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Here are the first thirteen lines of my story "The Lunch Hour of Eternity." If you would like to critique them, I would be most appreciative. If you would like to read the entire thing, please let me know.
quote:Darrell Spengler stared down at his untouched lunch. He had already eaten it twice and couldn’t bear to think about trying for a third.
Darrell needed some time to think. Luckily, he had all he could ever want now. He bought the ChronoTron at Wal-Mart this morning. There wasn’t any chance to try it out until now.
The ChronoTron display was set up right next to the Slim-Fast bars Darrell had stopped in for. A life-sized cardboard William Shatner beckoned shoppers to “Take Time Out to Time Travel!” And warned, “Don’t Be Caught in the Cretaceous without One!” He was skeptical, but for $19.95, he couldn’t pass it up. If nothing else, it looked like a decent digital watch.
[This message has been edited by Nexus Capacitor (edited March 23, 2004).]
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Doing a quick read-through, I had no problems with it. Actually quite catchy and vivid. Only thing nagging at me was my training as a physicist -- wondering about how such a system would work. Completely not your fault Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Looks like the opening to a good humorous story. The only thing that's bugging me is the plausibility of being able to pick up a time travel device at Wal-Mart (in any time period), but hey, a comedy doesn't have to be believable. *grin*
Posts: 233 | Registered: Mar 2004
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This is great. Hooked in only two sentences and reeled in in three paragraphs. If the rest is as good, you've got a winner. I'd like to know where this goes. Send it, please. Posts: 1810 | Registered: Jun 2002
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Haha! That is a great hook. Looks like everybody is jumping at this one, but if you don't mind sending out another, I'd love to take a look at it.
Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I would never pass on something that was sent to me for critiquing. I think Rahl was just referring to the first 13 lines.
Posts: 1517 | Registered: Jul 2003
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I like this opening a lot. If you would like a full critique, I would love to read it.
Couple of things. First, I presume that he's used the ChronoTron to go back in time and eat his lunch a second time, and now he's gone back a second time and is looking at his uneaten lunch.
This could be made a bit clearer...or actually a lot. It also brings up a major difficulty...where is the previous him? Does this time-travel work sort of like in Quantum Leap, where the time traveler goes back and displaces another body (possibly that of his former self)? Then how could you travel back to the Cretaceous?
Second (and yes, I'm aware that the first thing was actually two entirely distinct things), "He['d] bought the ChronoTron at Wal-Mart this morning. There wasn’t [hadn't been] any chance to try it out until now.
Usually, tense issues are quite small, but when you've got a time travel story that involves very short jumps in time, even the smallest tense issue can...well, it can't really kill you...I don't think. And that includes "The ChronoTron display was [had been] set up...." Yes, it probably still is set up...but you are specifically referring to when he saw it, so that happened past perfect. Just like he "had already eaten" his lunch twice...even though at that point in time, he hadn't eaten it even once as far as the rest of the universe was concerned.
Anyway, two fairly minor things out of 13 lines, and not bad lines at all.
Okay, I'm going to add another, but that sort of ties in with the first. You should establish his now a little better before you flash back to the ChronoTron display...it isn't just because the situation with having eaten his lunch twice needs to be clarified. If he'd been doing something perfectly normal for only a couple of sentences and then you flashed back, I would want more in the present.
But this is probably more for the sake of not wasting that marvelous opening about having already eaten his lunch twice...if the reader doesn't fully understand it, it won't do any good. So it's really just another part of the first point.
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Sorry, Eric and Rahl. I was jumping to conclusions. I thought that you might be roommates in college or sharing a computer somewhere. I didn't mean to offend.
Rahl, did you want to read the rest? You didn't say.
This isn't the story I sent to Analog. After I polish "Lunch Hour", I think I'm sending it to WOTF first.
Survivor, I'll clean up the tense issues on the rewrite. Thanks for pointing them out. I think the next paragraph or two help establish the now and provide clarity. But, I think you're right. The flashback is too sudden. Maybe if I just rearrange it...
As far as the time travel theory goes, I think it all makes sense by the end of the story. Of course, I would think that.
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Two things: As to some of Survivor's comments about the specifics of the time travel here, I see this story as more of a spherical cow of fiction writing. Not only can it stake its fortunes with soft SF, but its humorous bent allows it to take some liberties.
Second -- and this is hazy -- but niggling at my memory is a story similar to this, about buying some outlandish high-tech gadget at a discount department store. Don't know if it was a print story or film (Twilight Zone?) or if there was a previous story at all. But ideas aren't subject to copyright, so it's not a problem, really, but I wish I could latch onto it.
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