The story is novelette length. It takes place on two asteroid worlds in the 23rd century that have very different cultures. There are two main characters, both women. One has a bit of alien technology lodged mysteriously in her brain. The other is the scientist who is studying her condition. The two fall in love and become life partners. PoV shifts from the patient to her partner as the story moves forward.
I'm more than halfway through it now, and my worries are these:
1. Everything I've read about plot has emphasized escalating tension as the character struggles against obstacles or antagonists. I'm not sure this story has much of that. There is a conflict, of sorts, because the one with the thing in her head is determined to not have it removed, and her partner is naturally concerned for her safety and would prefer to take it out. The different cultural backgrounds of the two characters feed into these goals in (I hope) interesting ways. Nevertheless, the two of them are still basically on the same "side" and I'm not portraying the difference as something hugely contentious that could destroy their relationship.
2. The story takes place over many years of time. Consequently, it's starting to feel like I'm just "hopping in" and showing scenes from their lives with huge gaps between.
My hope was that the interest in the story would come from the mystery of where the alien technology comes from and what its purpose is, as well as exploring the cultural differences between the two worlds and how it plays out in the relationship between the two main characters. Now I don't know if that's enough to hold someone's attention for 10,000 words or more.
Do you think this premise is structurally flawed or weak, or is it something that can work if I do it right?
"Nevertheless, the two of them are still basically on the same "side" and I'm not portraying the difference as something hugely contentious that could destroy their relationship."
They don't have to be on different sides to introduce conflict. Any real relationship has conflict. Many romance plots are based primarily around intrarelationship conflict. Also, many mystery plots are centered around discovering the meaning of ____ or how it got to be there, etc..., so as you describe it it sounds like you're on good ground. How to make it compelling--that's a more difficult question. If I had a great answer to that one, then I expect I would have some sales under my belt.
This blurb definitely interests me, but whether the story would be compelling just depends on what happens and how it's written. Is that vague enough for you?
[This message has been edited by steffenwolf (edited March 04, 2009).]
I think I'm having trouble internalizing some of the information I've gotten from books on writing. They seem clear and obvious when I read them, but when it comes to integrating them with my own story ideas I sometimes feel I'm losing the thread.
My ideas usually don't involve an antagonist character, and much of the writing on plot assumes that set-up. I like more subtle forms of conflict.
My first instinct would be to explore possibilities of having the alien technology threaten one of the characters' lives/health, or their relationship with each other. Or introduce another dynamic that seriously jeopardizes something the characters care about that is linked somehow with the alien technology.
That way, there's an emotional urgency to finding the answer to the mystery, rather than simply intellectual curiosity.
Interesting premises are not dramatic action, per se. Interest in a milieu, idea, character, or event is as likely to result in an episodic story, an anecdote, or a vignette, as it is in a fully-realized story.
Dramatic action is not necessarily physical movement, excited passions, or strenous contention and conflict but it is a character struggle involving purposes and problems.
Plot movement begins with a predicament presenting to a reader, and soon thereafter if not at the same time to a protagonist, and in the example presented, also a dueteragonist with a similar predicament. The implanted device apparently being the shared predicament. A predicament then establishes the flow of a story's suspense by artfully delaying the anwser to a question posed by the predicament presenting. In this case, the implanted device is fraught with questions, how did it get there, why does one want it to stay in, and the other want it out, what difference does it make in their lives beyond their differences of whether it belongs inside her, and so on. What is done to address it being there, and what's finally done about it.
Examining the eytmology of protagonist is illustrative, pro antagonist, pro antagony, pro anti-agony. A protagonist is a character who attempts to achieve a goal through the agonies of addressing a predicament. Antagonism can be internal or external, it can be in the character of an antagonist persona or a setting or a prevailing cultural more, etc., or as perhaps indicated, for one source in this case, it can be self-antagonism.
Tension develops from establishing and maintaing a sympathetic reader resonance with the protagonist. A source of sympathy involves an emotional cluster reaction, pity and fear being more potent than most. Escalating the emotional cluster reaction throughout the story increases tension. Suspense is established and maintained by artfully posing a question or questions that are artfully delayed in answering in an escalating sequence. In simplified questions: what happened, how's it addressed, what's the outcome; beginning, middle, and ending.
A complete story takes a single predicament and follows it through to resolution. A complete story results in a reversal of fortune. Incomplete but satisfying stories come along all the time, but they have a resolution of sorts in a change of consequence to the protagonist's predicament and/or a logical, believable decision related to resolving the predicament.
A story taking place over a long period of time risks becoming episodic, the narrower the passage of time the better. Motivating forces (inciting forces) tend to have immediate reactions seeking immediate solutions. If causation is stretched over a lengthy time, it can logically diminish in potency until a new inciting force gives it fresh impetus.
An example of a storyline that's not particularly contentious, limited in conflict, but tension is noteably driven by coodeterminate, cooperative, and coordinate antagonism is the 1981 film Chariots of Fire written by Colin Welland and directed by Hugh Hudson. An athlete wants to win a race at the Olympics. Some small contentions and conflicts are part of the story as tension escalates, but the underlyng antagonism is the problems and purposes of winning the race. It takes place over the course of five years.
The magnitude of dramatic action and character passions in that story weren't high but they were sufficient for an emotionally stimulating story. Magnitude of dramatic action and character passions contribute mightily to a reader's satisfaction. Larger than life characters and purposes and problems are the bread and butter of fantastical genres. Real-life magnitudes the mainstay of literary genres.
[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited March 04, 2009).]
Extrinsic's remarks about the story being too stretched in time are very helpful. It may be hard to maintain suspense while the characters themselves are carrying on their lives for years without really resolving the matter.
man against man
man against nature
man against himself
and that these types could be pretty broad.
For example, if you include in "nature" anything over which humans have little control and/or of which humans have little understanding, you could include your alien technology.
Conflict isn't just fighting per se. It can also be argued to be trying something and failing, then learning from the failure and trying something else.
Conflict can also be described as being anything that has an "or-else factor" which is a situation that could have disastrous results if something doesn't change soon. What you just told us about the blackouts sounds like an "or-else factor" to me.
Maybe if you thought about your plot as a "struggle" plot or a "growth and learning" plot instead of a "conflict" plot, you'd be better able to see that you do have a plot to work with?
Man against the gods
Man against machine
And I believe there was one other. Aristotle was attributed with that list.
Of course it can all be boiled down to:
Someone against someone/something
Blast it!
However, I think people are generally classed outside of nature when having this discussion. Nature conflicts are generally very physical, fight for survival, while people's conflicts can be metaphorical, emotional, spiritual, etc...
The time span of the story is still a worry, but I want to keep it that way for a variety of reasons, and work on keeping the suspense going.
It may not be the tightest combination of story elements, but I now think it will work well enough to be worth completing.
@zero: I think you've over-analyzing those conflict categories. The system's main use, it seems, is to help junior high kids recognize that there is some kind of conflict or tension in every story, and that there are alternatives to good-guy/bad-guy conflict. Yes, everything is part of nature, but this stuff isn't for science class, it's for English class. 
my friends call it "giving you crap".
quote:
Examining the eytmology of protagonist is illustrative, pro antagonist, pro antagony, pro anti-agony.
I don't believe this is correct. My dictionary shows the term derived from proto- (first) + agonistes (agent, actor). The latter word is derived from a verb meaning to contend, ultimately from agein, drive or lead. The idea was that in Greek drama, the principle character was usually the first to speak.
[This message has been edited by Starweaver (edited March 05, 2009).]
But then I remembered “The Time Traveller’s Wife”, a novel whose structure is similar to yours. It’s a love story, the usual boy meets, loses, finds girl kind of thing, except he travels in time and she doesn’t, so their love doesn’t follow the normal sequence of events. Like yours, the story covers many, many years and we dip into their lives to experience significant events.
As readers, we’re not held by tension, but by the two main characters, for whom we care deeply because of the strength and depth of Niffenegger’s writing. How will they surmount the difficulties his time travels cause? Will they meet again, when, how? Will their love survive such unique challenges? We keep reading because each event is profound, rewarding in itself, and contributing another piece to the overall jigsaw puzzle of their lives.
So perhaps the question is, does your story really need tension?
Magnitude is another matter. Tension doesn't necessarily have to rise to unsustainable heights in a love story that follows conventions of the romance epic. It merely should keep a reader involved in finding answers.
[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited March 06, 2009).]
I don't know how to sumarise it further without spoiling it, but I think it's okay to say that the man suffers from an odd genetic defect which means he cannot control when he travels in time, or which time he travels to. And when he travels in time, his clothes -- and his wallet -- get left behind. At the start of the story he knows who she is, and she is but a child. Later, she knows who he is, and since he's younger than he was when she first met him, he doesn't know who she is. Different questions arise through the story, more subtle than, will they meet and stay together? It's not the usual golden-age-style time travel story.
The writing is emotional, tender, not the sort of story I would usually enjoy. You find it on the literature shelves at my bookshop, not SF. (My daughter recommended it to me.)
Structurally, it's fascinating in that we're never confused about the chronology, even though their personal timelines are intertwined like a pair of tangled mobius strips.
Highly recommended for anyone who wants to study emotional SF, time travel stories and their structure, and subtle hooks and tensions.
[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited March 07, 2009).]