Well, let's take a look here:

quote:

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“The day you best me in combat, Alex, is the day I lay down my blade for a shovel.”
With that Alex rushed toward Theon drawing his sword and slashing down at him. Theon’s sword met Alex's in the air. “ You are quicker, I will give you that, but speed is not everything in sword play.” Pushing him backward and advancing with more slashes and thrust, to wich Theon met and parried every attack until he himself was attacking. The two combatants slashed and parried for many minutes neither one having the advantage in skill, strength or speed.
The only sound on the rooftop was the shuffling of their feet through the grass and the quick sounds of the swords striking each other. High above their head's the sun beat down in a never wavering shower of heat and light. A slight wind was blowing providing a small relief from the substantial heat on the roof top. Both combatants were unnaffected and detached. Focused only on each other.

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[1] Now, I kind of like starting things off with some good old fashioned, huffin' and puffin' ass kickin', but one thing I've learned is that action isn't the same thing as tension, and it's tension that keeps the reader engaged. In this case, having made it to the end of 13 lines I still haven't a clue why these guys are fighting, and so I'm not really interested in the fight because the swordplay is essentially context-free. Are they serious? Are they good friends goofing off? Are they student and teacher? Why are they on a roof? Are they thieves? Rivals? Does Theon fear manual labor that badly? Drop us a clue - it doesn't take more than a word or two.

[NOTE: I should mention that were I encountering this in a publication, I'd keep reading, but if I didn't find anything interesting about these guys in the next two or three paragraphs, then I'd give up. I'm always more critical in this forum when I'm playing editor than I am when I've purchased something as Reader Boy and want very, very badly not to have misspent my $7.95.]

[2] Clarity, please. This passage in particular is problematic:

quote:

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“ You are quicker, I will give you that, but speed is not everything in sword play.” Pushing him backward and advancing with more slashes and thrust, to wich Theon met and parried every attack until he himself was attacking.

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It seems at first that Theon is speaking, but the somewhat convoluted sentence that follows muddies the narrative water a bit. It feels like you want this to move very, very quickly, but you can rest assured that you can slow down the sentence without slowing down the action. That is, you can expend a word or two more to tell us more clearly who is doing and saying what and the passage will actually read more quickly.

[3] This is a curious set:

quote:

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A slight wind was blowing providing a small relief from the substantial heat on the roof top. Both combatants were unnaffected and detached.

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There's a small disconnect between sentences. Using "relief" in the first sentence and "unaffected and detached" in the next means that one of these sentences needs to change. I'd go with changing the latter - makes me more sympathetic to the guys.

[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited March 08, 2004).]

“The day you best me in combat, Alex....”
With that Alex rushed....

Notice that the implication here is that Alex said that first line of dialogue. Same problem as the next line, though that one is less egregious.

Then it just becomes kind of boring...I hate to say this after the brouhaha on the other forum, but you're telling rather than showing

Seriously, though, there isn't any reason for the reader to engage the text emotionally. CCW mentioned this right off, but it's a significant point. The only really interesting thing is that we get a hint of the setting from the fact that they are able to fight on a grass covered rooftop...which I suspect is a mistake from the fact that you mention how hot it is and don't mention that the grass is dry or dead.

You use the verb "to be" too much.

quote:

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A slight wind was blowing providing a small relief from the substantial heat on the roof top. Both combatants were unnaffected and detached.

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How about the wind blew...I'm not sure what verb you should use to replace the second was, but I bet if you thought really hard you could come up with something more descriptive.

The second case is passive, and can be fixed in the standard manner.

"Neither heat nor breeze affected the detached combatants."

If you don't get the joke, you haven't read the "show don't tell" debate in the other forum, and you should disregard that first paragraph completely.

At the risk of getting another debate going, allow me to comment on what Christine said. I've heard that advice about "to be" many times, and I disagree wholeheartedly. "To be" is a necessary verb in the English language (and most other languages, too.) It can be a problem when used in the wrong place, just like a more active verb can be a problem when used in the wrong place, but it's not the universal evil that it's often made out to be.

Not trying to put words in your mouth, Christine. I realize you didn't paint "to be" as a universal evil. Many people do, though, and I thought I'd take the opportunity to address it.