Apparently, in February 2002 life was going into its "sweet" part for me. I've fallen in love for the first time and that time I knew it was for real. Her name was Laura, she was one year younger than me, also Romanian and also interested in Computer Science. We've had some nice moments the weeks before, and we were facing a three weeks vacation with nothing much to do. She loved me too, she just didn't know it yet...
One day we decided to go out for a walk. It was starting to rain, but we said we'd go ahead. (We were in Rouen, France, where there's no such thing as snow...) While we were going down towards the city it kept on pouring until we were both totally soaked. Her black makeup was streaming down her face, and she started to look like the "Crow"... After (me) laughing about this for about five minutes, she stopped and cleaned it in looking in a car's window. By that time I was already starting to feel the water in my shoes, but who cared?! I was singing in the rain and happy again...
Our vacation was ending on the 17th. February 14th was on Thursday... (If you don't know what's on February 14th, you shouldn't be reading this. Move on...) At around 10-11PM on the 13th I decided I'd tell her how I feel the next day. What better occasion that this? I considered "all" the factors: everything she said, everything I said, the fact that I was likely to go to Lyon the next year, and she didn't have the grades to transfer there... Anyway, I thought it would be now or never, so I went for "now". Of course the decision might have had something to do with the music I listened to on the radio until 3AM. Valentine's Day... You can figure it out, can't you?
Despite going to bed so late, I woke up early. Love can work wonders on your sleep, I tell you... I was so excited that I could barely eat. I went to the university's computer lab and spent some time on the net, being sure that Laura wouldn't wake up until much later... I came back at around 10, knocked at her door, and she told me to come in. We talked about what we were going to do that day and she said she'd like to go out for a walk. I "volunteered" to join her, of course...
We went out and I was trying to find the courage to tell her... No luck. I was 20, but never had a girlfriend before, only told one girl that I liked her, but we were both "kids" and it didn't really mean that much. I was in as an unknown territory as one can ever get. We walked through some nice narrow street, found one which had a small water channel going through the middle of it; later went to see the big cathedral (the second highest in France, after Notre Dame de Paris); and finally we were on the Seine river side. I sat on a bench, she lay across it with her head in my lap... And while I was gently stroking her hair... she said: "I'm cold, let's go home". DRAT!! Oh well, I can always tell her later, I mumbled to myself.
We returned in the campus and I went to my room and she went to hers. Later I came down to see her but she wasn't there anymore. So I went to the computer lab - not there either. And then I thought: why don't I write her an email?! ("No! You idiot! Don't tell her like that!" Yeah, where were you then?!) So I did... While clicking "Send" I was feeling like I was about to pull a cord that would send current through an electric chair I'd be sitting in... But somehow I managed.
Then I went to my room, turned off the lights and lay on the bed all shivering. This guy: could be called "extra still" compared to how I was at that moment.
A knock on the door. Ouch, I thought my heart would jump out of my chest! I said "Yes" (well, I said "Da", but lets keep this simple and English), and she entered. She had a look on her face... Let's just say that I knew she'd say "No".
It's the end of the world as we know it
...and no, damn it, I did NOT feel fine! Her first word was: "Wow!" The next were: "Why did you turn off the light?" f@!4#$%@#!!!! I cut to the subject, and she said she never knew I felt that way and that she always considered me a good friend but... Sometimes people can be so blind. There were at least a couple of others who knew about this without me telling them - and of course, my parents, to whom I unconsciously wrote about her in every single email during the last few weeks. She said she doesn't know what to say. I answered that it's not my "turn" to say something... "Awkward silence"; what we did then is the exact definition of it. Finally, she rose and told me she'll think about this and tell me later. I figured she was just trying to find a way not to hurt me (how smart am I?!), but said ok.
On TV that night there were the World Figure Skating Championships, the men's free program. Don't remember where, exactly, but the final group was at around 5AM. So everybody was awake... At around 3AM she was in Adrian's room (he was not there), and I went to see her. She told me it's hard for her to say it, but... she likes Adrian. Great... (SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!) "Why don't you tell him?" Hmm, did I just say that?! She laughed, then said "sorry", then "Don't know. I probably will, soon." After some small talk I went out; I watched TV, it was nice but I wasn't really in the mood for ice skating. I tried to go to sleep afterwards, but I couldn't. I started crying, for the first time in I don't know how many years. "I deserve better!" Suuure you do... Fool. Anyway, after spending a useless hour in bed I decided to go out for a walk. Took some money with me (smart move), put on my shoes (not smart move, should have taken the boots!) and went out through a forest we had nearby. I've never walked to the other end of it and I was wondering where it would lead to. About a couple of hours later I found out: it was in one of the city's suburbs, far, far away from its center. I walked all the way back, this time on the sidewalk, not through the forest, and when I arrived I went to a McDonalds for a tea. By that time my feet were freezing and the tears on my face froze too. I got some strange glances from people - like I cared!
After that I went back to the campus; I wrote an email to my parents in which I told them not to worry, I'm ok, can't talk about it right then. Stupid, shouldn't have said anything. I went to my room and crashed on the bed. I haven't slept in more than 24 hours but still had some troubles. That evening Laura came to see me. She told me she has told Adrian about it. Yeah, go ahead, twist the knife... I just sat at the window, with my back to her and tried to swallow and hold back the tears. She asked if she should go, and I whispered "Yeah".
Later I got a call from my parents. So much for "don't worry". I said I won't tell them anything. Afterwards I shut down my cell-phone.
The next day Laura came back, saying that she's with Adrian. Oh boy... Doesn't she know when to stop?! She left after a few minutes when she saw I wasn't going to say much.
My parents got smart; they knew I have a good friend, and called him on his cell-phone and asked him to come talk to me. That friend was Adrian. How shall I put it? I didn't really want to see him right then... I took the phone and told my parents to stop calling me. Which they did. Not. Oh well, their problem.
Sunday started bad. I was feeling quite down (what an understatement THAT is!). I went to the computer lab to listen to some music. Actually I listened to only one song: Say it isn't so, by Bon Jovi, for about 4 hours. Laura came in the lab, but I didn't notice her. I had my earphones on, and was just resting my head on the table, eyes closed. She patted me on the shoulder and said she has something to tell me. What now?!
We took a walk around the campus and she told me she broke up with Adrian. After two days... Sheesh, some love that was! She said she felt they didn't have much in common. After you like him for a whole semester you get with him for two days and realize "you don't have much in common"?! Sounded fishy, but I didn't say anything. You see, hope dies last - hard to kill, the little bastard. She said she still can't be with me, but she wanted me to know about her and Adrian.
We don't need no education
But who asked us?! School started. The worst thing was that I was applying for a transfer to Lyon and the credits I'd get that semester didn't matter. I needed just 2 and a half credits from a total of around 8 to finish the year. And in the mood I was, I was thinking that I won't probably get more than that 2 1/2.
Cutting short. I started stalking her. Emails, comments when we met, stuff like that. "She's wrong, I'm right, I deserve her love". Boy, what a donkey's cousin.
After the Easter holidays she couldn't take it anymore. She told me to stop it. I did... After a while. And then...
But don't believe her
I never did believe her about that Adrian thing. And fortune, or God, or Satan, or just pure old curiosity struck. I should say first that the computers in one of the labs were for general use. No accounts, no nothing. We had our programming classes in other labs. Sooo... I was making some space on one of the computers, when what do I see? A directory called "Laura". Goody... Only one file inside, and it turned out to be a yahoo conversation. So I started reading it. (Beware! Don't leave anything like that where I can easily find it!) I kept reading and... "There's this guy who's mad about me"; "I told him I liked his friend only to get rid of him"; "I broke up with his friend, but now I think he too fell in love with me". Oooh boy... I was mad like hell, I wanted to scream, or break something, or... Instead I wrote her an email, saying she's a liar and some other things not worth mentioning. I sent it to her. 6 times. From different addresses, to be sure if one is blocked others would still get through.
And waited...
She answered it later that day, saying she has nothing more to say to me, and trying some weak excuse about me understanding it badly. I wished I copied that file, for "evidence", but oh well, she knew what she'd done, and I knew it too. Calling a mouse "eagle" won't make it fly.
I finally went home. We shook hands before I left, none of us apologizing for anything, me thinking I'd never see her and it would be quite fine that way. I got my transfer to Lyon, and was happy about it.
This grudge
...was still there. It helped that I didn't see her all the time, didn't talk to her, didn't email her though. At some point I started to realize just what I have done to her. I don't actually remember when this happened, sometimes late in the autumn, after almost four months. I wrote her an email saying I'm sorry for what I said, I'm sorry for hurting her, and hope she finds the power to get over that. No asking for an answer, no pathetic "let's be friends again". Surprisingly she answered back. She said she had forgotten me (no mention about what SHE did, my damned logical mind kept saying) and she's moving on. Some time after that we started talking on yahoo messenger, and finally became friends again. Because, you see, we DO have a lot in common. Of course that doesn't mean it should lead to love. She came from time to time to Lyon, and it was good to see her again. But my love (or obsession, don't know exactly) was still there. At one point she said that I was the one to whom she was talking most. Bummer. Then there was one more episode, around one year and a half later when she wrote something during a messenger talk when I thought, yeah, I still like her, and I told her that. She said she had hoped I've gotten over it but understands that things like this can leave marks. Oh yeah. "Scars" is a better word. So I was probably the best friend, but that was it.
Since I came to Canada I haven't talked to her that much. Once or twice on messenger, a couple of emails, but that was all; and nothing in the past month or so. I kind of forgot what she looks like, definitely forgot how she smells - don't laugh, half a year after going to Lyon I was still able to summon her smell in my mind! -, or what her voice sounds like. It's sad in a way, I can't even say we're friends any more, but I think I needed this. And probably she needed it too, a total break from my obsession.
I've had a girlfriend in the meantime, I loved another girl - hurt her too, never became really close afterwards, but I can't blame her -, I thought I loved another but I didn't really. And I'd like to think I'm wiser about this whole "love" think. Definitely less inclined to say people are bad. Who ever thinks of himself as "the bad guy", no matter what he does?! We always find reasons... Almost always... I also hope I don't hurt people I love anymore. I think I'm on the right track.
The end... or perhaps just a new beginning?
Radu Stanculescu, born on June, 26th, 1981 in Lugoj, Timis district, Romania.
Music is the soundtrack of our lives
(in order of appearance)
The Verve - Bittersweet symphony Queen - I want to break free Frank Sinatra - Singing in the rain REM - It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine) Bon Jovi - Say it isn't so Pink Floyd - Another brick in the wall Scorpions - Don't believe her Alanis Morissette - This grudge
Edit: For those of you who have read the thread about my friend Adrian being in an accident a while ago, he's not the same Adrian as the above! And I should also have to mention that I overcame my stupid jealousy against the Adrian mentioned in here and we're good friends again.
[ December 12, 2004, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: Corwin ]
Posted by BelladonnaOrchid (Member # 188) on :
Not all love stories can have happy endings, Corwin. Perhaps the only ending most of them can have is the best ending for all parties involved.
It's sometimes good to talk about these things, though. Things will most certainly get better for you in the handling love department, that only takes time. Thank you for sharing with us-I hope you feel better.
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
Definitely a new beginning, Corwin. Thank you for sharing of yourself, and congrats on 1,000.
Posted by Uhleeuh (Member # 6803) on :
I wish I had something really wise to say to you, Corwin, but I don't. I just wanted to thank you for sharing it.
Posted by Wonder Dog (Member # 5691) on :
Thank you so much for sharing that!
I went through a saga much like that - went on for 5 or 6 years. It was rough. So very very rough.
Luckily, I've ended up married to a wonderful, caring, patient woman. She knows all about my past love/crush/obsession/whatever, and although I know it worries her from time to time, she loves me and supports me all the more.
I still dream from time to time about that crazy girl form my past (I think that's what worries my wife so much - I'd be worried, too!), but my wife and I are discovering what love really is - not what I though it was so many years ago. It's a beautiful thing.
Thanks again for sharing, Corwin. Good luck in whatever the future brings.
P.S. I'm in southern Alberta going to University. Where in Canada are you living? What school are you going to?
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
I've been there too Corwin, for what it's worth. Well, emotionally, anyway--the siruation was quite a bit different, but like Geoff I let it consume me for 5 or 6 years. Hope it doesn't take you as long to work through it.
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
Belladonna: I know...
quote: Perhaps the only ending most of them can have is the best ending for all parties involved.
Yeah, that's what I wish for too, and it's something I worked at this year.
Goody: Thanks.
Uhleeuh: Hehe, most of the time I thought I had something really wise to say. I wish I kept my mouth shut more often! You know, silence is golden... And thanks for reading.
Wonder Dog: Thanks for the good luck wishes! And I'm in Montreal, Concordia University, but only as an exchange student for about... let's see... 10 days. Then I'll go back to Lyon, France (after spending the holidays with my parents).
Noemon: What I wrote is actually much more vivid than how I feel about it right now. I tried to remember exactly what I felt, and my sentences are always situated in time: "I felt that", "I was mad", etc. Now I can say I'm pretty much cured, thank you!
By the way, Wonder Dog, are you Geoff or is Noemon just confusing nicknames? I remember greeting you in the New Members Thread, now if you were Geoff, why'd you post in there?
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Glad to hear you're over it. Took me years! I was probably confusing usernames when I called Wonderdog "Geoff". I used to get "A Rat Named Dog" and "Al the Wonderdog" confused, way back when, and it would seem that that caught me again.
It's funny looking back on someone that you cared so much about, and only being able to remember that they meant something to you at one time, isn't it? I can't even remember what it felt like, exactly--my memories of the relationship are memories of memories, rather than of the relationship itself.
[ December 11, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: Noemon ]
Posted by Wonder Dog (Member # 5691) on :
I totally agree with you, Noemon. I even realize now that a lot of my memories are influenced by my imagination, not reality. Part of my whole "Soul Crush" experience was a 2 year seperation, and during that time, even though I had contact through mail and phone, I kind of generalized and "made up" rose-coloured memories of this girl. The person she was when we last had contact and the person she is in my mind are two different beasts. Screwed up, ne?
Oh, and I can totally understand getting Rat Named Dog and Wonder Dog mixed up - and I'm pleasantly surprised you remember my old post name (Al the Wonder Dog).
Corwin - Did you enjoy studying here in Canada? Be honest! And what do you think of Concordia? My aunt and uncle studied there a long time ago, I think. Now he's a SAG system guru, and she's a Mom that can code. Posted by Wonder Dog (Member # 5691) on :
Oh, and I'm not Geoff Card. And yes, I remember you greeting me in the "Newbie" thread. Noemon just has his wires crossed. Posted by Lirael (Member # 4217) on :
Oh, man. That story sounds all too familiar.
I've been there. I'm still there. I haven't recovered.
And I know too well how it feels.
*hugs*
[ December 12, 2004, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: Lirael ]
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
Noemon and Wonder Dog: Yeah, me too I tend to think of those girls not in terms of how they are today, but how I remember them from when I was in love. It is kind of strange, indeed. It's like there's a "then-Laura" and a "now-Laura", and the "now" one is the stranger. When in fact there's a "then-Radu" and "now-Radu". She has certainly changed but what I really experience is a change in my perception of her...
Wonder Dog, I think I'll pass the question about school and probably start another thread about it sometime. I've experienced 3 school systems and all have their good parts and their bad ones, but it would take me a while to think & write about that and I'm not in the mood for that here and now.
Lirael, I've just read the What is love? thread you started. I won't really answer THAT question, since I think each person's definition is a mix of several different things, most of them strictly personal. But I hope you get over the "unrequired love". Or at least not torment the other person with it. I've lived to regret doing that. "If you love somebody, set them free" - I used to think that's a total nonsense, but now I'm changing my mind. Loving someone doesn't mean trying to cage them in your love. And sometimes "setting free" the other person is all you can do...
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
Oh, Corwin. (((Corwin))). I'm so sorry you had to live all this. I wish you all the luck with your return in Lyon and don't worry, you'll find the one one day Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
"...neither wash [your] hands nor let them hang useless"
Posted by Sara Sasse (Member # 6804) on :
Corwin, I'm sorry for your distress. I hope tincture of time helps.
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
Anna: Thanks. I'm actually more sorry for the people I hurt than I am for me. These things have certainly marked me, but I'm trying to use all the experience I've got from them in a good way.
Jim-me:
quote: "...neither wash [your] hands nor let them hang useless"
Not even before eating?! That's sick, man! And thanks...
Sara: It does, 'cause " time is on my side, yes it is!" It would be sad if I'd think that what I once had is gone, but since what I thought I had was not what I really had, well, then there's not much reason to be sad about. Or something like that... Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
aww.. now don't tell me you don't recognize that? it's only the best line in the entire series!
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
Jim-me, should I deduce it's from the Amber series? If so, I've read the first book in Romanian, and the rest of them in French. Many times! I've read them once in English but just bits and pieces... And I don't find that it's really that much of a memorable line after all... If I'd known the context, maybe...
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
"I am a part of that evil which exists to oppose other evils... and on that day of which prophets speak, but in which they do not truly believe, I, too, will go down, swallowing curses... but until that time I shall neither wash my hands, nor let them hang useless"
-Lord Corwin of Amber
Was just trying to come up with a subtle and gracious way of saying "I liked your landmark... keep your chin up and keep moving forward" but I have now made heavy weather of it, for which I apologize.
[ December 14, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: Jim-Me ]
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
No need to appologize, Jim-me. And now I DO remember the line! I absolutely loved the part: "I am a part of that evil which exists to oppose other evils", it reminded me of myself... And I also got what you meant by that line, so thank you for saying it!
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Angst]](graemlins/angst.gif)
could be called "extra still" compared to how I was at that moment.![[Mad]](mad.gif)
I took the phone and told my parents to stop calling me. Which they did. Not. Oh well, their problem.![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Hat]](graemlins/hat.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)
If I'd known the context, maybe...