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Soulrage

The sky wore its gray mask of clouds like a snow-laden death shroud, as if the coming tempest would spell doom for the very thing that carried it. Flurries fell from the ominous veil, heralding the arrival of a storm that would soon bury the entire valley and its only vestige of civilization in deep snow. Frigid gusts of wind howled as they tore through the streets of Athengale. Freezing rain had fallen on the town earlier that morning, coating the cobblestones in a treacherous layer of ice. The few that still dared to negotiate the narrow alleys and broader thoroughfares were hunched over against the wind. The incessant, biting breeze seemed to enjoy its task of hurrying and harrying the townsfolk as they went about their business, though one would have to be daft to linger out-of-doors on a day such as this.

Jax Vanhatalo smiled, considering what that made him. A rare, yet not unpleasant grin graced his rugged face as one particularly eloquent citizen cursed the existence of cobblestones, ice , and weather in general. Some would probably question his idea of volubility, though such opinions were far down on his list of priorities. Unless those thoughts involved the prospect of his untimely death, of course. His grin abruptly fell prey to a much darker look. Such murderous intentions were becoming more and more common these days. His sword had seen more use in the past year than all the brutal campaigns of the Far War combined, if such a thing were possible.
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The valley's "only vestige of civilization" has a strange implication, though I got that it referred to Athengale (funny name, given the context--it sort of scans like athelgale). I suppose that it makes sense if you mean that Athengale is a dwindling outpost of civilization, but the rest of the text doesn't offer enough support to that idea and it should, since we are in the streets of the place during the second paragraph.

That citizen's "idea of volubility" might make sense if he were expressing some opinion about volubility or saying that something was voluble (where others might choose a different adjective). But it seems that you're referring simply to his volubility after all, not his idea of the thing. Or maybe "his" has become an improperly referenced pronoun, and refers to Jax rather than the voluble citizen. This problem seems definite in the remainder of the paragraph, though I assume that by the end "his" refers to Jax, that is an assumption not supported by any specific element of the text.

But really, I have a bit more of a problem with the way POV use is utterly ignored as a possible means of telling the story. You don't have a real narrator either.

In regards to the issue of Athengale being a "vestige of civilization," your interpretation was correct, Survivor. Although I failed to clarify its nature in what was supposed to be the introductory paragraph, it seems as though the point came across. I wonder if this second version of the intro is more informatory than the first (hopefully without conveying too much info right up front). I really want to maintain a strict hold on how much information I feed the reader throughout the tale. Not to the degree that it would become frustrating, but to the degree that one would want to know "what happens next?" after each scene's conclusion.

The "volubility" issue was, again, an error on my part that I failed to catch in my first read-through. I hate missing stuff like that before posting here, though I suppose it's better to goof up where I can actually correct the mistake than in a less forgiving atmosphere. The second version's heightened sense of urgency eliminated the need for Jax's attempt at wry humor, and therefore the reference to the potential eloquence of "soldier's talk" (as Terry Goodkind calls it) as a mildly comedic undertone. I left a bit of such humor in at the end (which happens to be in the 15th or 16th line, and therefore no longer an issue), though it is more an observation than a story element.

Your problem with the lack of a clearly defined and utilized POV may diminish with this alternate intro, Survivor...though I may have botched it here, too.

Your attention to the fact that a narrative voice was almost nonexistent is less of an issue with version II, as I utilized Jax as the viewpoint character. I had initially considered using another character as the narrative element, even though Jax was to remain the protagonist. I suppose this variation changes that, but I'm not sure I liked the way the first turned out, anyway.

And about a flying wraith...nothing so theatrical, though there is a bit of interesting combat in the scene(s) to follow. I sincerely hope I am not "doing it wrong now," as I am quite happy with the way this story looks, overall. It has some twists, and more originality than I can usually conjure. I hope I don't royally screw the pooch on this one, though I could always start over with a clean slate if something goes horribly awry. Anyway, feel free to state your thoughts on the alternate intro, folks.

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Jax Vanhatalo gazed upward when he felt the cold, feathery touch of snowflakes on his face. The firmament wore its gray mask of clouds like a snow-laden death shroud...almost as if the tempest contained within that pallid canopy had already devastated the sky that bore it and was now eagerly turning its fury toward the land below. More flurries fell in warning from the ominous veil, heralding the arrival of a storm that would soon bury the entire valley and its only vestige of civilization in deep snow. He had little time; the storm would be upon the town soon, and Athengale seemed to be unprepared for such weather. They had not seen a storm of this caliber form with such speed before, or so the gatekeeper had said. Indeed, the storm had hit the region with no warning Jax had been aware of...an odd thing, to be sure. The unexpected development complicated matters greatly, since he now had to complete his mission and get out of harm’s way before the white, icy hammer fell. He would surely have another price on his head if he failed to escape the scourge of the storm with his objective in hand. Time was a luxury he could only dream of.

Frigid gusts of wind howled as they tore through the streets of Athengale, the closest Imperial settlement to the Barren Lands. Though the town was in close proximity to that vast uninhabited region, it never received the Lands’ characteristically harsh blizzards without early indications. A sudden, unexpected downpour of freezing rain had fallen on the town earlier that morning, coating the cobblestones in treacherous layers of ice. The few that still dared to negotiate the narrow alleys and few broad thoroughfares were hunched over against the stinging wind, which happened to keep their eyes off of him quite effectively.

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Plenty here to draw me in and make me wonder.

However, the first paragraph tends to lead me to believe that the story is going to be, in some very significant way, about the weather. Tone it down. Bring your MC into the scene earlier. Intermix his introduction and the scene, rather than doing one, then the other.

quote:

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Posted by djvdakota:
Plenty here to draw me in and make me wonder.

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This is good to hear. It means the piece is probably not an outright dud, though I think there is definitely room for improvement.

Your impression that the somewhat unusual weather plays a prominent role was the reaction I had been hoping for. The cause of the storm is revealed later on in the story, along with some chilling revelations about the MC (no pun intended). I agree with you about the balance between scenery and character description/interaction. I'll work on a rewrite and post an update ASAP.

Thanks to those who've commented so far. This thing is finally starting to take a final, coherent shape in my mind. I love it when a story reaches that stage where you can actually imagine the world and its characters vividly. I, and many other avid readers I have spoken with, have the ability to 'see' a story come alive in my mind as I write or read...as if it were a movie playing in my head, only far more meaningful. I guess that's why I started reading at a young age. A good book is infinitely better than any film, I still say (though I tend to enjoy movies almost as much as the rest of my generation). Can't be healthy.