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Guide to Becoming an Evil Overlord
by: Peter Anspach
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, ``Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say, ``No.'' and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say ``No.''
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled ``Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked ``Do Not Push'' will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence ``But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know.''
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line ``No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have reduntant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say ``And here is the price for failure,'' then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me ``My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?'', I will reply ``This.'' and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says ``I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'', I will say ``Oh well'' and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask ``Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?'', I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk ``Project Overlord'' and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror ``And he must be taken alive!'' The command will be ``And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical.''
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. ``Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.'' Instead it will be more along the lines of ``Push the button.''
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach . If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached
Lee
Its just too tempting to pass up, I'd think. I mean, that jerk has been taunting you with his infiltration. I'd have to stick it to him.
(sorry)
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Its just too tempting to pass up, I'd think. I mean, that jerk has been taunting you with his infiltration. I'd have to stick it to him.
Kill him first...then you have about two weeks to gloat over him before the smell becomes too much to handle.
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28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
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38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
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47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
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84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I vote on the five-year-old advisor taking him out. 
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited October 31, 2003).]
1 I will maintain a functional and regularly drilled army, a top-of-the-line intelligence service, and a good working relationship with any local Heroes.
2 My Wicked Uncle, Jealous Brother, etc. shall never be banished from the realm. If I cannot justly imprison or execute them I shall grant them a comfortable manor well within my borders, income sufficient to indulge their least reprehensable vices, and a well trained staff who will report his every move to me or my intelligence service.
3 I am not immortal and have no real interest in becoming so. For that reason I will make comprehensive arrangements for the succession/regency the day after my coronation and update them frequently.
4 I will test all prospective heirs for intelligence, leadership ability, administrative skills, and most importantly character. Those who do not measure up in any the first three categories get pushed to the back of the Order of Succession and put somewhere harmless. Flunking the character test will, of course, result in the Dysfunctional Kinfolk treatment mentioned above.
5. My Intellegence Service will have standing orders to investigate (note: NOT prosecute) any rumours of corruption within the ranks of my Advisors and High Nobles, including... make that _especially_ the ones that I trust implicitly.
6. I will not stress over my lack of competent male heirs if I have any daughters. Indeed, the arts of rulership shall be a part of all my daughters' education (they could be better at it than my sons).
6a. If there is no way a female heir would be accepted by my people/the nobility I will either pass her over for her most competent (and hopefully emotionally secure) brother and groom her for an advisory role, or (with her knowledge and input) find a throne-warmer to marry her off to that is sufficently unambitous/practical to let her do most of the actual thinking.
7. I shall seek out the most feared assassins in the land and give them all a reasonable retainer conditional on my continued well being.
8. It is reasonable to assume that the Knights of my Realm have better things to do than chase damsels in distress all the time. Therefore I shall train all my daughters in escape techniques, wilderness survival, disguise, armed/unarmed combat, sorcery if applicable, and so forth. In addition, I will tell them to be discreetly armed at all
times.
9. Before summoning a DragonSlayer(tm) to my aid, I will see if any Dragon not actively attacking my realm's populace is amiable to
reasoned negotiation. Setting out sentient sacrifices however, is automatically out of the question.
10. My daughter shall be a judge, assuming she is not mature enough to be _the_ judge, in any contest for her hand.
11. My Elite Royal Bodyguards shall never look like anything of the sort. The people that look the part will be competent enough if it can be helped, but I will have less conspicuous sorts hanging about at all
times.
12. My life is not mine to risk needlessly. Therfore I shall not command my army in ther field unless my kingdom (not my throne) is at stake, I am the only competent general on my side, and/or I have a competent successor/regent waiting well away from the war zone.
13. If I do find myself in command of my army, I shall not make myself more of a target than I must. For example; the Snow White Charger and Guilded Armour stay at home, any strategy involving me leading a
clavary charge into the Teeth of the Enemy shall be designated Plan Z, and so forth.
14. If my Royal Dignity demands that I maintain a harem, I shall conceal wisewomen, sorceresses, warriors, R&D specialists, spies, covert ops people, and the like therein.
15 I shall endeavor to include a staunchly heterosexual member of the opposite gender, a staunchly homosexual member of my gender, a
devoutly celebate cleric, and an enuch among my closest advisors. They will be charged with providing a Reality Check if a Mysterious Seductress tries to worm her way into my heart (and incidentally, my throne room)
16. I shall never allow a single minister/advisor "grand vizier"
to have absolute power within my government. Instead I will rely on multiple advisors/ministers with clearly defined responsibilities and a completely seperate judiciary.
17. My private chambers, especially those where my (pregnant) wife and/or children spend most of their time, shall have a permanent anti-magic/anti-tech field erected over them. No matter how good my defensive magics/security systems are, when a Bad Guy wants to do something nasty, he always succeeds. Let him work for it.
18. Anyone who uses the phrase 'I live but to serve you, My Lord' will by law be permanently barred from assuming any position of authority, no matter what happens to me and/or my chosen successors.
19. If I have an unstoppable superweapon of Good, I will use it as early and as often as possible, rather than holding it in reserve or caching it to allow my child or chosen successor to use it to avenge my death. This assumes its side-effects are not unspeakably terrible.
20. I will never eat or drink anything offered me privately by someone who has recently assured me of their unconditional love, fealty, and/or support.
21. Last stands are for poems. If an Evil Army has overwhelmed my defenses, I will escape, quietly form a government-in-exile, and wait for its leader to become complacent and careless before acting quickly and decisively to retake my domain."
22. I will remember that while Good always triumphs in the end, 'the end' is subject to interpretation and I am not necessarily the embodiment thereof.
23. I will remember that Evil will pull stunts that I wouldn't necessarily think of: that's why it's Evil. Among my advisors will be an average five-year-old child: if, in his objective opinion, one of my other advisors is not to be trusted or is behaving sinisterly, that person will temporarily be taken out of the chain of command while I investigate.
24. The Heroic Sword that has served me well will stay mounted in the throne room, under gaurd, until my successor will take it.
25. Any of my loyal subjects who are pretty good at healing and learning will get grants.
26. Dungeons will be ten feet wide and thirty feet long. Prisoners have to be at the far end before the door will open.
27. The Mysterious Magical Race who inhabits the forests in my kingdom shall be offered peace treaties in appropiate ways. Their neighbors shall get classes on how to deal with the MMR so there's no offense.
28. Grand nothing. My advisor will be called Bob.
29. My wizards shall give all sorts of magical crap to the hero before he starts on his quest. None of this 'sword and shield' shit. Cloaks of levitation and boots of speed, baby.
30. Women can fire bows and arrows just as well as men.
31. The Evil Darklands shall have guards. They are to report back at scheduled times with code words. Any abberation shall be treated as invasion.
32. Racism will not be tolerated. If a race of winged beaked warriors wants to join up with us, anyone calling them 'Beakies' will be punished.
33. If I must lead the battle against the Evil Hordes, my command tent will look the same as the food tent. Actually, maybe make that the latrine, just in case my enemies want to burn the food tent.
34. Crowns suck. So do thrones.
35. All warnings from ragtag bands of heros will be investigated. It may sound impossible that the Northen Vikings are massing to invade but it can't hurt to check.
36. If my subjects are so backward that they still retain foolish prejudices of any sort, I will immediately institute an educational campaign/advertising campaign (that is, I will subsidize the teachers, entertainers & gossip-mongers) to spread the word that Equality is a Good Thing for All.
37. If there are rebellious movements which are based on bigotry, and I have working magic, leaders of said movements will be transformed into whatever it is they are most bigoted against, and see how *they* like it.
If magic *doesn't* work, I will make sure that said rebels are nevertheless made to appear ridiculous.
38. As Benevolent Overlord, I shall also remember that if I tyrannise those close to me, they will either pass the shit down or overthrow me, or both. Remember, high heels only came into existence because one French king was short. In a feudal system, people imitate their betters. If you kill anyone who looks at you funny, your subordinates will take their cue from you in how to deal with their subordinates.
39. If I grew up with a lower-class boy (Son of the miad or something) who is my best friend, I will appoint him to a trusted position, regardless of the complaints of the nobles. Better their complaints than a slighted friend who knows me and my habits too well. Besides, if he is my best friend, it's the right thing to do.
40. I will take care to maintain the traditional forms, even - or especially - when I alter the substance of those forms.
41. I will take care to cultivate at least one hobby or interest that has nothing to do with royalty and little to do with nobility. Such things always seem to come in handy in an emergency.
42. In addition to being on good terms with all the Heroes in the region, I will locate, and seek to be on good terms with, the person who brews the best beer in the kingdom. He or she always seems to turn out to be an important contact in an emergency.
43. All professional assasins will be given high-paying posts in my army elite corp and bodyguard, so they will have no need for their previous profession.
44. All government offices will operate under total freedom of information, and I will encourage a diverse and independant media.
This should take care of any corruption my own agents miss. The only exceptions will be my foreign intelligence and my personal bodyguard, both of which I will run myself.
45.I will build a university directly adjacent to my castle, so that I will never have to send a messenger on an ardous 30 day journey to reach the one wise man who can save the kingdom -- that wise man will live across the street. (This should also give me a technological edge over my neighbors, who will no doubt outmatch me in numbers and bloodthirstiness.)
46.I will send out skilled and well-supplied healers throughout the country at my own expense. People who personally owe me their lives tend to be loyal.
47. I will encourage a secure banking system, so that I can pay for my social programs in hard times without crippling taxes. I will,
however, always strive for a balanced budget.
48. I will ensure that a means exists by which any popular movement can bring itself to my attention peacefully and in a timely manner.
49. I will keep my laws to a minimum, only banning things that really need to be. My citizens private lives are their own affair, even when my way is better.
50. I will never confuse which detail is important. For example, murder and assault will be illegal, but blood magic is fine if you can do it without those.
51. I will remember when dealing with my traditional rival that massive unilateral gestures of trust are less useful than cultural and economic ties.
52. If my children prove ill-suited to rule, I will contact an adoption agency. Several times if necesary.
53. If I cannot find any suitable heir in my lifetime, I will establish a test to find a new worthy king. However, it will consist of logic puzzles and tests of character, not something random like pulling a sword from a stone. I will also ensure that the way to begin the testing is well known.
54. If all else fails, I will remember the potential effectiveness of representative democracy.
55. I will wear light armor at diplomatic conferences with evil overlords. Sure it's heavy, but it's also a good protection. If they say it shows a lack of trust, I will explain that I worry my body will grow soft with age.
56. The object that is the root of my power will not be guarded by the dragon of Yvor in the fire mountains beyond my kingdom; it will be in my safety deposit box. The same goes for the artifact that is my one weakness.
57. I will insitutute a modern civil service of trained professionals to help me run my Kingdom rather than rely on a hereditary nobility whose skills might vary.
58. I will institute a comprehensive education system to train the civil servants, army and navy officers, judges, lawyers, doctors, clergy, wizards, and engineers necessary to run my realm. At the very least it will ensure that most of my subject would be literate and numerate and loyal to the State.
59. I shall tax fairly.
60. I will not alienate the merchants and will encourage commerce and industry.
61. My peasants will not be serfs, they will be free yeomen farmers
and free farm laborers who receive wages.
62. I will maintain good diplomatic relationships with other Kingdoms.
63. I will make sure my Kingdom as a national flag and anthem that rouse the Spirit.
64. National holidays will encourage patriotism, but not the mass-murdering kind.
65. I will discourage adventurers from robbing my Kingdom of wealth and wrecking havoc.
66. I will patronize the arts at my court and throughout the kingdom.
67. Even if one of my offspring is my clear favorite, and the others are duds, I will endeavor to show my love to all of them consistent with the dignity of my office. This is especially important if they have different mothers/fathers.
68. In line with the above, I will do my best to ensure that each of my offspring has something useful/interesting to do, so that "primary heir" isn't the only game in town.
69. I will remember that "the ends justify the means" only applies as a *retroactive* excuse, and that the means must also be justified at the time I use them.
70. I will maintain a professional army, trained in formations and other collective tactics. Individuals who demonstrate extreme skill but are uncomfortable with holding one spot in a line will be recruited to the elite hero corp. Heros who demonstrate wisdom and maturity will be given a small level of civil authority (think Jedi or Heralds). As an emergency backup, I will encourage my people to acquire arms and learn to use them.
71. The militia will discourage atrocities against my people, the army will hold the main defense, but I know it is only a small team of well-characterized heros who can pentrate the enemy realm and steal the amulets from the evil overlord's safety deposit box.
72. Speaking of which, the artifact which is the source of the vanquished evil overlord's power will be entrusted to my most cautious magi *only*, and they will report for detailed telepathis screenings after each session with it.
73. Similarly, sentient texts of evil will be kept strictly under control, where they can only be read by individuals whose minds are known to have no buffer overflows or similar vulnerabilities. This is my one exception to freedom-of-speech.
Taken from a Usenet Thread on the subject. I've edited significantly to remove commentary and suggestions that were a bit too evil. It was amazing how many points were argued over as being more appropriate for an evil overlord. If you ever want to watch a character switch from one to the other, check this thread for intermediary stages. You can find it at
(Edited in hopes of fixing formating).
[This message has been edited by Narvi (edited October 31, 2003).]
[Buffy has just fallen through a skylight into the lair of Sunday, a vampire leader.]
Sunday: I must say, you've really got me now. I mean, it's a diabolical plan, throw yourself at my feet with a broken arm and no weapons of any kind. How'm I going to get out of this one?
Buffy: You got a nice set-up here, but you made one mistake.
Sunday: Yeah? What was that?
Buffy: Well, I'm not actually positive, but statistically speaking people usually make at least...
JK