posted
Well, since everyone likes my short story excerpt so much, I thought I'd post my latest rework of Sister of Deciet's start. I like it a lot, hope you do too. If not, please point flaws out.
Thanks.
quote: When May woke up on a cold summer day, she knew she was about to die. A painful truth for her to accept, sure, but May saw no point in hiding from it. Denial and fools' gold were the same—they made people happy, while being utterly worthless. And the fact was that May was sick: every several minutes she would start coughing uncontrollably, hacking up blood.
"Silvia," she called, her voice a weak shadow of what it once was.
Her young sister, Silvia, peeked into May's room from behind an empty doorframe. Their small house, which only had three rooms, didn't have doors inside of it, that was too expensive. Instead, they had holes in the walls.
"Yes?" Silvia curled a strand of her frizzy red hair around a finger, trying to hide her obvious nervousness. "Do you want me to get you anything? Are you feeling better?"
May smiled faintly, almost breaking into laughter. Silvia really loved her. "I'm feeling a little better," May lied, forcing herself not to cough. "Don't come any closer—I don't want you catching it."
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited March 12, 2004).]
posted
Well, okay. It's interesting, and well written.
The only possible negative thing I can see is the "cold summer's day." Unless there is a significance to the fact that a summer day is cold, it's otherwise a bit of unexpected color that is just a little too disconcerting all up front like that. Perhaps simply say a cold day, and save "Summer" for a paragraph when some context will take away the "What the . . ." factor.
BTW, I like this much better than "Deleted."
[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited March 12, 2004).]
posted
I think that the cold summer's day works, whether as an omen or as an indication that she feels cold despite the coming of summer. But you might want to clarify it more.
quote:Their small house, which only had three rooms, didn't have doors inside of it, that was too expensive. Instead, they had holes in the walls.
This implies that May would be accustomed to having doors, or that she would find doors normal, and thinks of not having doors as unusual. But it doesn't do so clearly...make this implication clearer or alter the phrase to remove that implication.
I'll try reading the rest, but I probably won't be able to respond with in a particularly prompt manner.
this could be changed. Make it a cool summer day or oddly cold for summer or cold because she is ill.
I know that with all the discussion of "showing" something, it is redundant and overused, but I will use it anyway.
quote:Their small house, which only had three rooms, didn't have doors inside of it, that was too expensive. Instead, they had holes in the walls.
Instead of telling us this in a couple of sentances, give some description of what it looked like. Maybe even describe the wall color or the way the sunlight filters through and highlights Silvia's red hair, or something to that effect. It wouldn't take but a few words added in to paint a clearer picture.
I think this is your best start so far,(really). Definately better than the deep expanse of nothingness that was symbolized in your "Deleted" post earlier
posted
I actually thought it was a pretty shallow expanse of nothingness myself...I think that people just like playing in the shallows around here.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Empathy...a tricky one for me. I rarely feel empathy. I usually settle for a reduced sense of antipathy. Which this opening has.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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