posted
Amelia sat on the sandy bluff with her bare feet buried in the sand still warm from the searing heat from a summer’s day. Everyone has a story. She’d seen more than her share of heartache and loss with lines etched on her face as proof and a diet of tears had left behind dark shadows around her eyes as her only prize.
Looking out toward the white capped waves of the tide breaking apart as they came a shore she watched each wave roll in to recapture ownership of what had earlier been a playground now once again her place of solitude away from the crowds. Amelia had come here to revisit a place of both pain and bliss.
As the golden sun dipped into the sea the crests glistened like sparkling diamonds as if it were a looking glass to see through, remembering things half forgotten. She hugged her knees with empty arms as the surfs rocking motion swayed her mind into deep thoughts recalling the threads that had woven the tapestry of her life. A canvas filled with the ebb and flow of life much like the vast oceans own ebb and flow of serenity and raging storms.
I can't really tell where this is headed, but it sounds like a short commentary. Like this is all there is, a snapshot. It is fairly poetic, I'll give you that. I had to go back and read a few of the sentance two or three times, and that usually isn't good.
I'd say break up some of those sentances, and cheer the poor girl up a bit.
posted
My mind start flickering in the middle of the first sentence. Why? One comma wasn't there, and it really confused me.
Amelia sat on the sandy bluff with her bare feet buried in the sand , still warm from the searing heat from[of?] a summer’s day.
Imagine a plane landing in an airport. It needs to be guided down, or it will crash and explode in a fireball.
Writing, similarly, needs commas to keep the story flowing and moving in the right direction. I can't read your work at the moment because every other word I become confused, not sure where in the sentence I am. Put some commas in and your work will be much, much better.
As an example, here's the past paragraph without commas. Writing similarly needs commas to keep the story flowing and moving in the right direction. I can't read your work at the moment because every other word I become confused not sure where in the sentence I am. Put some commas in and your work will be much much better.
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited June 18, 2004).]
Really, though this is...you're trying a bit too hard to be super-emotive. When you miss a beat, it trips, and when you don't...it is much too much.
"Everyone has a story."
In the context of this opening, this is a cliche. The current non-cliche usage is "everyone has a story, but we don't want to hear yours" (italicized portion may be stated or only implied). Either way, it works against your text.
"diet of tears"
No. Unless you mean this woman feeds off the misery of others, this phrase doesn't work. Even if you do mean that, find a different way to say it.
The Faulknerisms of the next couple of paragraphs are their own sort of stumbles, ones that are probably fixable with judicious punctuation.
But the overall tone that you are trying to develop here is simply over the top. It's way too moody. You're frighteningly close to pulling it off too, which means you either have a lot of talent in that direction or you're stealing this from somewhere. I'll assume the former.
But just because you have a particular talent for langauge and imagery so evocative it's nearly surreal, that doesn't mean you should push any further in that direction. It is good to have emotional depth in your prose, but don't try to drown the reader with lachrymose maunderings.
As TruHero said, this seems like "a snapshot." In other words, is anything going to happen in this? Or is it just a slice-of-life? If the latter, I'm not the one to comment on it, since to me, a story--even one that tries to "capture the moment"--has to be dynamic, must show why that moment is more important than the surrounding ones, and what has changed because of it.
If it's not slice-of-life (or even if it is), then you've put us in an undescribed setting. Oh, the physical setting is there, and the emotional tone, but we have no idea what she is actually thinking. Why is she so gloomy? I expect you'll be getting to that later on, but as a reader I need to see some of it right away, or I just float away on clouds of unanchored emotion, and lose interest in where the story might be headed.
posted
Thanks to all for input. I do spend too much time writing fragments (all from the heart or my own images). I have much to learn for sure. I've played with the two characters Amelia and Daniel or maybe they are playing with me. I write journels for each of them and draw from what comes from those. People love the letters they write to one another and the few scenes I've come up with. These characters wake me up all hours of the night. I have pieces, (beginning and middle, but still waiting for them to tell me why they cannot be together.
I'm not sure if I am a writer, but I love to escape to places and dig deep into my own journey to create fragments. I have notebooks full of stuff and who knows maybe one day all will come together.
In the mean time I'll learn and enjoy the images thatcome into my head. By the way most of my thoughts come when driving or during the night. I keep post it notes on stirring wheel. I love painting with words and most of all sharing emotions most do not dare to. I know too many walking dead and rather be filled with all emotions good and bad.
I copied all your thoughts and shall apply them to improve.
posted
You know, it's not bad; it just needs to be broken up a bit. I like some of your really poetic turns of phrase. They're right in saying that it doesn't really go anywhere, and it seems to be overly emotive. My thought is that it needs something more concrete. Right now, we've got a person and an ocean and a lot of melancholy, and you could cram a lot more than that into three paragraphs. Maybe, who is the person? What is this place? Some tantalizing hint at why she is so sad, like a brief thought, shied away from, of what horrible thing had happened here? Just my two cents...
[This message has been edited by Platygrrl (edited July 01, 2004).]
posted
Good comments. I also liked the poetic language (minus the horrendous punctuation). I feared where this was going though. The part where she began reflecting on her past experiences (which you then went into an extended metaphor about a tapestery, etc.). It felt like you were going to jump into a flashback without first rooting us to the story. If you are going to talk about previous events, then start there.
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