Hatrack River Writers Workshop: She took a deep breath and...

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Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

I don’t have too many problems with writer’s block, but I have a lot of “stuck-in-the-same-phrase” blocks.

Today’s issue is “took a deep breath.” I have a character going through some challenging times, but they’re almost all internal. She’s lost and scared at a big party. She has to find someone but she doesn’t know what he looks like, she’s lost a lot of her memory. She reaches several decision points during this scene, and I find myself writing “she took a deep breath and...” at each one. Ick! Help! My character is going to hyperventilate with all these deep breaths!

What else can I say to characterize the decision-making process, the character overcoming fears, anxiety, even panic, to make decisions that should help her get out of this situation?

More importantly, how do you get yourself out of the rut of using certain phrases or the same way of characterizing something over and over? I think I know one answer – give yourself permission to write a terrible first draft, and then fix it in revisions. What else have you found that works?

Posted by JeanneT (Member # 5709) on :

My characters used to shake their heads and shrug so much, you would have thought they had a nervous disorder. I wouldn't worry about it though. That's what editings for.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

quote:

What else can I say to characterize the decision-making process, the character overcoming fears, anxiety, even panic, to make decisions that should help her get out of this situation?

One way is to delve right into her thoughts, what she's thinking:

She approached a blonde girl sucking on a cigarette. She was about to ask her where John was, but the cool look the girl made her want to run out the door and down the street as fast as she could. She settled for turning heel and walking into the next room. There had to be someone here who knew John! She rested a hand on the door frame and surveyed the crowd in the next room. This was getting ridiculous. What was she, seven? When was the last time she'd been so nervous? It's just some dumb people at a party, she thought. She would ask the next even remotely friendly person she saw, she decided.

So, hesitant steps. My characters chew their lips a lot. Shifting from one foot to another. Wringing hands. Playing with their hair, fidgeting with clothes. Steeling herself, bracing herself, also in dialogue you can show hesitation: "Hi--I'm really sorry to bother you, I was hoping-- I thought maybe--" She flapped her hands, realized how ridiculous that must look and forced them into her pockets. "Do you know a guy named John?"

Added: In your case, I wonder if there isn't enough motion in the scene. She's at a party, looking for this fellow. But each time she does something, takes a deep breath, gets the nerve up to ask someone, the story has to move forward, and not just towards getting your MC to John. I'm thinking of Robert McKee's ideas here. Ideally each beat will turn the scene. If not turn it, amplify it toward some direction. So if you focus on that, maybe, instead of just how she's feeling nervous, then you might only have to use "she took a deep breath" once. Of course, I'm speculating this without knowing hardly anything about the scene in question! My apologies if I'm way off the mark, I just wanted to throw the thought out there in case it sparked an idea for you.

quote:

More importantly, how do you get yourself out of the rut of using certain phrases or the same way of characterizing something over and over? I think I know one answer – give yourself permission to write a terrible first draft, and then fix it in revisions. What else have you found that works?

So same as OSC says. Think of, then discard the first idea that comes to you. And maybe the second. Keep reaching for specifics. Think, What would Veronica do here? Not Shelley, not Amanda, but Veronica? And what, specifically, sets her off? What about her past might make her nervous at a party? Or, if she's lost her memory, does she feel stupid? Does she get embarrassed easily? Is she afraid someone will find out she's lost her memory? Is she afraid of running into someone she knows? All of these thoughts and emotions can be categorized as "anxiety" or "overcoming fears", but reach for specifically _what_ fear she's afraid of. Keep digging, and don't be satisfied with what your character tells you until she's laid it all bare!

My 2 cents!

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited July 18, 2008).]

Posted by extrinsic (Member # 8019) on :

One context suggested by the query and synopsis might be the potential of the character being in a state of uncertain readiness. Body language might fill in some of those breath takings. Body language clusters from changingminds.org might offer some insights.

"Uncertainty leads to tension, which leads in turn to further mental fatigue." http://www.changingminds.org/techniques/conversion/ten_stages.htm

"A significant cluster of body movements are all about being ready for something.

Language of readiness
A ready body is poised for action.

Pointing
Any part of the body may be pointing at where the person is thinking about. This may be another person or the door. This may be as subtle as a foot or as obvious as the whole body leaning. Eyes may also repeated[ly] flash over in the intended direction.

Tension
The body is tensed up and ready for action. If sitting, hands may hold onto armrests in readiness to get up. Legs are tensed ready to lift the body. Things in the hand are gripped. Attention is away from everything except the intended direction.

Hooking
The hands may slightly hook clothing, in particular with thumbs hooked into the waistband. This is like a not-quite putting of hands in pockets, indicating the person is relaxed but ready to move quickly.

Movement
Where there is movement, it is in preparation for further movement. Legs uncross. Hands grab bags, straighten clothing, and so on. The whole body leans in the intended direction."
http://changingminds.org/techniques/body/ready_body.htm

Posted by Robert Nowall (Member # 2764) on :

I keep filling the space between dialog with this weird body movement or that---anything to avoid the dreaded "he said." My characters sigh a lot. Right now I've got one who keeps giggling.

Posted by Crystal Stevens (Member # 8006) on :

The dreaded "he said"? That's odd. One of my books on writing (can't remember which one at the moment) specifically said that he said/she said should be in there rather than left out. This is mainly because of the problem of having characters nodding, shrugging, sighing, laughing, grinning, etc. every time they say something. That's why I use it any time I have someone speaking. Is this wrong or should it be modified and mixed up with some of the other when it actually adds something to the story?

I also wondered when and when it isn't proper to not even mention who is speaking because it's obvious due to the scene or if two persons are sharing the conversation. I know I've read such conversations in some books and get mixed up on who said what. Then I have to go back and re-read what I've read to make sense of it all. Any comments?

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

<sorry Kayti>

The guideline I follow for putting in attributions is how often I can omit them without obscuring who's speaking. I think it's a balance of "he said" vs. adding character tags, vs. nothing at all. I'll add a descriptive tag if a reaction is warranted, or if I need to characterize something.

I agree that, as a reader, ahving to go back and figure out who's talking is darn annoying and, in my opinion, easily fixed by the author. I've read books where, after I've gone through it, I'm still not sure who said everything.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

He said/she said is somewhat invisible to the reader, so it's not a bad thing to include it - however I have received feedback in crits before about not having so darn many of them. In my case, it's usually a matter of no dialogue attribution being necessary because it's a conversation between two people and it's clear after 1 exchange who says what.

But meanwhile, yeah - my characters also shake their heads so much they have whiplash. LOL

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

This is precisely the image which went through my mind reading the thread about adverbs a moment ago. I saw myself religiously cutting them all out, and leaving my characters with a combination of Parkinsonism and non-stop sweating. Part of the answer has to be to stop every time, and ask 'Is this really needed?'

Posted by tigertinite (Member # 4803) on :

I love to watch people when they are nervous. You can tell so much about a person when they are nervous, for example when I am nervous I play with my hair, twirl it, put my hands through it, if it's up I take it down, and vice versa. You can do the same with your character, give her a big necklace to play with, or a ring that she can move from finger to finger, or find something that can represent the nervousness, then instead of 'taking a big breath' you can have her stop the nervous action, or start it up again. Gives your character character and it also can be amusing depending on what the action is.

Posted by Crank (Member # 7354) on :

quote:

My characters used to shake their heads and shrug so much, you would have thought they had a nervous disorder.

It is apparently a contagious condition that your characters caught from hanging around my characters too much.

The cool thing about writing alien-centric science fiction is that I'm tasked to come up with something other than a shaking head. Because of that work, my human characters now express their frustration / disbelief / etc. in other ways.

Now, my new overused physical reaction is huffing or snorting a disrespectful laugh. In my current WIP, I weeded out all these reactions, except for one particular outdoor winter scene, where a heavy exhale caused a congestion of vapor clouds to congest around my character's head. I thought the visual was cool, so it stayed.

S!
S!...C!

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

On the other hand, when I'm nervous in a situation like that, I often do repeat the same nervous gesture again and again. I don't take a deep breath the first time, play with a my necklace the second time, and twirl my hair the third time. So another option is to have her take deep breathes each time and, during the third instance, have her stop in mid-breath, realize what she's doing, and feel foolish for it. Then she can start a new nervous habit.

[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited July 24, 2008).]

Posted by Unwritten (Member # 7960) on :

One thing that works for me is creating different habits for each character. Jenny plays with her necklace, Jack plays with the hair of whatever girl he happens to be flirting with, Arram runs his fingers through his own hair til it's standing straight up; he also throws things a lot...you get the idea.

The desired effect is that the movement helps with the characterization--of course you can't overuse it, but it fills in some of those beats, and I HOPE it's endearing.

Posted by Doc Brown (Member # 1118) on :

Deep breathing is a time-honored relaxation technique. Maybe you could have the character employ some yoga, for example, which gives you a whole vocabulary of synonyms for ". . . a deep breath."