Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Immortal

This is topic Immortal - plot help in forum Open Discussions About Writing at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :

I don't know if this is the right place to put this or not, so if it is in the wrong place I am sorry. Right place or not here goes.

I have a short story that I have been working on for some time, about a rather long lived species that lives here on earth among us. They seem to grow old just like us, but after 10o years or so they "disappear" and people around them assume they die and then they reappear a few years later young. What has happened in the interim is that they have "slept off the years."

In this story you have the "immortal" being visited by a grad student of history. the student for their PHD is trying to document as much of a small town as possible. So they stumble upon this person who's "family" was in the town when it was founded.

The way that I want the story to go is that the history student finds out about the immortality and also discovers that there is a way for the immortality to be passed to them. The original person dies then after a normal life span and the new immortal lives on.

Here is my problem. I have written and rewritten this story about a dozen times and I never like the way it works. So I would like some thoughts.

Point of view - the immortal, tired of life but reluctant to give the same burden to someone else
- the historian, making the discovery about this and begging to be the person the long life is passed on to.
- some odd combination of both.

Characters - I have tried all of these but...
Male - female (some sort of love interest involved)
Male - female (with no love interest)
so on and so on

The only part of this that I am in love with and that I don't want to change is the immortal is tired of life, tired of watching the people around them die.

I really like this story idea but every time I get it written something seems totally wrong with the story.

Any ideas or suggestions are welcome. If you like to use the idea yourself that would be fine too, I like the idea so much I would rather have it come to life in someone else's work then to sit on my shelf and die.

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

What's the downside? It looks as though there is little that will serve as suspense. If there is nothing to loose (since the immortal wants to die, and the recipient wants to live), the net result is everybody is happy. Maybe if it were two women and the immortal woman can't have kids? And the one receiving the immortality really wanted a family...although that isn't really a big downside.

Find something that will make the story have some form of tension.

Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :

What was one of the reasons that I introduced a love interest. They fall in love with this person and don't want the burden to be placed on this new person. Kind of a be careful what you wish for situation. Or believe me, you may think you want this but you really don't kind of thing. With all that said even with the love interest I can't seem to make it work. I think you are right, there does not seem to been enough tension there.

Maybe, and I just thought of this so don't laugh, the immortal has picked this person as their "victim" and the student finds out only too late... I don't know.

To answer the question. The downside? Living "forever" in a world where most people don't is lonely. and To make a pun eternally so.

[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited June 11, 2007).]

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

This is a wonderful idea. My thought was why not have the student have a love interest, he eventually tells his love interest of the possibility of immortality. They decide to marry and both become immortal. The immortals make it known that he and his love interest are the ONLY two people they will give immortality to. Of course make sure there are obstacles/impediments for their decision to become immortal along the way - maybe the immortals are reluctant - that sort of thing. So he undergoes the procedure first - of course the couple are ecstatic at the thought of living together forever. Then it is her turn to go through the procedure. Now, have her die unexpectedly before the procedure OR have her suddenly decide against it. Now then, he is essentially "condemned" to live forever - and if she has decided against it, he watches her grow old, whither and die. Furthermore his immortality has then become a hellish curse as he knows any other love interest he has will only grow old and die also - so maybe he remains a kind of "outsider" - never falling in love and he comes to realize his immortality means nothing - he has become an "observer" of life opposed to being a participant and wishes he had is mortality back. Just an idea.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited June 11, 2007).]

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

To be frank, I don't find the concept of immortal loneliness that believable. I've seen if before. Maybe it is just my personality, even not being immortal, but I have friends I haven't seen in decades right now. Some of them have even died. I'm not lonely. So, the part that seems off in the concept to me is why isn't this person making new friends. Even to an immortal, a friend is a friend. Twenty years with a friend is still a long time. Maybe some people lack the ability to move on, but it seems most people can do it. If he wasn't lonely at 90, why would he be lonely at 140 and so forth? The only reason I could see is if they were unable to get out, do things and meet people.

That said, what is believable to me is old people growing cynical and fed up with people in general. The older I get, the less imaginative I feel and the more exasperated I get with the behavior of people around me--especially young people. So, I could see this immortal being fed up with people, with the way the country is run these days, with young people, with technology, with people being so lazy today, with no one talking to one another, etc.

Maybe that is the same thing, but that is what I think of when I read that immortality reaps loneliness. What keeps them from making new friends?

Another reason, perhaps, is maybe they have to give up immortality after a while. Maybe they get a little weaker each time, or there is some other risk. So the immortal has been looking for someone to pass it on to, but he isn't sure if the history student is the right one.

Perhaps the history student knows history well enough to not want immortality, even. Then you would could have a situation where the immortal thinks immortality is great and anyone would want the gift, but they have to give it up. And the person they want to give it to doesn't want it. The young person could even reference all the vampire stories where they lament about what a chore and bore it is to live forever.

At any rate, just musings and random thoughts there, but my point is that immortality has been done a lot. I think if you are going to do it, look for an angle that hasn't been used before.

Posted by J (Member # 2197) on :

I agree with the sentiment that what you seem to be missing is conflict. If I plan to go to the store to get eggs, and proceed to go to the store, get eggs, and return home, that's not a story. If I get to the store and there is only one dozen of eggs left, and someone grabs them from me right before I reach the aisle, and I really, really need to eggs to bake a cake to celebrate my wedding anniversary--which I forgot last year and will likely be divorced if I appear to forget again--then there's a story.

So conflict of some kind. For example, the immortal could be adamant about refusing to pass on the condition, and the history student could become equally determined to force her. Or the opposite; the immortal could become determined to free herself at the grad student's expense, while the grad student desperately tries to escape that fight.

Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :

Thank you for your comments.
I agree that I don't have much of a conflict. I really thought at I had a good start, but with that simple reading it seems I have found my problem. The idea of having the immortal giving the historian the immortal life against his/her will completely changes the tone of the story, but in the end I think it will be a good change. Thank you all for your help, maybe I will be able to get it done to some satifisfaction.

BTW. Anyone who still wants to use this story idea is more then welcome to so long as they let me know so that we don't step on each others toes.

-Jeff

Posted by Lord Darkstorm (Member # 1610) on :

So, what if the history student finds a way to take the immortality?

If the immortal has much to loose, like another immortal that they are married to?

Give it some thought, thrown in some twists. Don't give up yet. Maybe it just needs to rumble around your head for a while while you work on something else.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

what if the history student finds a way to "take" the immortality, and then it turns out that this was what the immortal was hoping to trick him into all along? Then suddenly, the former immortal goes his merry way, eager to eat, sleep and die like a real human, and the history student is stuck looking down the endless corridor of time, wondering what the heck he got himself into, and how he could have been arrogant enough to think he could outsmart a man who had lived for millenia? or not. Sorry. Got a little carried away. I'll get my coat.

Posted by KayTi (Member # 5137) on :

As I read this thread, I was reminded of two books about this kind of situation. The first is Tuck Everlasting, a great children's book (quick read) that was made into a movie sometime in the last 5 years.

Tuck Everlasting is about a long-lived family who has found this certain stream (or is it a well? it's been ages since i've read the story), which if you drink the water, you become ageless. One of the boys from the family who is long-lifed meets a girl in town (who is younger than him as I recall) and they develop a connection. His family has to move - they always have to move after a few years so that others don't get suspicious about how none of them seem to get any older. He gives the girl a vial of the water so she can drink it in 5 or 10 years, when she'd be closer to his age. She keeps it for a while and then, after almost seeing a frog run over by a car or horse/carriage, she impulsively takes the vial and dumps the water on the frog, thereby squandering her chance to live forever. It was an interesting take, and I'm sure I'm forgetting many details - I has to have been a good 15-20 years since I read it last.

The other is Time Enough for Love, by Heinlein (golden age sci-fi author), which is a monster of a book (hundreds upon hundreds of pages) but which chronicles the life of his primary long-lived character, who is seen in many of his novels. The concept of long life is something he explores in many of his books. He creates a secret-society type of thing where the characters are allowed in if they have 4 living grandparents. Then they are encouraged to intermarry w/other long-lived people and have kids (and get paid for it, or some such.) Ultimately the world turns against these long-lifers, presuming them to be hiding some type of technological trick that is enabling them to live so long, and banishes them from Earth. They do one of those relativistic travel things and boomerang back 70 years later, to a much different earth, where the Earth residents have discovered some type of "rejuevenation" procedure that helps extend their life. They're no longer grumpy with the long-lifers (methuselahs, one of the chapters/short stories is called I think.)

At any rate, he goes through the story following Lazarus Long and you see this guy have a long life, fall in love, watch his wife (who is not a long-lifer) die, etc. There are plenty of poignant moments. There are times when he just wants to give up and die himself, but the whole book (Time Enough for Love) is about him realizing he still has plenty to live for, even though he's the oldest/longest lived of all the long lifers at something over 2k years old. Interesting take, and Heinlein is fun to read.

So - there are some themes there - a vast age difference, wanting one of the couple to wait to become immortal until they reach an older age. The idea of "what's left to live for?" and certainly the one you've already posited - "passing on immortality" - what a thing! What if that were the free giveaway on one of those cheesy morning radio shows? "10th caller gets registered for a chance to win - IMMORTALITY!" Sorry, not sure where that came from, but just thinking how ridiculous it might be if word got out. That could be part of your conflict - the need to keep it secret, lest the immortals be persecuted (maybe they're immune from aging and disease, but accidents can still kill them.) You usually need to have some sort of drawback to magic/fantasy items in stories - like how in some fantasy stories the magic comes at a cost of blood, or others have the mage have a "source" who provides the power for the magic. In your case, it's like you need the "but..." - you know "Immoratality is great but..."

At any rate, it seems like there are a lot of great ideas in this thread. I wish you the best of luck!

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I had another idea for plot twist. If the imoortality can only be passed by some kind of action - like a benediction - what if the history student gets it, with the help of his lover, and then they find out only one can use it at a time, so they are trapped together, the mortal one jealously watching every move by teh immortal one, to make sure it's passed on at the agreed upon time (like once a year). They end up hating each other. And the one who is not immortal for that year ages, while the imortal one does not. I could see the history student tied up in a basement, the lover starving him, maybe even torturing him, (he can feel it, it just won't kill him) so that he will give her the benediction, and him deciding he will sit inthat chair until she grows old and dies, because he knows the ropes will eventually decay and he will be free and immortal, while she will be dust.

Posted by jeffrey.hite (Member # 5278) on :

Wow that is twisted.

I like it!

I had thought about making them lovers, and something about that being part of the way it was passed on. only through the conception of a same sex child. But there was some other way to do it... I will leave to your imagination....

I had always, until I posted this thought of the characters being "friends" but I think I am warming to the idea of them turning against one another. I will have to let it stew for a bit and give it a try.

Look forward to it being posted here some time in the near future.

Posted by HuntGod (Member # 2259) on :

Lots of good ideas's, but at the heart of it, you need to resolve the conlfict. I think the easiest way to do that is introduce a third character as a prospectiove reciever of the immortality.

You can add romance to the triangle as well, but I think adding the third character will open the gates to a flood of other prospective ideas.

Also the TV series Highlander might be something worth perusing, alot of the episodes were schlock, but out of 120+ episodes there are some gems, and it frequently touches on the downsides of extrememly long life.

Also if there are more than one immortals, which from your original post, I think there were. The other may want soem input on who is being added to their ranks.

Perhaps the main immortal has chosen the student but the rest of the immortals do not think the student is worthy or appropriate to join them?

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

How about have the history student accidentally let out about the long-lived person being long-lived before she finds out the secret of why. The person who she told is her (somewhat selfish) boyfriend, who then reads her note/overhears about the immortality and that it can be passed on. In his attempt to be the next recipient of the immortality, he ends up killing the immortal (can the immortal die from mass trauma?) and losing his one chance to live forever or some such thing.