"Hey kid! Yeah, you! Skunk breath! Catch!" Locke threw the ball at Andrew’s face. The football flew over and hit the young kid’s back. The ball landed him in the shoulder blade and dropped Andrew down to the ground in a heaping pile of tears. It was like this everyday for Andrew. Always getting picked on, beat up and many other horrible things. He was very, very small for his age and not a very bright student because of these happenings. He lived on the bad side of town and had to walk everywhere to get to places risking the fact that he would get almost killed. Locke was no exception to this; he called his friends over to help him chase down Andrew. Locke was not smart either, but because of his size compared to everyone else, he was the leader of his gang, the Slices. It was a nice day with stormy clouds seemingly arranging over head, a bad day for a fight to happen.
Posted by mikemunsil (Member # 2109) on :
Hi Defult! Welcome to Hatrack.
This looks like a piece that you wanted comments on? Is that so?
If yes, you might want to ask Kathleen to move it over to Fragments and Feedback.
Ineffective. Fails in two areas. Firstly, it is a poor to start a story as it is vaue and unfocused. Secondly, it fails by itself, for it rushes. The Hey kid! part is so blended into the next part that we do not see any recation; no time is given to absorb impact, create emotional bond.
[Quote]: Locke threw the ball at Andrew’s face.
Unclear who these people are.
[Quote]: The football flew over and hit the young kid’s back.
The ball flew over what and hit what young kid? Who is this young kid? What does he have to do with the first to people?
Quote: The ball landed him in the shoulder blade and dropped Andrew down to the ground in a heaping pile of tears.
This sentence makes no literal sense. As such, I lose patience as a reader and will continue no further.
Good luck!
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
I can delete posts or topics, but I can't move them.
I could copy Defult's post in a new topic that I would start, but I'd need to know that's what Defult wants.
Defult could as easily copy the post and start a new topic with it in the Fragments and Feedback as I could.
Posted by Defult (Member # 2286) on :
crap. well i guess i just am more crazy then i thought. that o im illiterate (or how ever you spell it).