer. I imagine whatever's on it will be a pretty good hook too.

What kind of story is it?
The flyer could say a lot of intriguing things for all i know at the moment....

'Half price sale on robot children'
'Bring your missed love ones back to life'
'Ouija siance - Guaranteed results'

The last one could open up some really interesting character traits. Superstition, believer in the occult etc etc

---------- Spoiler alert------------
this story is about a woman who adopts or buys a were-dog puppy. But no one tells her it can turn into a boy. And the were-dog keeps it's secret from her. So the story is about her thinking she is being haunted by her dead son when in reality it's the little puppy just trying to love her with out being rejected for being a monster. It's more of a family love story.
-------------------------------------------

So basically the flyer would be needed to written in such a way that it would actually hook a grieving woman into spending a $100,000 on a puppy.

Would you like to read the whole thing?

I personally have seen Dobermans that sold for 70,000.00 and I have seen a cat (a jaguarundi) go for 35,000.

Ok, let me take a step back. WHO are these people who spend more than my yearly salary on animals?

There's your clue. Is what's-her-name rich? Is she independently wealthy and eccentric? If you characterize her well enough we may just buy it, but it's got to be more than mourning. She has to ahve the money (and I mean a lot of money) and be characterized as the type of person who would make an impulse buy. From that viewpoing, you don't want her talking about her friends telling her it's a scam. She's the kind of person who, on a whim, would buy a time share she'll never use, a private jet because she can, and a dog that costs 100 Gs because a flyer told them these puppies were taylored to each owner's needs and could cure any ills.

On a side note: farm animals are different, I think, since they are bought and sold for profit motives. The economy of a farm animal is going to be significantly different from that of a house pet.

Also, I can see a jaguarundi going for 35k; they aren't really traditional house cats per se. The only one I've ever seen was at the Memphis zoo and it's a different species in the same family.

Dont tell me you live near Memphis? And that maybe you have a writer's group meeting for BBQ and discussion every thursday?

Stylistically, you might be able to remove your fourth sentence (“Her little Bobby…”) without affecting the content or tone. Also, the word “frolicked” often has a humorous connotation; you might consider an alternate adjective.

If you're looking for ideas for the flyer how about:

Sunny Companions

Pet Therapy has been used for years to help treat depression and grief; and to treat developmental disorders such as autism.

But what if you could design a pet to perfectly fit your life?

At Sunny Companions we strive to bring you the very best Pet Therapy has to offer. All our pets are pure bred animals and are genetically engineered to fill your specific needs.

Call today to book your free consultation.
1-888-555-1234

Yes Ta. This could easily lead into a series, or a bbook like Mars Chronicles.

quote:

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Julie Wells sat in the offices of Sunny Companions holding a sales flyer. She looked out a broad window overlooking a playground were dogs, puppies, and children frolicked. She imagined watching her own son playing with those kids. Her little Bobby, dead now these eight months. He should have been out there. He should have been playing on the slides-.

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I don't know if you need any of this, just having a dead son isn't enough to garner sympathy or interest, unless he died as a result of one of her actions: "She imagined watching her son playing with those kids. Her little Bobby. Eight months had passed since Julie killed him. He should have been out there. He should have been playing on the slides."

Then you don't have to touch, just leave it hanging over the story as Julie goes through the interview. Otherwise, since Bobby's death isn't related to a decision of hers, the entire paragraph is limp.

The rest is interesting and clear.

The one question *I* would have is, given all the "assumed conventional wisdom" about were-animals, it goes against the norm to actually WANT one around. I would only hope you answer that question in your story... ie, this particular were-puppy doesn't grow up to have fangs and chase you around during the full of the moon to turn you into a miserable undead were-wolf once a month. I can't imagine paying $100k for THAT privilege.

And regarding our poor dead child... sometimes saying "He's been gone for the past eight months" is a more typical way to refer to a dead person... although there is always the confusion that needs to be resolved on behalf of the reader. Did he die? Was he kidnapped? Did he get lost?