I hate doing things because everyone else is doing them.
On a personality test I took one time there was a question that asked, "Do you prefer to do things your own way, or the usual way?" I answered, "the usual way" because I just knew everyone else was going to put "my own way."
I waffled a long time about doing a Landmark Thread. When Moose made 'the Landmark Thread that launched a thousand threads' I was nearing 2000 posts. I've skipped 2k, 3k, and 4k never intending, or missing, doing a milestone. But then after Slash's, I started kicking the idea around. Mostly because I thought it would be interesting to see how two such differing tales can spring from the same family, but also because I was more than a little surprised to realize that it actually had made me know him better. My own brother. A Landmark made me understand my own brother a little more.
It made me realize that Landmark Threads are important. I mean, yeah - they're interesting. They're about people's lives, and most of us find people interesting. But more than that, they give us a little window into the soul of the author. Because we're able to read the major events in a person's life and the epiphanies that they came away with from them, we're able to understand the person as a whole.
This is really important to a place like Hatrack. If we understand where the person is coming from, then it becomes that much more difficult to disconnect ourselves when we are vehemently arguing differing perspectives. We understand them, we understand why they feel the way they do. That familiarizes us with them, and makes it easier for us to love them as people.
Love stimulates interest. Interest stimulates learning.
So, while my particular life story is far from interesting, I'm very happy to perpetuate the Landmark Thread cycle.
Okay, so I told you that to tell you this ( ):
Everybody has some theme in their lives that stands out to them. I mean, we all have many themes. But most of us can point to certain ones and say those are the life-altering, epiphany-inducing pathway-choosing motifs.
I gave this a lot of thought, and I think I boiled it down to this: I cannot get a grasp on my self-worth. Like Gollum, I simultaneously love and hate myself. I'm sure most people do, but there are varying degrees of it. And the pendulum swings back and forth. If there is a balance, it's modesty, humility and confidence. It's knowing your place in the universe, realizing that while the universe with all the stars and planets and solar systems doesn't give a rat's butt about you, the people in your own little universe love and value you.
But there's a fine line between humility and self-loathing; between modesty and cowardice; and between confidence and conceit.
While Slash was born the only child of geniuses, I was born the third and youngest child of an already struggling family. But most of my memories are pleasant. I was a cute, good-natured kid and well-loved by both parents and siblings.
Like Slash, I had a serious speech impediment, but instead of thinking this had to be remedied ASAP it was let go cause it was "so cute." One of my earliest memories is in Camas, WA where the back of our house was crawling with sticker bushes. I remember Slash picking my two-year-old body up to set down on them with bare feet. (I have a vague memory of him deliberately taking my socks and shoes off himself before the event, though he vehemently denies this.) Years later I asked him why he would do such a thing to a helpless kid (besides being innately evil) and he said, "Because you were so cute! You would say, 'Twy, don't put me in the ticky bishes. It's vewy, vewy WUDE!'"
My first grade teacher didn't think it was cute, and fortunately for my ego she took the time to cure me of the impediment. (I'm a proud pronunciator of my "R"s and "L"s today.)
I have memories of my father picking me up by my OshKosh B'Gosh overalls and giggling into my face to make me squeal. I remember my mother laying down with me at naptime on her waterbed, and telling me to watch the leaves on the trees outside "dance" to lull me to sleep. I remember my sister carrying me everywhere she went.
I remember being loved.
While my father was a major player in my brother's life, sadly for the worst, he's actually been the smallest player in my life, though he is extremely important to me. I've always been his undisputed "favorite," which saddens me to no end, but I appreciate the love and concern he's shown for me throughout my life. I find it very unfair that he couldn't manage to be the father he was to me for my brother and sister. But I also realize he WAS that father to me because of them. Slash told me that he had said to my father at around the age of fifteen (not verbatim), "Don't screw up with Toni. I hate you, Tina hates you. Toni is your last shot."
I remember curling up behind my father's knees to watch M*A*S*H with him.
There are some disturbing memories, yes. He held us "hostage" with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat that he never would have had the guts to use. I sat very still on the couch while my sister, who is six years my senior, clutched on to me for comfort and generally freaked out into my ear. I remember Ty standing between us, and my dad backing down. I remember being relieved Tina wasn't screaming anymore.
btw - While my cameo appearance in Slash's thread was, "By this point my parents had three children..." he will figure very prominently in my thread. He's been like a third parent to me, and he's incredibly important in my life. So, warning: copious Slash references to ensue.
All in all, though, most of my memories of my father have been pleasant, and are filled with love. He gave me the circumstances to feel better than others, such as my siblings. He gave me the half of the pendulum that's labeled "arrogance and conceit." He also gave me the part of my self-consciousness that feels unconditional love.
I have lunch with him the last Friday of every month. He pays.
My mother's role has been a little more poignant to me. I literally believe my father ran the bank dry when she championed her children at my very young age, and so by the time my older siblings left the house she allowed the floodgates of depression to finally open. I was the last one in the house, and I was about twelve years old - so capable of taking care of most of my needs - when my mother went on Prozac.
Let me tell you something about my mother. Slash didn't mention this, but in her prime she was, quite possibly, the smartest woman I've ever met. She was kind, compassionate, wise and sharp as a blade. She read voraciously, and handed down her love of reading to two of her three children. All my life she has been crippled with Cluster Migraines. When I was a little girl she would have me sit on the sofa back behind her and "play with her hair" which essentially consisted of me pulling her hair as tight as my little hands could and clipping it into one of my barrettes. She kept the house very clean, and was The Voice of Reason as far back as I could remember.
When her depression hit, it was like someone had taken sandpaper and begun to dull her around the edges. She still had the same frame, she was the same person. But the chronic sadness and social phobias began to slowly strip pieces of her away. And the Prozac, while stopping the tears, didn't give her back her old spark. Slowly she has become a woman unable to deal with noise, unable to deal with confrontation, and sometimes unable to get passed mental blocks even in the face of reason.
My mother gave me this illness. One-third of the population will have at least a mild episode of depression during their lifetime and about 15 percent of the general public will suffer from major depressive disorder sometime in their life. It's a crapshoot.
While Slash may believe he is the bastard my father is, I fear my future is the sparkless woman my mother has become. She was a better person than I am NOW. I'm terrified that the future bodes badly.
She gave me the half of the pendulum that's labeled "self-loathing and crushed of spirit." She also gave me unconditional love.
I have lunch with her every other month (she works much further away). She pays.
My sister has had a tremendous impact on me, but I only realized the size of her role recently.
Let me tell you about my sister. While Slash and I have always been "buddies," Tina was the odd man out. Emotional, melodramatic, bossy, self-consumed... I could never do anything right, unless I was doing it exactly to her specifications. I was continually labeled a "brat" for not accepting my role as indentured servant, and any form of torture Ty passed to her was immediately handed down to me. Actually, from both of them. Bastards.
But my sister is crippled. While Slash took Dad's abuse head-on and became stronger, if not more cynical from it, Tina just became more and more broken. She couldn't handle not being able to win the approval she so desperately sought from my father, and I honestly wonder if she was even born with the emotional tools most people develop to be able to handle stress. As she grew older, lacking imagination she turned rebellious, and added to her burdens an entire list of emotional and physical scars from her lifestyle. She was left with little to no self-esteem, and the immature attitudes that often accompany abuse, both from outside influence and self-imposed.
When Tina turned 18, she developed extremely severe epilepsy. I was called at school to be informed that my sister was in the hospital, and she had had some kind of seizure. It ended up being a Grand Mal, and the beginning of what would be a daily series of them until they could find medication that worked for her.
This was tragic, but most especially for one major reason: Tina had begun asserting her independence. She had her license. She had a job. She was planning on moving out. She had friends she was moving in with. She was becoming an adult.
And with one condition that came out of freaking nowhere, it was all taken away. She couldn't drive, because what if she had a seizure in the car. She couldn't work, because they had to call the ambulance every other day and it was an embarrassment. She couldn't move out, because now she had no money and no car. She was stuck. She was a little kid again. She was embarrassed.
The first time I saw my sister have a seizure, I cried like a little sissy-bitch. We were home alone in the very beginning days, and she just started shaking violently. I held her as best I could, and she threw up on both of us. She urinated. It lasted for, maybe, ninety seconds. I held her as she slowly "woke up," dazed and unable to talk. She didn't know where she was. She knew who I was. She didn't know what had happened. I told her she had vomited and urinated, so I was going to change her clothes. She nodded slightly.
And I cried while I changed her clothes.
It wasn't fair. It wasn't bloody fair. I was the youngest, I was smart, I was loved. I had every advantage Tina hadn't had. And here it was SHE that had developed epilepsy. Her, when it would have been so much more fair for me to have. She couldn't take it. She could barely handle soap operas, how was she going to handle something like this?
In those moments, I hated myself. I hated my advantages and everything that had ever been give to me. I hated that I wasn't Tina, and if I could have shoved a butcher knife into my gut to prevent her from having another seizure, I would have.
But she dealt with it. She made it through. Marriage, a child. Friends. She carved a life for herself, and she's as happy as she can be. She works hard and she's motivated. She's compassionate.
Between the two of us, as we grew up, things got better as they often do. Sometimes we go shopping and talk on the phone. She gave birth to my gorgeous nephew D'mitri, who is the love of my life, and for that I will be eternally grateful. She's also turned out somewhat cool, in her way, and she takes care of her immature husband and her kid. While I don't seek out her company, I respect her. And that's a whole heckuva lot more than I used to say.
She makes me feel like a coward. From her I take away both superiority and extreme inferiority. Her marks are on both sides of the pendulum.
We don't have lunch. But if we did, I'll bet I'd have to buy.
And Ty.
In Slash's Landmark Thread, I said that Ty is the voice in my head. I've tried to exorcise him many, many times. I don't WANT his standards floating around in my brains. I want my own. I think I've been moderately successful, and then something will pop up when I'll think (worriedly), "Oh, what would Slash think about this?"
Get out of my brain, you scaly bastard.
Slash taught me how to punch. "Keep your fist flat, and punch from your shoulder, like this." "Ow." "See? Hurts."
We made lego spaceships and tested their durability with the industrial-sized rubber bands we had in profusion from my sibling's paper route. He stole my LiteBrite, and I would slllooowwwwly open his door and crawl in using the bed for cover while he would yell, "GET OUT!!!" and throw stuff at me.
He called me "Larvae" as a pet name, and he bought me my first teddy bear for my parents' anniversary. When I got suspended in kindergarten for scrapping, he told me, "Good. The kid deserved it."
I get my massive insecurities about how I look from Ty. He had a certain ideal of a woman, I am the absolute, 180-degree opposite. Since I sought the approval of my brother on every conceivable level, I grew up believing I was ugly, because I wasn't what Ty thought was pretty.
Honestly, I have no clue if it was true. One day recently Slash said I have a "cute face" and I looked at him like he had just said, "Um, your arm's fallen off," and been right.
My mother one time apologized for giving me the genes that made up my physique. Probably due to my mother apologizing for how I looked combined with my take on Slash's opinion and I built this all as fact in my juvenile brain. I still to this day believe I'm ugly.
From Slash I take away self-confidence and the idea that no one will ever, ever beat me down. I take from him self-respect and ego. I take from him vanity and a love of sloth and irresponsibility. And I take from him love.
I have lunch with him all the time. His house, my house. Whatever. But considering that monkey-bumps are always forth-coming, it's I who always, always pays.
So here I am, 25 years old with a fantastic husband, two great cats, and conflicting value of self-worth. My religion means a lot to me, and I've gone through my share of analyzation and criticism. It's helped flesh out who I am, and when the pendulum sways too far to either side, it's the one anchor that helps me pull it back to the middle.
My husband is one of the greatest sources of boosting my self-worth that I could possibly imagine. He's wise and humble, and as Ty said one time, he loves me more than breath. I can't believe I lucked out. I have hope, because I want to for his sake. I want to believe I can become the modest, humble, wise, compassionate, confident, competent person he deserves.
If, at 25, I was the person I was going to be forever, I'd be severely shafted. But, while this post has no closure (despite it's overwhelmingly unnecessary length), I'm trying to convince myself that it ends with the excitement of possibilities. I'm a little bit of my entire family, and whatever role they've played I'm eternally thankful. If I become a great person, then it's because they were my launching pad.
At some point, the pendulum will stop swinging. That's probably called "death." But if it ever stops it's huge, arc-like movements, I want Hatrack to know that it's been a part of that, too. You've fleshed me out, you've given me more attention and praise than I could possible deserve. You're part of my family, and I'll take a little piece of you guys with me forever, too.
[ September 10, 2003, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Ralphie ]
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Glad to have you here. And on my AIM list.
...I wish I had something meaningful and profound to say, but landmark threads invariably leave me dumbfounded.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
Thank you Toni. That was worth the wait. You're beautiful!!! (And I'm not kidding!)
Posted by celia60 (Member # 2039) on :
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
celia - You should have posted, "tl;dr"
Man. Nobody feel obligated to read that. It's way too bloody long.
(But thanks to the people that did. )
Posted by solo (Member # 3148) on :
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
I've always found it amazing that siblings experience entirely different situations in the same family. Thank you for writing it, and cool that you waited this long to post a landmark. It's worth waiting for. Posted by Papa Moose (Member # 1992) on :
It was worth the length, Ralphie. Thank you for sharing it with us.
As is my nature, I was going to come up with some humorous response (I did consider "Mawwy me, Walphie"), but instead, I'll just thank you greatly for returning to the time-honored, excellent, and appropriate tradition of giving me credit for instituting the landmark thread concept. It had been a good long while since anyone else did.
I've probably spent as much time talking to you on-line or in person, as just about anyone else at Hatrack. You know I've got nothin' but love for ya, even if I won't marry you. This board specifically, and the world in general, are better because you're a part of them. Thank you for enriching our lives by sharing yours.
--Pop
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Great post. I enjoyed reading it.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
That was really sweet, Ralphie. It's nice to see some stories really do have happy endings.
ps What are monkey bumps?
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
So, you just had to copy Slashy, huh?
Okay, that was the snotty side of me. The pathetic side of me thinks that I am a cross between your mother and your sister.
The nice side of me thinks you are wicked cool and is glad you are at Hatrack. Happy 5,000th!
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I just realized that I do not have Ralphie on my IM and am currently kicking myself for it.
I will rectify said situation and give appropriate Ralphie lovin' on IM
AJ
Posted by Chade Fallstar (Member # 5581) on :
Happy Birthday! Or 5,000th post, whichever.
Nice to learn about you, now I guess I have no questions to ask.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Ralphie, that was fascinating. I've always liked you more that I've ever expressed here--believe it or not, I actually remember the first time you remarked that something I'd said made you laugh--and I loved having the opportunity to gain more insight into who you are. My only complaint was that it wasn't long enough. Seriously; you write well, and your story is fascinating. If it were twice as long, I still would have enjoyed reading every word.
Posted by Maccabeus (Member # 3051) on :
Dang it, Ralphie, you make me wanna do a landmark post and I'm never gonna get there....
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Ralphie, you are incredibly cool, incredibly beautiful (inside and out), and an incredibly engaging writer. Thanks for a great landmark post.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Wow.
Well worth the wait. Insightful and introspective. Thank you for letting us know you better.
Oh, and the next time you come down to L.A., we're going to lunch. I'll pay. Deal?
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
rivka, with all those free lunches she's getting, she should pay!
Posted by Vána (Member # 3262) on :
That was just lovely! Beautiful.
Thank you so much for writing it, and for letting us all see it.
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
You know, I was going to post a pic of myself as a tyke.
Thank you to everyone who took the time and trouble to read my Landmark Post.
Noemen - Wow. I had no clue. The feeling is, of course, mutual.
Kayla - Rivka can buy me lunch. Remember, with Slash I always, always pay. (And so what if I had to copy my big brother. It's the source of all of my arcane powers. )
Thanks again, guys.
Posted by Slash the Berzerker (Member # 556) on :
I never once said you were ugly. Not once!
Posted by Slash the Berzerker (Member # 556) on :
And!!!!!
I told you you were cute pretty much constantly until you became a teenager. After you became a teenager, telling you you were cute would have become creepy.
How can you blame your insecurity on me?
[ September 09, 2003, 12:32 PM: Message edited by: Slash the Berzerker ]
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
Just remember Ralphie, it's not the pendulum but the person swinging from it that is the life.
A life lived and experienced makes for a wonderful person, seems you've done quite, quite well on the journey so far. What lies ahead, no one knows, but you've already started finding the greatest reward: yourself.
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
Oh, and for those of you who are typo-retentive, I've already told Kayla that I like 'em.
They're earthy. Posted by T. Analog Kid (Member # 381) on :
Thanks, Toni. <hugs>
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
Hey, babe, trust me, even after editing it for spelling errors, there were still plenty left! I left in the ones that were intentionally misspelled. Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
I told you this via IM just now, but I don't feel like I have enough time right now to really respond properly to your landmark. But I'll do what I can with the time I have available.
It takes guts to open yourself, to be vulnerable, to show yourself to people. But we already knew you are gutsy. Honesty of that sort cannot help but be beautiful. But we already knew you are beautiful. The things you revealed to us in your post show strength. But we already knew you are strong.
But by giving us a look into your life we are given a chance to understand in some small way why you are as you are. Such an opportunity cannot help but enrich the lives of those who partake of it, so I thank you for giving such a gift.
Much of what you said is not new to me; we've had a lot of conversations. Still, it surprises me how much of myself I recognize in your tale. It's hard to see anyone else feel the way I did, the way I still do. Although I guess we all have our moments of self-doubt. But I don't feel that I need to offer you any pithy words of wisdom or advice; I know you're at least as wise or smart as I. Besides, you know you've got my ear whenever you need it.
Anyway, thanks.
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
Anytime you have one of these ridiculous self-worth issues come up, just remember one thing.
I'm carrying your baby!
Though many have propositioned me, I would only do this for you. Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hobbes Posted by Ophelia (Member # 653) on :
I love Ralphie. I really can't say anything else. I love Ralphie. Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hobbes Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Wait a minnit.... Ralphie's a woman!?!? O_o
Ok, just kidding. See, this is what I get for sleeping in. If I had woken up just an hour and a half earlier, I could have been the first to read this thread.
Ralphie, you've been an integral part of my Hatrack experience since the first time you told me that I should be all about the Ralphie Luvin'... I'm glad to get this chance to find out something about you besides that you have a hot husband.
I've said in many a thread that I don't know much about depression. So it shouldn't be a surprise that I didn't realize that Ralphie, the Queen of the 'Rack (pun intended) was depressive. It's almost enouch to make me depressed. Me! Just want you to know that I'm (we're) always here for you, even though you probably already knew that.
Thank you so much for the glimpse into your history and your mind. It's good to get to know you in three dimensions, and will be useful when we take over the world.
But seriously now, Thanks. (gets on AIM)
(((((((Ralphie))))))))
[ September 09, 2003, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: Ryuko ]
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hobbes Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
A sense of deja vu' pervades whenever I hear stories from your family, Toni. The relationship between you and your brother is very similar to the relationship I have with my own "little sister". Perhaps that is the dynamic of the three-child family.
You helped pull me out of a blue-funk last night, and I think my wife is more than a little relieved. (I've been a real b***h this week, and yeah, I said as much myself! It seems healthy occasionally.) Your comments are always entertaining, and I always look forward to your quick quips.
Thanks for just being. Makes reality a little lighter for us all.
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
Lots of things I want to say, Ralphie, but coming from me probably wouldn't fit. Instead, thanks for being who you are, a great person.
Posted by Nato (Member # 1448) on :
tl;dr - Tick, tock.
Hey, Ralphie. I was up in Portland a couple weekends ago and I was seriously thinking of looking you up and calling you, but then I went over to my room-mate-to-be's house in Clackamas instead.
You're cool. Much Ralphie luv here.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hobbes Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
So here we are. Not only is Ralphie beautiful (not fair), wittier than snot (see MST3K if you dare to disagree) and fun, but it appears she's also brilliant.
What can the rest of us ever aspire to but second-best?
Love ya sister!
Posted by Amka (Member # 690) on :
Ralphie,
What is to say that hasn't already been said? Except that since I'm not a regular on AIM, I don't have your AIM, so I am left out of the Instant Ralphie Luvin'.
It seems to me that your strength doesn't just lie in your guts, but in how you view the world to be ultimately positive.
Posted by jehovoid (Member # 2014) on :
And there was much rejoicing.
It didn't seem that long to me. You could write a book and I would read it.
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
I love you. I wish I could meet you some day in person. I hope I will.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
I can affirm that, unlike some other people in this thread whose names rhyme with "Tacks 'n Heavenly Jive," Ralphie is just as awesome in person. Maybe even moreso.
Posted by larisse (Member # 2221) on :
Ralphie,
That was a wonderful Landmark Post. (Yes, I read through it all. Not as difficult as you might think.) Thanks for sharing your life so far with us. You are a brave and witty person. I am glad to know you -- if only from a far.
Hahahaha... "ticky bishes". I am so gonna have to use that one in every day talk.
<== That doesn't mean we are engaged or anything... just being nice.
Posted by porcelain girl (Member # 1080) on :
ralphie, i have fallen in like with you ^_^
of course i already loved you. you expresss yourself very well and it is always a pleasure to read what you have written. i miss our long talks and i've really grown up over the course of our friendship. i really hope i can hang out with you again, that was perhaps one of the most fun weekends ever, and i miss you guys a lot. hopefully in the not too distant future i can be more active on hatrack, and maybe i can even get emstar to go with me up north.
Posted by ak (Member # 90) on :
Ralphie, you rock! That's all there is to say.
It's not even about how funny and sparkly you are all the time. It's not about how pretty you are. It's just you. You rock.
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
Stupid Ralphie. Stop being so complex and fabulous. Hottie McHottster. Stupid Beautiful Ralphie.
*whew*
Glad I got that out of my system.
*grin*
Ralphie, you know I am all about the Ralphie Luvin'. Please write more. I am interested in more please. Will wait. But not patiently.
*waiting*
*luvvin' ralphie*
Posted by Slash the Berzerker (Member # 556) on :
I want to know where the Slash luvin' is, for facing down the baseball bat wielding madman to save his sisters!
Posted by Erik Slaine (Member # 5583) on :
Slash, that was beautiful, man.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
You're right, Slash. Tell you what, if you ever come down to L.A., I'll take you out to lunch, too. 'k?
Posted by T. Analog Kid (Member # 381) on :
It's easy to stare down a frightened old man with a baseball bat when you're a six-foot lizard... no points awarded
(you *know* I don't mean that)
Posted by Slash the Berzerker (Member # 556) on :
Well, you're right, TAK. Since according to the GreenHill troll, I was the bully in that relationship.
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
Way to derail a Ralphie luvin' thread, Slashy. Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
He's such an attention-whore.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Thanks, Ralphie.
Posted by Slash the Berzerker (Member # 556) on :
*politely excuses himself*
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
Oh, please don't.
My post is nearly a tribute to him, anyway. Where do you think I learned my 1337 attention-whoring skilz?
Posted by StigLarson (Member # 5579) on :
Absolutely brilliant. Better than being slapped in the face with a wet fish.
Posted by NdRa (Member # 2295) on :
*Briefly back at hatrack to read this thread*
Ralphie, you are absolutely beautiful. I feel blessed to be able to call you my friend.
Posted by Miro (Member # 1178) on :
That wasn't too long, Ralphie. It was great. I love the way these landmark threads are snapshots of Hatracker lives.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
I love Ralphie and Slashy. Posted by Pat (Member # 879) on :
Tony -- that was a very thoughful, insightful post. Thanks for sharing.
But remember, I am the only one who has beat you down. Repeatedly.
Posted by Troubadour (Member # 83) on :
Just so you know, Toni, you're beloved all the way around the other side of the world. Posted by KEGE (Member # 424) on :
Ralphie, it was very interesting to read your post after reading Slash's story. It's a good story about real life and people struggling against whatever odds.
You were an adorable little girl! You and Slash both make me laugh - and that's something I don't do enough.
((ralphie and slash and tina))
Posted by Bob the Lawyer (Member # 3278) on :
Good to see you've got the forum fiddle tuned and ready to go, Ralphster.
And aside from that, I just want to say
(now aren't you glad that I didn't stay online and keep you from finishing this?)
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
Toni-
I don't know whether it's comforting or sad to realize that someone with as much confidence and talent as you have (and I'm not talkin' Cheetos sister ) has so much self-doubt.
You know how much I love you, so I won't embarrass myself.
Something to remember when you're looking in the mirror: Only part of who you are comes from genetics. Your mom had a really tough first 18 yrs or so of marriage. (I can't even imagine being cowed enough to stand by and let my son feel like he was being deserted.) And being a mom myself, I imagine her biggest concern was helping your dad and you kids to be "happy". She had alot of demands on her emotional and mental reserves.
Your life is very different. You chose to marry a man who already treats you like a treasure he'll forever cherish. You, just being you, makes him happy.
You also have reserves that your mom never had. Not only do you have Dan, but Ty, who I'm sure will continue to stand between you and any possible harm.
You are very pretty. But much more importantly, you are extremely attractive. You have truly beautiful eyes and the warmth in your smile is inescapable. Still doubt? Just look in Dan's eyes and you'll see the uneditted image. It's pretty awsome, no?
Lastly, I read a recent study that shows that regular monkey-bumps are the natural equivalent to prozac. So you should be good for the next 50 years or so.
((Toni))
Posted by Zotto! (Member # 4689) on :
*cheers post*
Wow. And wow.
Simply put: you've always been a huge part of the Hatrack Experience for me, Ralphie. We haven't interacted directly very much, but I've been a drooling fanboy of your posts ever since I came to Hatrack . You're up there on my "people to admire" list (along with Slashy, for that matter), and your kindness, level-headedness and freaking HILARIOUS sense of humor mean a great deal to this community, and me personally. Heck, I still remember the first time you responded to something I said! Awesome post. Awesome person.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
Man. I don't know what everyone in this thread's all weepy about. Personally, Toni's always gotten on my nerves.
(Let's just tell Ty I'm coming to see him in December, not you. What with that fragile ego of his.)
Posted by littlemissattitude (Member # 4514) on :
That was beautiful, Ralphie. Not too long; too short, rather. Your writing is so graceful.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
Okay, now that I've posted my darned 3000th post (I wasn't going to, Toni...you talked me into it), I can say that I'm so glad YOU posted YOUR thread. And I'm glad that my brother is nicer (to me) than yours (is to you). The worst mine does is subvert my children. I don't think I could take monkey bumps.
Thank you for sharing so much Ralphie Love in one big package. And congratulations on 5,000 almost entirely deeply meaningful posts. If we could all just be as cool as you. Posted by Chade Fallstar (Member # 5581) on :
landdmarks are fun, but not as fun as drinkin yourself to death
Posted by ginette (Member # 852) on :
He Ralphie, that was an awesome post.
I know we didn't make a good start, back when I was a newbie, and there have been times I really didn't understand the ferocity of some of your replies, but lately I have come to really appreciate your posts. And now that I have read your landmark post...I just love the person who wrote that!
Posted by tonguetied&twisted (Member # 5159) on :
Wow. Amazing post. (((((Toni)))))
Yup, I too remember the first time you responded to a post of mine - and it wasn't even anything important either, just the fact that it was you made it memorable.
::Raises glass:: To Toni, one of the most admired and loved jatraqueras. Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Ralphie! I'm so happy I attached the forbidden link to an email before it was banned. I'm always interested to hear what you have to say now. I'm not on AIM and I wonder how you people who are can stand the plodding pace of the forum. I relate to the depression issues. The last 7 months I feel like I've gone back to being 14 (I'm 33)
Finally, I think I missed the explanation of monkey bumps...
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
Toni, dollface, I started reading this yesterday and got called away for life-stuff and I kept thinking all night how much I wished i had finished it. So instead of getting up at 8 o'clock this morning to take a shower, i got up at 8 o'clock to read your post. I'm going to classes dirty for you, girl. That's how much I love you! (((Toni)))
How could you say that was too long? Mayhap I read too fast...but that seemed painfully short! Don't hesitate to add more if the mood strikes you. You *know* you have about 5000 people here who would want to read it.
Keep being you, girl. If i ever move to the West Coast I am totally visiting you, like, all the time. You can quote me on that.
<3<3<3 Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
Ralphie, you rock. You were the first Jatraquero to notice my existence - even claiming that I was funny! - which meant a lot to a fairly quiet n00b. Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
I want to thank everyone for their incredibly kind comments to me. I was going to make personal notes to everyone, and while you guys are more than deserving, the task was fairly daunting. So, I'll just say an in general thank you. I love all you guys.
I would like to make a special comment to the SoCal Hatrackers: Christine (LadyDove), Michael (Mooseman), Mike (saxon75), Sandy (NdRa), Rivka, Andre (foobonic) and all of their mates. You guys have been incredibly kind and hospitable everytime I've come down, and you hold a special place in my heart. I wish I lived down there.
No, scratch that. I wish you guys lived up here.
Kayla - Thanks for looking out for me on the typo thing. I ultimately did end up changing it.
ginette - You're right. We did get off to a very inauspcious start. But I want to thank you for your very nice comments in my Landmark Thread. I very much appreciate them.
To those 'rackers that read the post but did not make a post of their own for whatever reason (mostly due to not wanting to be part of the peanut gallery, I suspect) - If I didn't understand that, after the first sentence of my post, I would be a phenominal loser. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
To the Old Time Jatraqueros/as - You guys have consistently RAWKED my world for years now. I want you to know how much I've appreciated it. It's gotten me through times best left untalked about ( ), and I won't ever ever ever ever ever forget it. Well, I might forget it. But only if I lose my polaroids and tattooes.
To the n00bs - Thanks for spicing up the joint. New blood is way killer. I'm just kidding when I say things will go badly for you should you not be all about the Ralphie Luvin'. Hahahaha!
::glares and makes finger slicing motion over neck::
To everyone in-between: <3
Posted by Sal (Member # 3758) on :
Uh-oh, a Ralphie-Luvin thread! Now THAT leaves me no choice but to raise my lurky head and add my share.
Ralphie, I wanna say, ... Oh well, just take all the nicest things said in this thread and consider them said again! Posted by Ryan Hart (Member # 5513) on :
HOORAH for Ralphie...the first to try to help me instead of grind me into conservative dust.
HOORAH
HOORAH
HOORAH
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
I got Sal to come out of lurkdom!!!
Heya, Sal! I've missed you.
Why are you lurking, you big goober?
(Thanks, Ryan. )
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hobbes Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
quote:If it were twice as long, I still would have enjoyed reading every word.
Hear, hear!
You know I am one of your many legions of admirers. I would have posted sooner, if I had not been out of town until late last night. Now I feel like some pathetic movie star stalker, standing in the back of the room while you bask in everyone else's adulation.
I hope you know I'm telling the truth when I tell you I think the world of you. I love the all too rare times I get to chat with you on AIM, and I hope to meet you and yours some day. I only wish I knew you better. I'm on AIM all the time, but I never seem to know where the Ralphie-lovin' party's at.
I'm glad you decided to do a landmark post.
[ September 10, 2003, 07:07 PM: Message edited by: Icarus ]
Posted by Avadaru (Member # 3026) on :
Awesome post, Ralphie. Really. You rock.
Oh, btw, your ninjas still haven't gotten me. I'm on the lookout constantly, though. Posted by Jaiden (Member # 2099) on :
[ September 10, 2003, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: Jaiden ]
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
The ninjas, oh yes... We'll be ready for them...
(seductive smile)
Posted by monteverdi (Member # 2896) on :
Out here, in orbit about some Sun, or another, a wobble.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hobbes Posted by Wendybird (Member # 84) on :
Ralphie you are the coolest I loved getting to know you better. I look forward to your posts. They brighten my day!
Slash you are awesome too for sticking up for your sisters. Every sister needs a brother like you Posted by Rasputin (Member # 5409) on :
Great landmark, Ralphie. It's insightful the way you see the way all of your families influence, good and bad, helped make you into who you are.
Speaking of insightful, I was so relieved when you jumped into AIM chat with Boon and I a few mornings ago! While I would have muddled through as best I could, relationships are not my bag. I was struck with the way you penetrated to the core of Boon's problems and had concrete advice that I'm sure helped her. Not only are you funny, but you have a keen grasp of the human condition.
Now I know why Ralphie lovin' is a Hatrack tradition.
Also, sorry I was joking about speech impediments. Good thing you cured yours. :eviw waugh: Morbo Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
All this, and she's kind, generous, and brilliant too!
Thanks again, for sharing.
Love you bunches, girl!
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
Hobbes - Sheesh, kid. You're going to make me all twitterpatted. Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
Ugh. Just what this world needs--another nauseating bout of Ty-worship. Has all my hard work has been in vain?
I’m not saying it wasn’t a great post, Tone; it was. (Especially the bit about the personality test. That was frigging hilarious.) I just think you might be due for another month or so of reprogramming.
Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
I always count on Katie to be predictable.
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
Did Ty tell you to say that?
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
Ralphie:
When the revolution comes, I'll make sure you get to distribute all the designer shoes (meaning you can keep as many as you want for yourself).
Note: I do think KarlEd probably deserves at least one pair of heels.
Posted by Godric (Member # 4587) on :
As promised, some extra special Ralphie Love!
And, I brought some friends!
Post on, Ralphie!
Posted by Slash the Berzerker (Member # 556) on :
Katie is only jealous. Based on my observations, someone actually GOT to her with the baseball bat.
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
Jealous? Maybe. A bit.
But I assure you that any personal feeling of resentment I may have are completely overshadowed by my entirely selfless desire to liberate Toni from your evil influence.
Posted by Deirdre (Member # 4200) on :
Now look what you've done. You made me go and kill Ralphie's lovely thread. Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Ralphie, your beautiful writing puts me to shame. I wish I could express the deepest quandries of my soul as eloquently as you do. I wish you lived near me. You are an amazing woman, and I feel honored to be a little part of your life.
The pendulum does swing mightily for me today. It's September 11th, my birthday and also a depressing reminder of mortality and the lengths some people will go in order to make a point.
You, Ralphie, push me toward equilibrium. Thank you for modeling authenticity and living life close to the marrow. In these ways, I want to emulate you.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hobbes Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
Oh, sheesh Hobbes.
Posted by Hobbes (Member # 433) on :
Hobbes Posted by Willy Shmily Tiger (Member # 5647) on :
Hobbes Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Everyone's making out! This must be a Ralphie landmark...
Posted by Chade Fallstar (Member # 5581) on :
I want in on some action.
But I studiously avoid the use of smileys, so I guess I won't be getting any today.
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
(gives Chade a demure kiss on the cheek)
Edit: I hope you'll accept it from a non-Johnny Cash lover such as me...
[ September 12, 2003, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: Ryuko ]
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
Ralphie, I believe you may break the record on the number of responses to a landmark thread.
That was a wonderful story, wonderfully told.
I have enjoyed chatting with you on AIM since the beginning of our relationship, and hope to continue. Our conversations always make me happy.
quote:While Slash may believe he is the bastard my father is, I fear my future is the sparkless woman my mother has become. She was a better person than I am NOW. I'm terrified that the future bodes badly.
Your mother's life does not have to become a self-fulfilling prophecy for your life. You have so many positives, talents, and people who love you. We all (at least, most of us ) have insecurities and dark moments, but they don't have to control your life. You can make your life different from your mom's - it appears that you have already started and that can continue.
((((Ralphie)))
**Ela**
Posted by Willy Shmily Tiger (Member # 5647) on :
Hobbes Posted by Ralphie (Member # 1565) on :
To those who wrote nice things after my general "thank you," I'm reading every one, and appreciating them all as coming from unique and wonderful people. Thank you. I love you guys.
Let's pick out curtain patterns together.
Posted by Willy Shmily Tiger (Member # 5647) on :
Hobbes Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Ralphie, so long as you never kiss me again.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
It's ok, Ralphie, you can kiss me.
**Ela**
Posted by Lautsprecher für die Toten (Member # 5653) on :
Hobbes wasted his 4000 th post on a smooch ...well tigers do love smooches...and their bellies rubbed...I suppose that works as a
Saving my 4000 post for something special Kind of thing Unless I'm completelty wrong...I shouldn'thave done so many drugs when I was a teen...everyday I feel it catching up with me.
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):![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Awesome post. Awesome person. ![[Taunt]](graemlins/taunt.gif)
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I'm on AIM all the time, but I never seem to know where the Ralphie-lovin' party's at. ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
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