Traitor:
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Major Christina Roberts crept down the hallway of one of the buildings of the captured Islamic Union research lab. Though now temporarily under Allied control, the price for it had been high and the area was far from secure. Debris covered the floor and the walls were cracked and pockmarked from the impact of numerous shells. Some of the other buildings had been reduced utterly to rumble, while others were ablaze, the smoke from those giving an acrid tinge to the air. As she stepped over a fallen, blackened slab of cement, one of her lieutenants came running up to her.
"Ma'am," he said, "we found the body of one of the head scientists. And that's not all! He was an American, working for the ragheads.”
"Thank you, Perkins," Roberts said tersely. “Take me to the body.” Maybe this would finally lead to some useful information. Roberts had been hand-selected for this mission by General Hammer, with a lot of opposition, and she needed results to prove herself.
"Yes, ma'am. It's in that building, across the field from us."
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But my curiosity is peaked enough to wonder whether or not it IS a story about evil terrorists. I'd be interested in seeing the whole thing so I can form a real opinion on the story, and not just on the open. Send it please. jonATwalloftheoryDOTorg

You have given me imagery that would be powerful if I had grounding in your universe. You have told me about scenes oof death and destruction that might provoke quite a bit of emotion in another situation. And honsetly, I have a feeling that pretty soon you're going to show me where this story is headed and why/what I should feel. Your writing was good enough that I believe it is coming, I just have not seen it yet. If this is a novel I wouldn't worry too much, then. (I would never post the openning to a novel here, tho ) If it is a short story, I still might not worry about it if your conflict opens up in the next paragraph. Otherwise, you might want to consider putting something right up front to show us some conflict.

Oh yeah, action is not the same as conflict. You sure have plenty of action here. I rate this as very promising on my completely biased, 100% meaningless scale of personal opinion.

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Major Christina Roberts crept down the hallway of one of the buildings of the captured Islamic Union research lab. She needed her mission to find out what sort of weapons the IU had been developing to go well....
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Conflict is a strange animal. Wording might even influence it, but the second sentence gets us closer to understanding what is going on here that is so important. A sense of urgency might help. What will happen if she does not complete her mission? What are the consequences? Is there a sense of urgency? Now or never? To me, personal conflict is more rivetting, something that gets us into the head of your POV character. So if her reputation is on the line, that's great conflict. You said she needed the mission to go well. Perhaps if you wrote, "If her mission did not go well..." Does this phrasing seem like it might create more urgency?

General Hammer...ragheads, surprise at finding an American working for them, an Islamic "Union"...such a tangled web.

Change 'research lab' to 'research base/complex/campus' as appropriate. "She needed her mission to find out what sort of weapons the IU had been developing to go well..." doesn't have a clean parsing, even though the intent seems clear.

Oh, and I kind of like the "If her mission failed, ..." approach. Now I just need the concise way to say that Gen. Hammer will be very disappointed in her, her career will take a sharp downhill turn, and the war will keep dragging on and on, unless the Allies just loose quickly outright. (OK, OK, so the last part is overkill, because they could send another mission in try the same thing again...)