I'm simultaneously as intimidated as I am inspired by what I read here, the excellent work being done, and the exchanges among the lot of you. So it is with great trepidation, and greater hopes, that I offer up the "First-13" of what was originally to become a prologue to a fantasy novel set in a world of my own creation.

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Where in the blackest corner of the Abyss could Mina be?

Mina had never been late for work. Gralou Namour frowned sourly as the gongs signaled the midnight shift change at the mines. At this, the twelfth hour, the ore haulers replaced the diggers, who would soon descend in force upon the taverns of Glinster.

The diggers always brought with them a strong thirst down out of the dusty mines, but tonight they had been paid and their pockets were full of coin. Gralou shook his head and swore again. A bad night for Mina to miss work. With Chania already out after a difficult birth, Mina’s absence now left Gralou two barmaids short at the busiest time of the busiest night of the week.

As the rough, raucous voices of the diggers clambering down from the mines echoed throughout the valley, a thin, foppishly dressed nobleman hesitantly entered The Crossroads tavern.
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Too much exposition and not enough action? Any criticism at all will be helpful as I try to hunker down and get serious. Thanks.

(Edited to complete the last sentence and thought per djvdakota's sensible point about not cutting off so abruptly.)

First, to clarify the thirteen line rule, no one's going to bite your head off for violating the thirteen line limit enough to complete a sentence.

This isn't bad for a beginning, actually. It introduces characters and conflict, scene, situation, draws me in and makes me want to find out what happens next. But maybe you should show Gralou doing something--wiping tables, setting out mugs, hauling casks from the cellar, sweeping, something. He appears to just be standing there inwardly complaining when there is so much to do.

My only concern is that the barkeep, though the POV character, may not turn out to be an important enough character to BE the POV character for the opening scene. If I'm wrong, and he is a major character, just ignore me.

Yes, I am still struggling with how I want to present plots and introduce characters, so both yanos and djvdakota have excellent points. Shuffling chapters is something I''ve been wrestling with a lot, so your opinions are definitely helpful.

quote:

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Gralou Namour frowned sourly as the gongs signaled the midnight shift change at the mines. [T]he diggers would soon descend in force upon the taverns of Glinster.

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I also second djv on adding some action for the bartender to perform as he worries about Mina's abscence. You'll note that I cut out the part of the line that explained what "shift change" and "midnight" meant.

About starting with Gralou, if your main character is going to show up at this bar and do something particularly dramatic, such that we will be unsurprised when the story shifts POV to follow this new person to the next scene, then it isn't a problem. In fact, it is a perfectly respectable way to let a reader get a "first look" at a heroic or unusual character. If you're going to use multiple POVs in the story, this is as good a time as any to start.

On the other hand, if you are going to strictly limit POV to the central characters, or the main character either doesn't show up for a couple of scenes or doesn't do anything remarkable upon arrival, then this tactic isn't going to be so good.

Uhg! I hate it when I mess up my codes.

No, Gralou is not important enough to carry as much weight as having him appear first would implies he should.

I really like the idea of the POV handoff to the main character after giving the reader a chance to view him/her through another character's eyes first. Unfortunately, Gralou's near future includes events that the main character is not intended to be react to but not be directly involved in yet.

I dragged out an old box of 5.25" floppies, hooked up the - DON'T laugh! - ancient Commodore 128 to a small color TV, and fired up WordWriter 128 to check the original draft. I apparently failed to follow through completely on a long forgotten revision of that passage. I should've already removed the qualification of the midnight hour altogether.

In the original, this world I created had a 20-hour day. Why? I think to distinguish and further distance it from the familiar. What's that? Yes, that probably was a dumb reason. Did someone say "World Builder's Disease?" It's gone. And every such reference is going to be Find-and-Replaced into oblivion.

Well, nobody came right out and said it sucked, so I am a cautiously optimistic. At the same time, I see that I've got more work to do with loose leaf sheets and 3X5 cards to get the threads sorted out better. I want to come back soon from a better angle, a lot more organized, and with enough done to accommodate anyone who would like to review an entire chapter.

I've already submitted an application for a group. I think a little structure and the mutual support might help me to stay on track.

Nice to know there's someone almost as old as I am out there. Now, if you'd said that you had hooked up the old Sinclair... or were working in Magic Wand in CPM, then I'd be deeply pleased. As it is, I'm just simply delighted, and glad to see that you chose to appear.

Second, I'm responding before I read anyone else's opinions so I am not influenced.

Third...well, let's get to it! My comments are in ALL CAPS but it doesn't mean I'm YELLING.

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Where in the blackest corner of the Abyss could Mina be? I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THIS AS AN OPENING LINE. FOR A SPLIT SECOND (NOT A LONG ENOUGH SPLIT FOR YOU TO WORRY ABOUT) I THOUGHT MINA WAS IN THE ABYSS AND THAT WAS INTERESTING...BUT THEN WHEN I LEARNED SHE WAS JUST LATE FOR WORK I THOUGHT THAT PERHAPS WE SHOULD JUST START OUT WITH THE PERSON WHOSE POV THIS ACTUALLY IS AND GET A FEEL FOR WHAT'S GOING ON.

Mina had never been late for work. TWO SENTENCES IS AN I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO'S THINKING THESE THINGS. Gralou Namour frowned sourly as the gongs signaled the midnight shift change at the mines. At this, the twelfth hour, the ore haulers replaced the diggers, who would soon descend in force upon the taverns of Glinster.

The diggers always brought with them a strong thirst down out of the dusty mines, but tonight they had been paid and their pockets were full of coin. Gralou shook his head and swore again. A bad night for Mina to miss work. With Chania already out after a difficult birth, Mina’s absence now left Gralou two barmaids short at the busiest time of the busiest night of the week. I THOUGHT GRELOU WAS THE SUPERVISOR AT THE MIND UNTIL THIS LAST SENTENCE HERE. I SUPPOSE I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER, WITH MINERS USUALLY BEGING MEN AND MINA BEING A GIRL, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WITH FANTASY. I ALWAYS TRY TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND AND ASSUME NO GENDER STERETYPES. SO I THINK SOME CUES THAT WE ARE IN A TAVERN THAT IS AWAITING THE BUSINESS OF THE MINERS JUST OFF WORK WOULD BE IN ORDER. (WELL, I MEAN SOONER THAN THIS. )

As the rough, raucous IMO, PICK ONE OF THESE ADJECTIVES AND GO WITH IT...THEN YOU DON'T NEED THIS COMMA AND IT SMOOTHS THE SENTENCE. voices of the diggers clambering down from the mines echoed throughout the valley, a thin, foppishly dressed nobleman hesitantly entered The Crossroads tavern. HERE'S A CHALLENGE FOR YOU...INSTEAD OF USING THE WORD "HESITANTLY", CAN YOU *SHOW* ME HESITATION? PERHAPS HE PAUSED AT THE DOORWAY FOR A TIME OR SOME OTHER CUE THAT GIVES IT AWAY?

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The good news....I like your grasp of the English language and your style. IMO, you don't have any difficulty in that department, which means you can get to the heart of the story and believe me, that's saying something. There's nothing worse than trying to give well-intentioned advice to someone who hasn't even figured out how to string a sentence together.

As for the opening, I think you should stop worrying about the evil "hook" so much and give us the information we need to know right away to set us in time, place, and POV. In a novel you have about three pages to form that hook, and I can see from the entrance of the nobleman that it's coming soon enough. In the meantime, your easy way with words will keep me reading and looking for the punchline.

Christine - Thanks for your comments. A couple in there really took my breath away. Fascinating. And I'm not just talking about the nice comments that made me feel good. I mean the ones that have the rusty gears grinding away.